Thursday, October 4, 2012
WHEN PUSH COMES TO PULL by Joseph Conklin
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I want to open my own rickshaw business in India. I noticed that everyone there pulls their rickshaws and I want to step outside the box… be different than all the rest. Do you think pushing them would make me a good buck or would I make more money selling ice to Eskimos?
Dear Stupid Ass Questioner,
First off you’re ridiculous. You don’t have a snowballs chance in Hell of making a single dime selling ice to Eskimos. They live where ice grows. Terrible idea.
Which leads me directly into your Rickshaw scheme. I mean, I applaud you on going for the ironic novelty of an American immigrant driving a taxi in India (it’d be even better if you gave up a doctorate to do it), but I find flaw in your plan to push instead of pull. You see, you’ll just be fulfilling a worldwide stereotype of wealthy out of touch with reality American’s approach to other countries by always seeking to Push them around rather than tow them along behind us. If you go to India and start pushing people around they’re gonna protest peacefully and stop eating. While this may make pushing them around easier, it’s going to make your hipster friends back in America get upset and protest you online for your business practices for at least a week which is long enough to cause your wealthy parents to get embarrassed at their last name trending as a hashtag, pull your funds and you’ll find yourself pulling your own weight in your Rickshaw business, which isn’t really the kind of thing you’re seeking out of a job and you know it.
Go back inside the box where it’s safely funded and leave the hard work to the professionals.
Your Friend and Mine,