Wednesday, April 25, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: When I hold my baby she drools all over my clothes and sometimes she’ll throw up without warning. I’m really getting tired of washing my clothes and I don’t find bibs sufficient. Would putting a bag over her head when I hold her work or would it be safer for me to cut a hole in a garbage bag and wear it as a makeshift poncho?

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Dear Parent of a Drooler,
I don’t suggest putting anything over your baby’s head because she can suffocate and that would be horrible. It’s obvious that what you have here is an extremely selfish baby that has no regard for you or your clothing. If her throwing up on you and her constant drooling is getting out of hand and you find yourself getting more and more frustrated just pack up her stuff and drop her off at a local church or firehouse until she’s old enough to stop being so selfish. By law if you feel like you’ve had it and you may harm your child (or put a bag over their head) you are allowed to drop them off at a church or firehouse with no questions asked. It’s a parenting tool that most parents never know about or utilize. Only good can come out of it. You’ll be able to clear your head and she’ll learn all about God or how to put out a five alarm fire. It’s a win-win situation. If you don’t feel comfortable with that, there’s always adoption.

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