Tuesday, April 24, 2012

INDENTURED by Jen Remauro

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: The other day at the gym my teeth accidentally flew outta my mouth while I was bench pressing a buncha weights. They landed at this young chick’s feet. She looks down and says, “Are THOSE yours”? I lied and said no. Dentures are expensive so do you think I could find new ones at the Salvation Army or should I steal my grandfather’s? He always gets compliments on his smile.

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Dear Toothless in Seattle,
Wait a second! Your grandfather is still alive and you’re wearing dentures already? How old are you? Does bad dental hygiene run in your family? Why do you have fake teeth?! Did you eat a lot of candy as a kid? Did you drink a lot of soda? Were you born without enamel on your teeth? This is too weird. I have so many questions to ask. Let’s do lunch and discuss your teeth problems. Oh wait, you can’t eat, you lost your teeth. Have you checked Ebay? I once bought a prosthetic leg on there so that I could draw a tattoo on it to see how it would look before having it permanently inked on my skin. I beat out an amputee for that leg. You should check it out and see what you can find.

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