TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF COFFEE GROUNDS by Tina Marie

TINA MARIE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I had some chocolate the other day and it upset my stomach. I think it might be the sugar. Instead of eating chocolate would it be better if I started eating cocoa powder instead? It's kind of bitter and dry but maybe I would get used to it... like the black coffee grounds I eat.

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Tina Marie: Do you eat any other ground up herbs? Just wondering! It might be a better idea to avoid any caffeine at this point in your life. It seems that you are so desperate for it that you will take it in any form, powder, IV, or needle. It’s not worth losing your common sense over it! Common sense would tell most people to NOT eat any form of food that will upset their stomachs. But I’m gathering that you lack that skill set. Have you ever had cocoa powder before? It tastes like last night regrets and a walk of shame home. It’s nasty, and you regret it the moment you taste it. I would stick to foods that don’t upset your stomach unless you like sleeping next to the toilet. Which I think you have ample experience in, am I right? 

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THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER by Tina Marie

TINA MARIE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why am I so beautiful? I've googled it, gone to Wikipedia. I've even almost asked Jeeves. I don't really trust him so I won't ask him again. Do you trust Jeeves? Like what would he know anyway. Isn't he just a butler?

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Tina Marie: Great Question. It could be because of genetics, and by that I mean a genetic disorder where you perceive yourself so beautiful and others disagree. I actually DID ask Jeeves because he is absolutely trustworthy just like any other man. He said you are so beautiful because you are so vain and you think this website is about you, don’t you? As for his butler services, I asked him about that as well and he said, “You are so beautiful” so I pretty much think he just says that to all the desperate ladies looking for attention online. Sign off, and Go for a walk in the park and ogle at your reflection in the lake.

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ADDICTED by Tina Marie

TINA MARIE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I played scrabble so much… I think I'm addicted. Is there a Betty Ford clinic for words with friends? Didn’t Alec Baldwin attend such a place? Can I go where he did?  Is he still there?

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Tina Marie: As a normal person who doesn’t know what the daily life of Alec Baldwin is like, because I don’t live on TMZ.com... not this week anyhow. I feel that Alec isn’t really concerned for your addictions so why should you care if he is still there. Unless this is a rouse to stalk him, which in that case, he’d probably like it. Take pictures and sell them to TMZ, tell them I sent you so I can get a 20% referral commission.

The only time games should be played in life is, if you can bet on them. Now if you really wanted to outsmart Alec Baldwin then start an underground betting ring for scrabble games. 

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I WORK LIKE A DOG by Tina Marie

TINA MARIE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband is constantly telling me that he works like a dog. He acts as if I should bow down to him or something. The last I checked all my dog ever does is sleep eat and lick himself. Should I start putting his food on the floor next to the dog’s dish and let him out to relieve him self from now on?

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Tina Marie: Sure, Why not! If he wants to compare himself to a dog, let him enjoy the comforts of being a dog. Put him in the Dog House.

Most men eventually end up in the Dog House, so why not just book him a room there until he realizes that he isn’t the only one in the relationship. I think the rates are fairly cheap and they don’t leave a mint on the pillow. If your husband thinks he’s works like a dog, then let him. You pretty much summed it up with “all my dog ever does is sleep, eat, and lick himself”, a fantasy most men have about their own lives. So if he wants to be a dog, let him. Put his clothes outside, serve his meals in two bowls, and remind him that dogs can’t have sex with their wives or drink beer. One of those two should motivate him to act like a man and quit his bitchin’. Now, get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!

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PIZZA, THE FOOD OF GODS by Tina Marie

TINA MARIE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: When dining on pizza , (my favorite), with family or friends, will they consider me a bigger pig if I take the last piece or let someone else have it and eat the empty box?

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Tina Marie: I guess it all depends on how much you weigh since we all know skinny people can’t be gluttonous. Personally, I never go for the last slice of anything. There is this old joke going around whomever takes the last piece is the old maid. I assume you are a woman since a man would just take the slice, chug a beer, and fart. As a woman, I feel it is my duty to warn you against taking the last slice for two reasons, pizza is a delicious treat that has way too many carbs and your lack of muffin top will thank you later. 

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PREPARATION H ell by Julie Kitayama

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard that Preparation H reduces swelling under my eyes. They say to apply some at bedtime. If I do this, will it work, or am I opening myself up for a position under the a-hole sign at work?

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JULIE: The active ingredient in Preparation H is phenylephrine HCL which reduces blood and fluid buildup.  So it will reduce puffiness under the eyes if the puffiness is related to fluid build up.  If you have fat bags under your eyes, you are out of luck.  

The only use of Prep-H that would give you a bad rap at work is when you use it to better define your abs.  It’s a long time trick of the bodybuilders and super models, the only people paid solely for their looks other than side show carnival folk.  Hmmm there might be something to that.

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DOG DAYS by Julie Kitayama

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Err… I know this could be a bit hard for those who cant count to 100...but If a human year is seven to a dog, how many years is a human to God's year if he can grow a tree in one day?

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JULIE: That is a good and tricky question especially since some cultures worship dogs including the Kalangas, Harranians and the Nosarii.  So that begs the question what is a day to a dog? It’s 3.42857143 hours.   

So how many human years are in God’s year?  None.  God is beyond days, years, month and seconds.  God is the keeper of time.  He hoards it in a bucket and distributes as he sees fit.   Ever have one of those days that’s gone faster than butterscotch candy in an old folks home? Or one of those days that seems to last forever like a bad Tom Cruise movie?  That’s god messing with you.  

So don’t waste the dog days of summer trying to figure it out.  Time flies, seize the day and go with god.

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