Ask a stupid ass question, get a stupid ass answer. What is Stupid Ass Questions? We are a twisted Dear Abby.
If you are stupid enough to ask a question,then we’re stupid enough to give an answer. Stupid Ass Questions is not intended to replace good advice. Wait, yes it is.
Dear Stupid Ass Question: Why does Walmart have like 20 checkouts but only 2 lanes that are open? Isn't this false advertisement? Doesn't it give the shopper a false sense of get out fast security? Should I call my congressman and report them?
BARB: Yes, by all means call your congressman and bitch a blue streak. Your guy in D.C. told me just yesterday that he doesn’t chew the fat enough with scintillating constituents like you. BTW, if he sounds like he’s distracted while you’re bending his ear, he’s probably just multitasking – you know - taking screenshots of his itsy bitsy teenie weenie private parts so he can sext them to horny Cub Scouts and slutty interns on his Twitter list.
BTW NEWS FLASH: WalMart is not exactly known as the Nascar of tacky discount stores. You want customer service? Try Saks Fifth Avenue.
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Recently while on Facebook a "friend" said to me, "Next time I go to the lake I'll take you". It's been a month now and he hasn't called. Should I just show up at his house with my family? Do you think I should bring food or will he have everything prepared? And does it matter that I really don’t know him?
BARB: Sure, honey. Knock yourself out all day in the hot kitchen. Spare no expense. I would also invite ALL your FB friends and their families, too. While you’re at it, add your other social network pals to the guest list. The more the merrier!
BTW, “he” isn’t your friend. He doesn’t have a cool house on the lake. He probably isn’t even a “he.” Geez, it used to be that only clinically lonely kids and certified psychotics had imaginary friends. Now every sad goofball on Facebook has a bevy of BFFs. “Harvey” ring a bell?
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My best friend let me use her car. Well, after being out at my local bar I accidentally hit a phone pole. She would be so mad if she knew I went out that night and got drunk without her. Would it be ok if I ditched it somewhere and said it was stolen?
BARB: Great question. Ditch the crappy car in your local junkyard, then dump your dopey friend. She says you can’t drink and drive without her? Who does she think she is - Lindsay Lo? Sounds way too clingy! You may be cultivating a stalker in that sicko relationship. BTW, aren’t you thrilled you’re not a celebrity and didn’t get your very stupid ass arrested and your skeezy mug shot splashed all over TMZ for the entire world to enjoy? Friends don’t let friends be stupid asses – unless, of course, they are, too.
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I entered an art show last night and they haven’t called me yet to tell me if I made it in or not. Should I sit on their doorstep and say I’m here to find out if I made it? Or should I break in the museum and sit there till they open up and give me an answer? Would a bag of chips ahoy help them decide? Or is it better to do homemade? I could get my neighbor to make them. She’s fat so she must know how to bake goodies. I really don’t want to spend too much time on this so would a bag of doggie treats work just as well? I saw that Milk Bone is on sale right now so I could put together a big platter. The museum curator is an old lady and probably eats cat food so she won’t know the difference. Do you think I made it?
DAN:Most of the famous artists I've known used food to get into their first art show. Picasso used French tarragon chicken, while De Kooning offered cheese-stuffed manicotti. Jackson Pollock just got drunk and threatened to beat the crap out of the gallery owner with a turkey leg.
Then there was Andy Warhol, who said to me my first day at The Factory, "Help! I've been shot!" My first day happened to be the day Valerie Solanas dropped by so Andy could "say hello to her little friend" (sorry, I'm not good with accents). When she opened fire, I courageously bolted into action by racing across the room and wrestling the window open, then dashing down the fire escape into the relative safety of the bustling New York City crowd. I found out later Andy was rushed to the hospital where doctors attempted an emergency hair transplant, but it didn't take, leaving him with a disfigured coiffure. My point being, I bet Warhol used food, too, probably soup. If I had to guess, I'd say Progresso.
You seem like a person in a hurry to launch an art career, a person who wants to get stuff done no matter how ill-informed and useless your methods are. Let me recommend a book I've found helpful in my own life: Common Sense, Patience, and Other Rare Qualities by Barney Ouchmoody. This precious jewel has provided me with pertinent wisdom during my impatient, dumb times. Unfortunately, the author won't be offering any more advice because this book was published posthumously after he died in an automobile accident attempting to pass a slow driver around a blind curve.
Stop worrying about whether or not you’re in the art show. You should be working on your backup plan, such as procuring a booth at a flea market. May I suggest Flea Market Montgomery, a first-class business establishment where I sell my popular edible glues behind the building out of the back of my van next to the dumpster.
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’ve begun drinking more water at my doctor’s suggestion. Problem is that it makes me have to visit the bathroom MUCH more than I care to. I’m elderly so sometimes I almost don’t make it. Adult diapers are far too costly for my budget. Should I buy some ShamWows and sit on them?
DAN: Just like my regular doctor, yours sounds like a quack. My doctor’s known as a quack because he only accepts payment in ducks. He is very affordable. My annual physical (including prostate exam and scrotum adjustment) only costs me three ducks. My doctor is kind and caring, too. Not only does he feed the ducks during my examination, he lets them watch.
He inspired me to dream of becoming a country doctor myself, but only if the country were Third World and did not check medical training credentials.
I think you got your duck’s worth when your doctor suggested you drink more water, even if you have to pay extra for the bottled variety. I’ve read that bottled water is not any better than the water you find in your toilet, and may even have a comparable taste. Before testing this out, however, make sure you flush.
Regarding your “leaky” situation, I have a product that will plug your holes. While marketed as an edible glue, I discovered the concoction works just as effectively as a natural body dam (one of the recurring side effects). Just squeeze a tube in whatever water you’re drinking, be it bottled or bowl, and forget about urinating for a few weeks. Eventually, the “plugs” work themselves free with little pain, similar to passing kidney stones.
Be careful with the ShamWows! Sitting on them too long will lead to extreme dehydration, causing you to develop a look and texture of beef jerky.
Dear Stupid Ass Question: I was asked recently to do temporary work. When I inquired as to what they would be paying they looked at me like I just fell off a turnip truck and said you start Monday. What’s a turnip truck?
DAN: One thing you must remember about jobs: though some jobs may not pay in folding money, all jobs pay in experience. Today, I still use the experience I gained from my days as a grout taster (mainly, don’t taste everything you’re asked to).
You didn’t mention what kind of work you will be performing, but if you’re being hired to fall off a turnip truck, you may have “fallen” into the perfect career. I mean, you could be hired to fall off of worse things, like a huge ball of used dental floss or a pile of dead penguins.
Turnip trucks are modern day mechanical wonders:
Rumor has it that the first turnip truck was reverse engineered from alien technology at Area 51.
Not only have I driven a precision built turnip truck, I lived in one for several years after my common law wife kicked me out of the townhouse when her cat died from eating a batch of my homemade edible glue I left on the vanity in the guest bathroom.
Good luck! Maybe the temporary position will become permanent.
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Dan, I recently lost a friend over a joke I told about them at one of my recent stand up comedy routines. I don't get it. Should I have maybe left their name out of the joke?
Size DOES matter so click picture to enlarge
DAN: If a “friend” gets upset just because of your incredibly insensitive joke, they were not a friend to begin with. You need only be concerned with one thing: did the joke get a laugh? If so, keep it in the routine. If not, get rid of it like it got rid of that fake friend of yours. Either way, that joke’s serving a purpose.
One lesson I’ve learned in life is that people are fickle. I’m estranged from many friends, family members, patients, and pets because I’ve posted stories using details from their personal lives on my blog. Apparently, these thin-skinned technophobes don’t understand how blogs work, how blogs need entertaining, salacious gossip to increase Internet traffic and “buzz” in order to get a book deal.
I do know what it’s like not to be forgiven because of a joke, though. I once recounted an especially graphic rendition of “The Aristocrats” joke in front of a captive audience and was immediately asked to leave the room. And to this day, I have not been asked back to teach another Sunday school class.
