Monday, January 6, 2014

PUPPY LOVE by Kevin Bartini

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin, I have a puppy that requires exercise once a day but I am lazy as crap and don’t want to take him.  Do you think if I tied him to my son’s remote controlled dirt bike that it would do the job for me, OR do I strap him to my sons skateboard and just give it a push into the driveway?

Size DOES matter so click picture to enlarge

Kevin: Dear Father of the Year,  A new puppy while a wonderful addition to any family can produce unintended inconveniences.  You are right a puppy does need exercise and that does conflict with your plan to be lazy.  I feel for you really I do.  First I want to say that taping your puppy to a skateboard is a non starter.  The puppy will get no exercise being taped to a skateboard.  He would just stay there as the board wheels around.  Also taping the puppy to a skateboard would require effort on your part.  I don’t have to tell you how much effort it takes to pull tape from a roll while taking tape off of a furry puppy is infinitely more difficult.

You may think that that leaves only one option, to tie the puppy to your son’s remote controlled dirt bike.  You would be wrong.  Puppies don’t have the motor skills to keep a dirt bike balanced nor does he possess the opposable thumbs required to use a remote control.  But all is not lost.   There is one more option that I think you are overlooking… your son.  I am not a dad but I am lazy.  I have often fantasized about having a son of my own.  I don’t want a son to carry on my name and my DNA.  I don’t want a son so I have someone to throw the ball around with.  I don’t want a son so I don’t have to die alone.

I want a son because I am lazy and I need my very own helper monkey.  I want a son so I have someone to get me a beer when I need one.   I want a son who can walk to the tv and change the channel when I can’t reach beneath the couch cushions for the remote.  You being a lazy person must have figured out that having a son is like having an unpaid manservant.  If I had a son I wouldn’t even have to wipe my own ass anymore.  So make the boy take the dog out for a walk each day.  It will give the puppy exercise and it will give your son a companion when he walks to the mailbox to pick up your welfare check or heads down to the corner to buy your smokes and lottery tickets.
Keep living the good life.
Your friend,
Kevin Bartini

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