Thursday, January 9, 2014

SLEEP EATING by Kevin Bartini

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin,
I am hungry and tired.  Is it possible to eat and sleep at the same time.  

Size DOES matter so click picture to enl

KEVIN: Dear Tired and Hungry,  Is it possible to eat and sleep at the same time?  What a silly question.  Of course it is possible to eat and sleep at the same time.  There are people who do nothing but eat and sleep every day.  Those people live their lives in comas or Rural Mississippi.
Eating and sleeping are an amazing combination.  They go together like binging and purging or drinking and driving.  Both are great on their own but when you learn how to put them together they are life changing.
Learning how to sleep and eat at the same time is a tricky but rewarding habit.  Step one is to learn from the masters.  Val Kilmer writes a great blog on the subject, lots of good insights there.  And when it comes to doing nothing but eating and sleeping I am guessing that is all that Jessica Simpson is up to these days so maybe follow her on Twitter.  
Please do me a favor and DO NOT TAKE AMBIEN.  This is cheating.  When it comes to eating and sleeping Ambien is a performance-enhancing drug.   This takes all of the sport out of it and as a nocturnal nourishment purist I cannot be more against it.  
Do it the natural way.  Start with soft foods served using a funnel system.  You need a way to feed the food into your mouth unconsciously.  My preferred method is to put melted ice cream in an iv bag and then tape the iv tube to the side of my mouth.
Now you don’t want to choke so you have to train your throat to work for you and not against you.  Like any guy in musical theater can tell you the trick is to relax your throat and control your gag reflex.  
Once you have mastered the IV of ice cream you can move on to more solid foods.  But this possesses a problem.  Training your hand to feed food into your mouth is very complex and takes a long time.  What I recommend is to sleep on a pillow of food.  Something like a roasted turkey that is soft enough to comfortably support your head but is also something that you can mindlessly gorge on.
You are embarking on a rewarding life long love affair with food and sleep.   Enjoy the process and please keep us all posted on your progress and subsequent weight gain.
I’ll meet you at the buffet in your dreams,

Kevin Bartini

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