Tuesday, January 7, 2014


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin, If it is true that we are here to help others, then what are other people here for?

Size DOES matter so click picture to enlarge

Dear Modern Day Philosopher,  First off before I answer your question I have two of my own.  How high were you when you thought of this question?  And can you hook me up with the number to your dealer?

I am seriously impressed.  For someone to come up with such a deep question has to have taken something that not only opened the doors of perception in his mind but actually blew the doors right off of their hinges.  

I thought that the best way to answer your question was to get as high as you.  As they say great minds think alike.  So I did nine bong rips but even after that I still didn’t feel like I had caught up to you yet.  So then I started huffing random things around the house.  Spray paint, whipped cream, I even stuck my nose into a white box of Chinese leftovers that had been in the back of my refrigerator for the last six months and took a deep breath.  Next came the pills.  I don’t have a lot of prescription strength medicine in the house since I don’t have insurance.  But I took a handful of Flintstones Chewables , and then a months worth of birth control pills as a chaser.

And still after all of that I didn’t feel like I was as yet as high as you and thus could not be in the headspace to properly answer your question.  So I went to the gym.  I thought that when you are on a mix of pills, pot and inhalants yet you have still not reached the elevated mental state that killed River Phoenix the next logical step was to achieve a runners high.  So on to the treadmill.   I went running, stumbling at first but eventually sprinting.  I awaited that fabled runners high.  I started sweating and eventually vomiting up half the town of Bedrock.  

It was at that moment that my runners high kicked in and put me over the edge.  Euphoria!  Oh how it must feel to be you, Modern Day Philosopher!   I had reached that point where I could see the world clearly.  I could smell emotions and I could hear light.  I was in the exact right place mentally, physically and spiritually.   I was at last one with the universe and finally ready to answer your question!

But then I looked up from the treadmill and saw that an episode of The Simpsons was starting on the flat screen in front of me.  It was a classic, the one where Bart tries to jump Springfield Gorge with his skateboard.   I had no choice but to stay on the treadmill for another thirty minutes and by the time the episode ended I had forgotten your question.

So now it is the next morning I have a splitting headache and I my legs are in a competition to see who can cramp up in a more horrific manner.  So far the edge goes to my left leg who waited until I was in the bathroom to have some sort of seize up.  I dropped immediately to one knee as if I had stepped onto a land mine and got pee on the wall.

So to answer your question…  Other people are here to help you in return.  That is life.  The give and take the ebb and flow the ying and the yang.  You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.  That is what it is all about.  For example I am here to help answer your question and in doing so there will be many people that help me.  People like the maid who will come in and clean the pee off of my wall.  Or the technician at Planned Parenthood who will help me out next month now that I have taken all of my wife’s birth control pills.  

Thanks again for your great question.  Say now to drugs.
Kevin Bartini

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