Friday, January 10, 2014


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin, If the Best things in life are free then why do I get charged at the Liquor Store.  

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KEVIN: Dear Boozer on a Budget,
The best things in life are indeed free and that includes alcohol.  There are plenty of ways to get free alcohol but the people at People Liquor don’t want you to know about.  
As any one of Alec Baldwin’s brothers can tell you, you can be flat broke and still get drunk if you know where to go.   
Try brewing your own.  If they can make alcohol in prison then you can make it at home.  To make alcohol all you need is sugar, yeast and liquid.  These are things that you can easily get for free at any restaurant.   What three things does every restaurant give you for free and in unlimited supply?  Sugar packets, ice water and dinner rolls.  
Just sit down at a table and when the waitress takes your order say that you need a few minutes to look over the menu but she can bring your dinner rolls right away.   While she is bringing your rolls and filling your water glass head off to the restroom.  Did you know that every restaurant has free plastic bags in the bathroom?  They do they keep them in the trashcan.
Dump out the trash onto the floor and take the plastic bag.  Then go back to your table and put the dinner rolls and the water into the bag then tear open the sugar packets pour them into the bag give it a good shake and run out of the restaurant with the bag over your shoulder.  Be sure to yell “suckers’ at the staff as you leave.
The yeast from the rolls will eat the sugar in and fart alcohol into the water.  Give this process a few days and before you know it you will have a good buzz on free of charge all compliments of the good people at Roy Rogers.
If you need some free booze but you don’t feel like waiting for the fermentation process then I suggest looking at the local newspaper.  Skip to the obituary section and look for the nearest Irish funeral.  
Irish funerals are always going to be filled with free booze and it is really easy to fit in at an Irish Funeral.  Just remember these three phrases and you’ll be considered family.
“Seamus was a lousy dad but boy was he good at hitting his wife.”
“It is wonderful to see that all seventeen of Mary’s children could be here for her funeral.”
“Screw the queen!”
As for the liquor stores, they are selling alcohol which is wrong.  But there are ways to get free alcohol from liquor stores as well.  It is pretty simple really.  Just go to the liquor store on a Friday evening and wait to be approached by a teenager.  The teenager will actually give you money to go inside and buy him a bottle of booze.  Step one is to take the teenagers money into the store and pick out a bottle.  Step two is to call the cops and tell them that there is a kid outside the store asking adults to buy him alcohol.  Step three is to pay for the booze with the kid’s money and then walk out of the store while the kid is busy with the cop.
And just like that you have gotten free booze, the liquor store got paid and the teenager learned a valuable lesson about trusting people.  
Kevin Bartini

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