Friday, May 10, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions,  My lips get very dry so I use lots of chapstick. It’s getting costly so do you think it's ok to rub butter and bacon grease all over my lips? I notice it gives them a nice shine and it's a lot cheaper, plus it tastes good. Problem is I keep licking it off all day and applying more. AND  not only do people look at me strange when I take a stick of butter out of my purse and start slathering it all over my mouth but, dogs follow me everywhere. Is there a better way?

Size DOES matter so click picture to enlarge

MARV: The use of butter and pork products as moisturizers isn't exactly my strong suit, so I'm passing this stupid ass question over to my good Amish buddy Billy Joe Jedidiah Jacob! Take it away brotha!

BJJJ: Wull, I recon thems stuff you's usin is of high qualerty ors ya wouldn't be able to talk out that there question-- but I's gots a better idear fer applercation! Mix da butter and da bacern grease tagedder in a kettle and takes it over to the ice house. When it turns gelatinous, stuff it down insides yer used up Chapstick (tm) cannisters and reuse them! This way people won't stares at you weird like they stares at ma Amish clan when we pile in da van and heads ta Walmart (tm). Specially when da horse gets tired a pullin and we all gots ta get out and push. Pushin a van to Walmart is a pain in the ass seeing as we's in our Sunday best. Not like we're goin to the doller store!

As ta da issues with them critters-- we use skunk scent over the butter and bacern grease to ward em off. Seems ta do da trick reeeeeal nice like! In facts, we's Amish men uses it for other wardin off applercations too-- like when the lady folk start whining about their day--

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