Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just watched the movie “Dumbo” for the first time and learned a very "valuable" lesson. I learned that if you package it right you can sell ANYTHING to ANYONE. So I was wondering... do you think I could bottle up a room freshener and call it Money in a Bottle? With all this Law of attraction stuff I thought I could make a killing. I mean look at Dumbo. He thought holding a feather could make him fly. But he couldn't really fly. Could he?
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LUCY: Dear Dumb(o) Ass , OK, first of all, I really hope you have kids, otherwise you shouldn’t be watching Dumbo. People might get the wrong idea. Or they might get the right idea, which is much, MUCH worse. In order for me to answer your question, I will need to know more about your product. Would it actually smell like money? I ask because money smells like an ass wiped with a piece of cardboard that Charlie Sheen snorted lines off of in his grandmother’s attic, and people don’t want to spray that crap in their houses. The law of attraction does not apply here, unless you’re trying to attract other people who also enjoy that scent. If that’s your intent, then may the force be with you. Does the nozzle actually shoot out money like a Silly String situation? If so, it seems that you might be defeating the purpose of selling a product to make money, no? I’m just sayin’ maybe you didn’t think this one through all the way. Feathers don’t make elephants fly, and the smell of money is horrendous. Bottle up some MILF and then we’ll talk.
