CASPER, THE NOT SO FRIENDLY GHOST by Joanne Filan

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a neighbor that I find very annoying. I figure that Halloween is the perfect time to get back at him for all the annoying things he does. Should I dress up as Casper the Ghost and when he opens the door just punch him in the face and steal the bowl of candy? Everyone knows Casper was always getting in trouble.

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JOANNE:

Dear Casper, Well you're certainly on the right track. But perhaps you should step it up a notch. Try ringing his doorbell and when he answers, punch him in the face with a knife instead. Then lay your Casper costume over his dead body and the cops will just figure Casper was "getting into trouble" again as you said. Or they may just blame it on "those meddling kids" from Scooby Doo. Either way you're in the clear to enjoy your bowl of candy! 

Happy Halloween!

Your spiritual guide,
Joanne

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EAT YOUR VEGGIES by Steph Inglesfield

Stephanie Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a stomach ache and I just can't understand why. Do you think that eating 2 lbs. of candy corn cold have anything to do with it? I thought that since it was made from a vegetable it would be ok, right?

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Steph:

With all these ghoulies, eyeballs, gut jellies, zombie feasts... You think your stomach ache is due to Candy Corn! You fool! I say, eat Candy Corn till you puke, it's only Halloween once a year, right?

Now, I had to look up Candy Corn on Wikipedia since you insular passportless Americans just assumed that me, a sophisticated, Chanel perfumed French lady would know such a tasteless, palate insulting little treat. The wee suppository shaped sweet in question is made mostly of wax. Considering its body friendly shape, I can only imagine it is earwax we are dealing with here. You transatlantic folks are gross.

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IF IT'S ON SESAME STREET THEN.....by Jeffrey Jena

JEFFREY JENA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was watching Sesame Street with my child the other day and they were showing a woman breastfeeding her baby. Now, my child is constantly pulling open my shirt while saying, “Milk, milk, milk”. I never breast fed my baby and actually have felt guilty that I didn’t. I don’t want my child to blame me later in life for their oral fixation with things. Do you think I should start now or is it too late?

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Jeffrey:
Dear Lactose Intolerant,

You neglect to tell us two important facts that we need before we can give you an answer. First, are you a woman or a man? Second, how old is your child? If you are a man and your child is now 25 your problems are now beyond my help. If you are a woman and your child is under the age of two, give it a shot! No pun intended! However, remember if you are going to breastfeed in public you should bring enough for everyone! 

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APPLE DID IT WHY CAN'T I? by Jeffrey Jena

JEFFREY JENA

ICE CREAM, THE OTHER WHITE MEAT by Jeffrey Jena

JEFFREY JENA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is it so wrong that all I want to do is eat ice cream all day long? My wife seems to think so but I don’t see the problem. After all, doesn’t everyone eat ice cream?

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Jeffrey:

Dear Butterfat,

The only reason your wife has an objection to your constant clogging of your coronary arteries is that you are the main breadwinner. She fears watching you keel over and becoming a single mom with no future. Buy a nice twenty five year term life policy with a 2 million dollar payout and soon she’ll be serving up endless bowls of Haagen-Dazs with a side of lard! Bon Appetit! 

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I'M FULL by Jeffrey Jena

JEFFREY JENA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I made cookies today for my children to have after school. However, I ate all except for a few crumbs and burnt ones. Should I save that for them or throw them out…… I'm full.

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Jeffrey:

Dear Crumbsucker,

Your first mistake was having kids, but since we’re way past there let’s talk about cookies. If you leave the burnt cookies out on a plate your kids will turn up their nose. Make them eat the burned cookies. NO MILK! Repeat this scenario for several weeks. Soon your kids will be asking for carrot sticks and that healthy crap they are being brainwashed with at the government school down on the corner. Soon you are munching down trays of Fudge Stripes while they are anorexic teens counting the calories in a Wheat Thin. Thank you Dr. Pavlov. 

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THE GENIUS' BEHIND THE HAUS OF MIMOSA

Steven Incammicia

&

Travis Barr

of 

THEHAUSOFMIMOSA.COM

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