CHRISTIAN DATING SERVICE by Kyle Ploof

Kyle Ploof

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I keep getting email about dating Christian men but I’m an atheist. Would it be wrong to pretend I’m a believer? Some of those guys are HOT! Oh and when we meet for the first time should I bring a Bible?

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Kyle: Would it be wrong to pretend you’re a believer?  It’d be a sin to let these guys get away!  But you can’t get all this hot Christian action without signing up for their website first.  All you need is your name, phone number, address, credit card & social security numbers-- as well as your mother’s maiden name.  And then you’re off to the races!  Even though you don’t believe in God, you’ll be running to church every Sunday (to pray for your identity back.)

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TAILES MY CAT TELLS by Kyle Ploof

Kyle Ploof

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My cat likes to jump up on my lap while I’m working. Sometimes he will hit the keys on the keyboard and make words. He does this a lot and it’s starting to make me think he’s my dead grandfather trying to talk to me. Do you think I should write a book and call it, “Stuff My Cat Say’s”?

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Kyle: The “Stuff My (Blank) Says” phenomenon has gone global.  It’s time for you to cash in!  Be the frontrunner on the “Stuff My Dead Grandfather/Living Cat Says.”  Niche markets like this are just waiting to be recognized.  I can see the sales pitch now: “Buy this for your favorite cat loving hoarder today!”

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RIP by Kyle Ploof

Kyle Ploof

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friends mom passed away so I bought a sympathy card to mail to her. As I was putting it together I remembered I owe her $5.00. Is it ok to put the cash in there too or will she think that it’s a donation for her mother’s passing? I don’t want to get gypped and have to pay her again. Maybe I should put in a yellow sticky note on the inside of the card.

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Kyle: Ah, the old “My-friend’s-mom-just-died-and-I-totally-remembered-I-owe-her-some-cash” dilemma.  We’ve all been there.  Here’s what I would do.  First, and least importantly, write a small “sorry for your loss” message.  Then, on a yellow sticky note write how sorry you are about not getting the money you owed her back to her fast enough.  (Remember, this situation is about YOU.)  Put four single dollar bills  and tape two quarters and five dimes-- in the shape of a frowney face :( to the inside.  Follow these instructions, and I promise you-- you’ll never have to worry about paying her back again. 

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VOILA'...WHISKERLESS CAT by Kyle Ploof

Kyle Ploof

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I created a logo for a customer and I forgot to put whiskers on the cat. She noticed and said something to me. Rather than look like I didn’t know what I was doing I told her that it is a rare breed of cat called a Mexican Whiskerless. I’m afraid she’s going to google it and find I lied. Should I buy a website and Photoshop the whiskers off cats and put it up so she’ll believe me?

Kyle: Back in the day, all anyone had to do was tell a lie quickly with confidence and no one could question it.  In the age of technology, it’s much harder to sneak wrong facts by people in conversation.  However,  luckily for us-- there are online encyclopedias that can be edited by anyone-- and spewing out lies that look official can be easily done!  All you have to do is log-in, create a posting for “Mexican Whiskerless” and put in something official sounding like: “The Mexican Whiskerless originated from France and they totes exist, lolz!!!”  Show it to her and she’ll be apologizing to YOU in no time!  

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SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE by Kyle Ploof

Kyle Ploof

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I feel like I have an ear infection but don’t want to go to the doctor. I found some drops my vet gave me for my dog when he had one. Do you think I should double the dosage because I weigh about twice as much as him or should I call my vet and ask?

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Kyle: The only thing worse than getting an ear infection is having to go all the way to your doctor’s office just so he can write a prescription to cure it, am I right?  As for using the dog medication-- what’s the worst that could happen?  (Neural toxicity and loss of brain function, if you must know.)  But as the great Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.”  I say triple the dosage and report back with your findings!  That is, if you can remember how to use a computer.

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ECO FRIENDLY by Felix K.

Felix K.

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I hear that our environment would fair better if men no longer used condoms. I'm not ready for children so do you think a brown bag would work just as well? Or should I use a sock because then I could wash and go.


Felix K.: Dear WTF?

A brownbag? Are you serious? Talk about chaffing! If anything I would use a sock. Maybe throw some lotion in there as precaution. Lube it up really good just to be safe. Not only are you looking out for yourself, but you’re also looking out for the environment.

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PACKAGING IS EVERYTHING by Felix K.

Feli K.

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: There is a new product out for woman when they are having their monthly friend stop by. It’s called Diva Cup. I’d love to buy it but it's expensive. Do you think I could make my own using a ziplock baggie and tape it to my crotch? Oh and should I use duct tape or the invisible Scotch tape? They say packaging is everything. Maybe I could have it patented, your thoughts?

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Felix K.: Dear Diva,

First, I’d like to congratulate you on your ingenuity. Why use products that have been on the market for decades that absorbed your little friend when you can simply fill up a ziplock bag and throw it in your freezer for later. If you are going to use any sort of tape, definitely use duct tape. I find scotch tape just isn’t effective enough when trying to stick things to your genitals.

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