Survival of the Fitest by Calise Hawkins

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My best friend and I are up for a great promotion.  But, it’s for the same job. Is it wrong that I sent my boss a letter pretending I was my friend declining the promotion in favor of me? I say, survival of the one that out witest. Is that a word?

Calise: Yes, that is a word. But you spelled it wrong, you left out the "h". You definitely out whitest your friend. I'm assuming that your friend is black, tan, or yellow, and that you did the whitest thing you could by scheming to get his job. Congratulations!

The Apprentice by Calise Hawkins

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love the show, “The Apprentice”. Sooooo, I told friends that I was picked to be on the show (but I wasn’t). Do you think when the show airs I could say they cut me out because I was smarter than Donald Trump and he didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of the world?

Calise: Of course you can, that's exactly how tv works! Now all you have to do is shoot fake footage of the clips that were fake deleted of you outsmarting Trump. All you have to do is green screen yourself into some old scenes. You know how to do that right? Good. Now just lay down a fresh beat and edit those clips together like a slap chop commercial! Invite your friends over for the hottest two and a half minute viewing party in town.

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love the show, “The Apprentice”. Sooooo, I told friends that I was picked to be on the show (but I wasn’t). Do you think when the show airs I could say they cut me out because I was smarter than Donald Trump and he didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of the world?

Calise: Of course you can, that's exactly how tv works! Now all you have to do is shoot fake footage of the clips that were fake deleted of you outsmarting Trump. All you have to do is green screen yourself into some old scenes. You know how to do that right? Good. Now just lay down a fresh beat and edit those clips together like a slap chop commercial! Invite your friends over for the hottest two and a half minute viewing party in town.

Wedding Attire by Calise Hawkins

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I will be attending a summer wedding and it's suppose to be like 80 degrees out. Do you think it's ok to dress my son in a sweat suit?  I don't want him to get sunburn. Also, he is fussy because he's teething. Should I just lock him in the car with the windows up so no bugs get in? I could park it in the shade.

Calise: If it's 80 degrees out why would you dress your baby in a sweat suit? Is your baby homeless? Is your baby a rapper? Is your baby a homeless rapper that wants to work out after the ceremony? Or is your baby just obese? Which makes the sweat suit understandable if that is all he can fit into. Maybe you should leave the baby in the car with the window rolled up. This will create a makeshift sauna and allow your child to shed some of that unwanted baby fat in time for the next nuptials.

Eat Your Vegetables by Calise Hawkins

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Are potato chips & French fries considered a vegetable? And should I have 4 servings of them a day?

Calise: Potato chips and french fries are not generally the best way to get your daily intake of veggies, considering they are in fact starches. But here are some quick tips to make your selection more healthy. For potato chips: soak the potato chips in water. This will remove salt and excess grease. This will also render the chips inedible. It is healthy to not eat them. For french fries: peel or shave the outer fried layer of the french fries until all you have left is the soft inner mush. Pack the mush into a ball then gently mold it into the shape of a potato. Eat it. It will not be as healthy as an actual baked potato but it's the first visual step in the right direction.

Porno Princess by Calise Hawkins

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I recently won a beauty contest but later some people found out I formerly did porn. I of course lied and said that I never did porn.  How can I get myself out of this situation and keep my crown? I really like the crown.

Calise: Don't let your fondness for the crown get in the way of your true calling. Go buy yourself a tiara and be someone's Porno Princess! Because beauty fades, and years later when you're dried up and saggy, you can still work as a dirty porn grandma. That crown may make only you happy, but you have the power to determine the happiness of many. Don't be selfish.

Blind Man's Bluff by Dana Jay Bein

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband is blind AND has a host of health problems for which the doctor has prescribed meds. One such problem is, he’s FAT. He’s asked me to start buying only low fat foods. Thing is, I can't stand the taste. Do you think he’d know the difference if I keep buying butter and whole milk. Do you think I should ask his doctor to increase his medication dose and buy what I want? 

DANA: I completely condone manipulating your blind husband as much as possible. How better to show your love? You must be a really loving woman to stay with a fat, sick, blind guy. That is only furthered by the fact that you wrote in and you told us that your husband is FAT (in caps), ailing, and blind and you wonder openly if you should lie to him about the foods he puts into his body. It’s obvious that your sensitive taste buds are way more important than the health of your ill, blind and loving husband. Why not ask his doctor to overmedicate him? If you’re hungry and you are a picky eater; you can’t let love get in the way of that. You should just cheat on him. He won’t know unless you cheat on him in Braille. You should also dress him up in silly costumes for ha has. While you are out buying butter and whole milk and lying about shopping healthy, he is by your side dressed like the Great Pumpkin. Oh, love! Perhaps, his doctor can prescribe him a new wife. That might heal what is really ailing him. Besides, he probably isn’t even sick or blind. He’s probably faking it. He is probably manipulating you. That way he can dress however he wants, gain as much weight as he wants and look at hot women without you knowing about it. OUCH! Blind sided! I hope this doesn’t fall on deaf ears.

I Can't Stop Eating by Dana Jay Bein

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: All Winter long I have been eating non-stop. My boyfriend says I'm getting fat and to stop. But I’m thinking, aren’t we animals? And like all other animals isn’t it normal to put on a large layer of fat for Winter? You know, like bears. 

DANA: Are you a bear? If you are a bear, you have an amazing grasp on the human English language. You are also much less aggressive than bears I have run into. If you aren’t sure if you are a bear, you should track what you have been eating. Your diet should be an indicator. So should your home. If you live in a cave, you are probably a bear. If you conclude that you are human, you should stop hibernating. If you are a bear, you won’t get this answer for a month or so. I will assume that you are human from here on out. That said, humans and bears should not mimic one another. Have you seen those pathetic Berenstains? By the way, your boyfriend is a keeper. He might be the key to determining whether you are indeed bear or human. He also might be the key to determining whether you have high or low self esteem. That is really important to know. You should tell him that if you stop eating you will die. You should also tell him that if you are a bear, he might die. I didn’t get to answer your question because there is a large layer of fat in the way. Please ask again in the summer…in a bikini…unless you are a bear.

The Librarian by Dana Jy Bein

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:There is this super hot librarian that I’d like to hit on. What's the best way to hit on them because you can't really talk. 

DANA: You can’t hit on your librarian because I can’t really talk?

First of all, why would you base who you can and can’t hit on based on my ability to talk? Second of all, I can talk. I talk frequently and loudly and accurately. I even support the words I use with hand gestures and facial expressions. Thirdly, there is no such thing as a super-hot librarian. They only exist in movies. Fourth, you probably wouldn’t know that because hot librarians only exist in movies about libraries, in pornography and in pornography about libraries, and I assume you don’t watch those types of movies. This means you are either lying to me or you are confused about where you are. You might be an actor in one of those types of movies. Fifth, are you an actor in one of those movies? Sixth, if you are an actor, can you get me a job? Finally, if you can’t give me a job because you aren’t an actor, the best way to hit on a hot librarian is to shush people for her. It shows library chivalry, or, as I call it: libralry. Make sure you put your pointer finger over your lips perpendicular to the ground and avoid spitting. Otherwise, it’s pointless. Obviously.

At the Movies by Dana Jay Bein

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why do movies always feature hard-partying men and uptight women who learn to love? Why not hard-partying women and uptight men? 

DANA: Let’s use Tom Hanks’ movies to help answer this question.

In 1992, Tom Hanks played the ‘hard-partying’ Jimmy Dugan, manager of the Rockford Peaches in A League of Their Own, a movie about uptight women ‘learning to love’ playing baseball. Well, Madonna’s character wasn’t uptight. But, Madonna doesn’t count. Ever. In the movie Philadelphia, released in 1993, Tom Hanks played Andrew Beckett who had AIDS. There were no uptight, hard-partying men or women characters featured in this movie. However, Andrew Beckett still had AIDS. Fast forward one year, to 1994, when Forrest Gump was released. In Forrest Gump, Tom Hanks played the uptight lead that fell for hard partying Jenny who eventually contracted AIDS. In a League of Their Own, Hollywood followed the AIDS – free formula. Feature a hard partying male and some uptight women who learn to love. In Philadelphia and Forrest Gump, characters died of AIDS due to carelessness about what and what not to feature. Movies have learned their lesson about AIDS, especially Tom Hanks’ movies.

Challenger Deep by Dana Jay Bein

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: The Challenger Deep, at over 38,000 feet below the surface of the Pacific Ocean has a pressure of over 16,000 Lbs per square foot.  Keeping this in mind, do you think my girlfriend is cheating on me?

DANA: Wow. This question puts a lot of pressure on me. I feel 16,000 lbs of pressure on my shoulders. I am 38,000 feet below qualified to answer this question without all of the facts. If you asked your girlfriend the same question directly, it would probably Challenger Deep. She would probably say no. I would probably say yes. Wait, I would definitely say yes. She is cheating on you with the Pacific Ocean. Soon, all of the facts will surface. She’s only interested in his body…of water. Surfs up!