CHRISTIAN DATING SERVICE by Kyle Ploof

Kyle Ploof

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I keep getting email about dating Christian men but I’m an atheist. Would it be wrong to pretend I’m a believer? Some of those guys are HOT! Oh and when we meet for the first time should I bring a Bible?

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Kyle: Would it be wrong to pretend you’re a believer?  It’d be a sin to let these guys get away!  But you can’t get all this hot Christian action without signing up for their website first.  All you need is your name, phone number, address, credit card & social security numbers-- as well as your mother’s maiden name.  And then you’re off to the races!  Even though you don’t believe in God, you’ll be running to church every Sunday (to pray for your identity back.)

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TAILES MY CAT TELLS by Kyle Ploof

Kyle Ploof

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My cat likes to jump up on my lap while I’m working. Sometimes he will hit the keys on the keyboard and make words. He does this a lot and it’s starting to make me think he’s my dead grandfather trying to talk to me. Do you think I should write a book and call it, “Stuff My Cat Say’s”?

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Kyle: The “Stuff My (Blank) Says” phenomenon has gone global.  It’s time for you to cash in!  Be the frontrunner on the “Stuff My Dead Grandfather/Living Cat Says.”  Niche markets like this are just waiting to be recognized.  I can see the sales pitch now: “Buy this for your favorite cat loving hoarder today!”

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RIP by Kyle Ploof

Kyle Ploof

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friends mom passed away so I bought a sympathy card to mail to her. As I was putting it together I remembered I owe her $5.00. Is it ok to put the cash in there too or will she think that it’s a donation for her mother’s passing? I don’t want to get gypped and have to pay her again. Maybe I should put in a yellow sticky note on the inside of the card.

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Kyle: Ah, the old “My-friend’s-mom-just-died-and-I-totally-remembered-I-owe-her-some-cash” dilemma.  We’ve all been there.  Here’s what I would do.  First, and least importantly, write a small “sorry for your loss” message.  Then, on a yellow sticky note write how sorry you are about not getting the money you owed her back to her fast enough.  (Remember, this situation is about YOU.)  Put four single dollar bills  and tape two quarters and five dimes-- in the shape of a frowney face :( to the inside.  Follow these instructions, and I promise you-- you’ll never have to worry about paying her back again. 

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VOILA'...WHISKERLESS CAT by Kyle Ploof

Kyle Ploof

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I created a logo for a customer and I forgot to put whiskers on the cat. She noticed and said something to me. Rather than look like I didn’t know what I was doing I told her that it is a rare breed of cat called a Mexican Whiskerless. I’m afraid she’s going to google it and find I lied. Should I buy a website and Photoshop the whiskers off cats and put it up so she’ll believe me?

Kyle: Back in the day, all anyone had to do was tell a lie quickly with confidence and no one could question it.  In the age of technology, it’s much harder to sneak wrong facts by people in conversation.  However,  luckily for us-- there are online encyclopedias that can be edited by anyone-- and spewing out lies that look official can be easily done!  All you have to do is log-in, create a posting for “Mexican Whiskerless” and put in something official sounding like: “The Mexican Whiskerless originated from France and they totes exist, lolz!!!”  Show it to her and she’ll be apologizing to YOU in no time!  

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SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE by Kyle Ploof

Kyle Ploof

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I feel like I have an ear infection but don’t want to go to the doctor. I found some drops my vet gave me for my dog when he had one. Do you think I should double the dosage because I weigh about twice as much as him or should I call my vet and ask?

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Kyle: The only thing worse than getting an ear infection is having to go all the way to your doctor’s office just so he can write a prescription to cure it, am I right?  As for using the dog medication-- what’s the worst that could happen?  (Neural toxicity and loss of brain function, if you must know.)  But as the great Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.”  I say triple the dosage and report back with your findings!  That is, if you can remember how to use a computer.

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ECO FRIENDLY by Felix K.

Felix K.

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I hear that our environment would fair better if men no longer used condoms. I'm not ready for children so do you think a brown bag would work just as well? Or should I use a sock because then I could wash and go.


Felix K.: Dear WTF?

A brownbag? Are you serious? Talk about chaffing! If anything I would use a sock. Maybe throw some lotion in there as precaution. Lube it up really good just to be safe. Not only are you looking out for yourself, but you’re also looking out for the environment.

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PACKAGING IS EVERYTHING by Felix K.

Feli K.

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: There is a new product out for woman when they are having their monthly friend stop by. It’s called Diva Cup. I’d love to buy it but it's expensive. Do you think I could make my own using a ziplock baggie and tape it to my crotch? Oh and should I use duct tape or the invisible Scotch tape? They say packaging is everything. Maybe I could have it patented, your thoughts?

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Felix K.: Dear Diva,

First, I’d like to congratulate you on your ingenuity. Why use products that have been on the market for decades that absorbed your little friend when you can simply fill up a ziplock bag and throw it in your freezer for later. If you are going to use any sort of tape, definitely use duct tape. I find scotch tape just isn’t effective enough when trying to stick things to your genitals.

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EAR-A-TATED by Felix K.

Felix K.

Dear Stupid Ass Question: My car broke down and I need to get to an appointment. So a friend offered to give me a ride. The bummer is that she complains the whole time I am with her. Do you think she'd notice if I had in earplugs? I will nod and uh huh every once in a while.

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Felix: Dear User,

Who cares if your friend complains, let her complain. It’s her car! If you don’t like it, take the bus. If you got into my car wearing earplugs I would dump you on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. Suck it up princess.

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WHAT ARE BFF'S FOR ANYWAY? by Felix K.

Felix K.

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friend just went in the hospital for an operation. I called and said I would be coming by for a visit and bringing her a surprise. So I baked cookies. Of course I had to try one just to make sure it tasted ok. I ended up eating the whole dozen. Do you think I could pretend I didn’t know she was ever in the hospital? She was having gastric bypass surgery so maybe cookies weren’t the best idea anyway.

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Felix: Dear Surprise, 

This chick just had Gastric Bypass Surgery, throwing cookies in her face wasn’t the brightest idea to begin with. She has no idea what you were going to bring. For all she knows you’re the surprise. That’s how I would play it out. Just bust through the door and start yelling “Surprise, I’m here!” If she asks if you brought her anything just say “yes... I brought you my friendship.”

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DENTA-BONE THE AFTER SCHOOL SNACK by Felix K.

Felix K.

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: At the last minute my niece asked if I would watch her kids after school. I would like to have some snacks for the kids but don't have time to go to the store. Do you think they would know that they were eating milk bones if I quickly dipped them in some melted chocolate chips?

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Felix K.: Dear Snacks, No, kids are stupid. They’ll eat anything dipped in chocolate. They’ll have no idea what their eating.  Kids eat far worse things. If it’s anything like the advertisement says it will at least help clean their teeth, because we all know there is no such thing as doggy dentures.

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THELMA MINUS LOUISE by Stephanie Inglesfield

Stephanie Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: There is a car I really want but my husband is already working 3 jobs just to support our family. Should I open up a credit card and charge it. I can tell him my great aunt died and left it to me.

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Stephanie: Girl, Wake up! What a boring life you have! What, did I read right? You have wasted your best years on children and a hard working family man, am I correct?

Look at yourself. Hey, how many more years on the mortgage? You'll be menopausal by then, right? I bet You spend evenings worrying about what your teenage daughter is up to. Just admit it: you wish you could be again in the back of that Chevy with a bottle of Absolut, a box a Trojans and that guy you met at that party whatever. Those were the days! The wheel has turned. No, YOU let it turn!

Thankfully you have written to me! Why just fantasize? This is what you need to do:

-the car you mentioned. Good start. Now, double its price by going top of the range. I'm thinking sports model here. Corvette, red, small, sexy, noisy, racy... You want a car that if it were a body part, it would be huge Dolly Parton style breast implants!

-do not worry about that husband of yours. With 3 jobs, I bet the poor sod doesn't even notice when you have your hair done. Well then, if he can't see that, what are the odds of him spotting a new car locked away in the garage? Exactly!

-considering his plan in life was you, kids and hard work, what did you expect? So, the only way out of this hole, is to ThelmaandLouise it: hit the road, cheap sex in motels, Wine Coolers and weed, go crazy. Gamble, strip, drink stuff you can't pronounce, sleep with men from countries you have never heard of, shorten you T-shirts, pill it, inject it... Rave it babe!

-your husband suffers from a surplus of principles and a lack of imagination... Do not take that crap anymore. JUST BE YOU!

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MEALS ON WHEELS by Stephanie Inglesfield

Stephanie Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My niece asked me if I would watch her 6 and 9 year old kids twice a week. When she dropped them off for the first time she said, “Just treat them like they are your own”. So I make them clean the house while I watch my soaps. My question is, do you think they could handle making me dinner too? I mean that’s what I made my kids do.

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Stephanie: Hey lady, things have changed! Nowdays kids can't cook anymore. So if you want burnt microwave macaroni and cheese twice a week, go ahead! Clean? Kids don't do housework these days. Have you heard of Minecraft, COD etc... That's what 6 year olds do nowadays.

Gosh, you sound like an old pimp, and I bet you look like one. Now, look, your problem is not that you are a mean, lazy, selfish old bag, no, it is that you are senile. It's got a name, 1st letter A... AL... No, not Albert... Alzheimer's ... So ask your niece to google Meals on Wheels for you. You're such a cheap cow, you can afford it. Hey, while they're at it, they could also deliver diapers for you. You'll never have to get up from your LazyBoy and you can spend the rest of your sorry life in front of the TV. Nothing to worry about: when you croak, you won't have time to mummify: your pathetic remains wil be found within a day by the Meal-0n-wheels guy... All part of the service!

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WEIGHING MY OPTIONS by Stephanie Inglesfield

Stephanie Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I went to the doctor for my annual check-up. The nurse weighed me and I gained 10 pounds! She said, “Just wait till the doctor sees this, you’re in big trouble. You were supposed to lose weight!” So after she left I erased what she wrote and wrote in 25 lbs less. Do you think I’ll go to HELL for lying? Technically I didn’t lie, my fingers did. Right? 

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Stephanie: I cannot help thinking you are missing the point here. Will a liar like you go to heaven or to hell? Frankly, I'm not sure. All I know is that if you keep on putting on weight at this rate, you'll get there damn quicker than if you listen to your doctor.

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RESTAURATEUR by Stephanie Inglesfield

Stephanie Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Every time I make food it taste so good. Should I quit my job at McDonald’s and open a restaurant?

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Stephanie:  NO! I am French, so I know about food. So take my words as if they came from God Himself: the French, oui, oui, we are God's gift to gastronomy.

One observation, one piece of advise:

My poor fellow, working in that notorious burger joint was one big mistake. You work long shifts, and they give you free food for your meal breaks. And I bet, in your ignorance, you took it. So, here is the bad news: you have damaged your palate, probably for ever. Poor sod, you would not know good food if it were served to you on a silver tray by a man called Jean-Pierre with a big white hat on his head. Are you beyond hope? Probably. Only spending a few years in Paris and experiencing its gastronomy three times a day might change this sad state of things.

Which takes to me to my piece of advise. Take yourself out of this gastronomical desert you seem to have landed yourself in. Buy a beret, a plane ticket, a duffle bag, gather the few dollars that you have made in this chain of shame and come to the land where food IS.  Our toilets might be dirty, our hands not washed too often and we might prefer a splash of Chanel 5 to a shower, but, here, for the first time in your lamentable life, you will not just eat, but experience food.

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MOMMY BLOG OR SEMI-PORN BLOG by Stephanie Inglesfield

Stephanie Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a blog about daily life as a mom. So far I have 3 subscribers of which one of them is me. I’ve been blogging for a year now and feel that I should have more. Do you think if I post a few semi porn shots I might get more followers?

Stephanie: I think porn is always a good option. It is recession proof. If anything, unemployment, despair and homelessness have always been the start of many addictions, sex on top- pun non intended. Now, you mention "semi porn". I am not sure what you mean. I hate being interrupted when I am in the middle of it, and I do not believe to be unique in that. Do you mean you would only show one cheek, and not turn the other?

Really, I think it all depends on how much your body has been damaged by maternity.

-if your BMI is above 35, any close shot would have to be "semi". One can take a close intimate shot of a marble, but not of a hot air ballon. There is a special market for this type of porn. As a niche, it is lucrative.

-if you have lost the baby weight but now are covered with stretch marks, there is also a market for that, I am sure, but I suspect that Britney has already snatched it.

If your breasts look completely deflated and hang down to your belly button, then strike a deal with National Geographic:  their readers never seem to tire of this particular body type.

- now, if you have managed to pull a Victoria Beckham, I would invest in a webcam, a thong, a couple of dildos, spare batteries, and a Cosmo subscription. Call your vids "Mother for Voyeur". Charge a hefty monthly subscription. Have the dirty little perverts fill out an online form- you will be pleased when your looks fade, and you can then continue to generate income through blackmail.

Your partner's devotion and libido will be increased ten-fold in the knowledge of all these men lusting for you.

We all want love and money. Porn is the way.

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CONSTRUCTIVE STALKING? by Anna Lefler

Anna Lefler

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I just got an email that said, “Need your roof replaced.”  How do they know?  Isn’t this considered stalking?  Should I call the police and report them?

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Anna: Yes!  This is definitely intrusive.  I bet it’s the same people who send me forms demanding a portion of my income every year.  And get this:  somehow, they always know EXACTLY how much money I made and they always want a check on April 15th.  Yeah, like I’m gonna fall for that.

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LIFE IN CHINA by Anna Lefler

Anna Lefler

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  Why does everyone always ask me if I have a Chinese girlfriend?  I live in China right now, and I want to know if this is some sort of cultural thing, or are there just a lot of drunk Chinese people hitting on me?

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Anna: Well, that could be caused by a variety of factors, but for starters, you might want to take off that t-shirt that reads, “Ask me about my Chinese girlfriend.”

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DOG'S BOWL by Anna Lefler

Anna Lefler

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I let my dog drink out of the toilet when he is thirsty.  I like this method because he will never run out of water.  The problem is that I sometimes forget to flush.  Actually, I heard on TV you could save money by not flushing as often.  How much could I save they didn’t say?

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Anna: Take the money you’re saving by not flushing and hire a food taster.  Trust me, that dog will be evening the score, one way or another.  

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SWITCHED by Anna Lefler

Anna Lefler

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  My best friend just got an award for one of her pieces of artwork.  I entered the same show, but only got a “GOOD TRY.”  She doesn’t know the results yet, so should I switch the two awards and just be all like, “Oh, I’m so sorry better luck next time?”  She’s really not too bright.

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Anna: Yes, that sounds like a good plan.  Because everyone will totally believe that your macramé Magnum P.I. plant holder beat out your friend’s tear-inducing sculpture of Madonna and Child.

GOVERNMENT REPOS STUDENT BRAIN by Anna Lefler

Anna Lefler

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I got a student loan so I could go to school.  I dropped out a few months prior to graduating.  Now I get a bill from them expecting to be paid.  I never finished school so I don’t have to repay them, do I?  What are they gonna do…repo my brain?

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Anna: No, chances are they’d go for something more valuable.  If I were you, I’d keep an eye on your VCR.

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366 DAYS OF BODY ART by Michael Brown

MICHAEL BROWN

ACTORS EROTIC FICTION by Michael Brown

MICHAEL BROWN