Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard that peanut butter is loaded with protein and that protein is good for your hair? So I used it as a shampoo but it seemed a bit greasy. Do you think it was the brand I used? Also, I should wear a hat when I leave the house to ward off a squirrel attack? I mean I hear they love peanuts. Is that an old wives tale and they’re getting a bum wrap?
LOGAN LEE: You are quite right; peanut butter does have a high protein content, however, like all other foods you need to eat it with your mouth in order to absorb all its nutrients. Rubbing peanut butter in your hair does moisturize but in no way cleans it and should not be left in when you leave the house. In technical terms you can’t use it as a shampoo but rather as a lubricant. Once your hair is peanut buttered you can feel free to stick your head between stair banister posts or perform an old-timey jailbreak!
There’s no need to fear a squirrel attack while you have peanut butter on your head, as squirrels are raw-foodists and are uninterested in peanuts in processed forms. However, you are likely to be a victim of their pointed ridicule! Neighborhood squirrels will most likely gather to gawk at you for using over processed/high fat forms of the legume! They are notorious for their harassment of people who are slaves to the big nut corporations!
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