IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT COUNT by Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I hear that woman should carry pepper spray around with them in case of an attack. I was thinking of making my own with cayenne pepper. My question is, would it make the pain easier to take if I added a hint of lavender or perhaps rose? I’m not into hurting anyone but if I have to at least it won’t be totally unpleasant right?

MARV ELLIS: I'm assuming you were not born prior to the 80's as I have yet to see your face on a milk carton-- That said, I applaud your compassion. 4 out of 5 rapists and murderers polled have stated that they miss that the most from their victims. The other 20% cited money-- this economy has hit everyone hard.

This brings us to your ingenuity! Pepper spray is just a name, as it's not REALLY made up of pepper. It's made up of harsh chemicals that eat away at soft membranes causing excruciating pain to someone trying to end your life. (Gee, sounds like I have experience in the matter :P) Your concoction sounds like something I'd spray in my bathroom after eating chili, polish sausage, corndogs, salsa, broccoli, and a pound of cheese to bunch me up for a week after. As you can imagine, that turned out to be quite a lingering odor!!! 

So here's my advise, seeing as you have a bleeding heart death wish-- stay inside your home and manufacture your new product "Extreme Odor Deatherizer!", become a multimillionaire, and order out for all your meals. That way you'll never have to worry about being out in public with all us--- er, them murderers and rapists that you don't want to hurt. :) 

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WHEELCHAIR FRIENDLY? by Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Recently I became friends with someone who is in a wheelchair. Does this mean I can’t make fun of the disabled anymore?

MARV ELLIS: Well first off, we have to define the word "Disabled". My dictionary is at the shop for a tune up, so I called my friend Dick Johnson at the Division of Definitions in Peoria. According to Dick, the term "Disabled" is subjective to say the least. One person may feel you have to be in a coma with no arms or legs before being so much as partially "Disabled". Another person may just think you have to listen to Kenny G. His advice, if you still want to make fun of disabled people, is to become a full fledged member of the Republican Party. Then you can make fun of your friend in the wheelchair calling him / her a "Lazy Bastard" for wanting to be wheeled around instead of getting off his / her fat ass and walking like the rest of us!! And to top it off, you don't have to worry if you offend fat, lazy bastards, cuz it's not like they're going to chase you down and beat you to a pulp or something-- they're fat, lazy bastards.

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SMALL TOWN HICK OR REDNECK by Marv Ellis

Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I design websites for a living. I just finished the design of a web site with super cool fonts and graphics. I showed it to my client and he said he didn't like it. So I said what the hell do you know. Your just a small town hick. He got mad and asked for his money back. Was I supposed to call him a redneck? I don't know how things work in the back woods.

Marv Ellis: I don't know how things work in the back woods either, so I sent my Amish friend Billy Joe Jedidiah Jacob undercover to investigate. He reported back to me a couple days ago with this e-mail:

Billy Joe Jedidiah Jacob

GO BUTTER TILLERS!!!!!!!!

OK, so I've taught him how to use a mouse and send an e-mail-- next step, the keyboard! So I drove over to his barn to see what he came up with. Here's what he had to say:"Well, I recon that fella perturbed that other fella by callin him a "Hick". Seems that mighta been acceptable practice back in the 60's or even early 70's before everyone got all "Touchy-Feely" about how they's bein addressed! When they's moved on to "Redneck", well, they's still feelin mighty slighted by the reference, so they all got together and settled on a term that they's can all live with. I waited with breathless anticipation-- no, seriously, I did-- I SWEAR!!! "Seems the term "Rose-Tinted Vertebrates" is what they recon they's wants to be called from now on! It's references a sweet smellin flower, and somewhat includes them in the human race.  WHAT!?!?!?!? I screamed! INCLUDE BACKWOODS HICKS IN THE HUMAN RACE!?!?!?! ARE YOU NUTS!?!?!?

Geez, what's next I thought?? Include comedians in the human race too!? What in God's name is this world coming to??????

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IT'S WHATS FOR DINNER by Logan Lee

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I over heard my boss talking to his wife about having eggplant for dinner. I really love eggplant. Could I just show up at this house around dinnertime and act like I was invited. He doesn’t have such a great memory & I’ll bring a package of cool-aid to make it look like it was my contribution. 

LOGAN LEE: Well, eggplants usually cost less than $5 so if you have a job and transportation you shouldn’t need to scam your way into a meal. Also, there are several ways to ruin eggplant so there’s no guarantee it will taste good. 

If you do decide to trick your senile boss into feeding you, it would be appropriate to bring something more substantial than a package of Kool-Aid. You should at least have the courtesy of preparing the Aid before you arrive (water is free)!

In addition to being an awkward houseguest, you could face home invasion charges for using a false premise to enter their home. So if you’re looking at $5 for your own eggplant or 10 years with Butch turning you inside out, it really just depends on how lonely you are! 

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WORKERS COMP by Logan Lee

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I got hurt on the job but don’t feel like going to the Dr. because they are so expensive. My sister is a vet and offered to x-ray me and put me on painkillers for dogs. Do you think I have to pay her for this? 

LOGAN LEE: Well there’s a fantastic thing called workers compensation which means that if you get hurt at work, even if it’s your fault, they have to pay for your doctor and medication! I suggest going to see a human doctor since they are more capable of addressing your needs, especially if it relates to your tail or snout. You’ll also avoid a mandatory neutering! 

If you decide to use your vet sister as your primary care physician you will not be required to pay her for her services. It would be illegal for her to practice medicine on a human and according to Ms. Manners you are not required to pay back ally doctors for their services and may even blackmail them for future free procedures! Make sure she puts those bows behind your ears!

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HAIR-LICIOUS by Logan Lee

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard that peanut butter is loaded with protein and that protein is good for your hair? So I used it as a shampoo but it seemed a bit greasy. Do you think it was the brand I used? Also, I should wear a hat when I leave the house to ward off a squirrel attack? I mean I hear they love peanuts. Is that an old wives tale and they’re getting a bum wrap? 

LOGAN LEE: You are quite right; peanut butter does have a high protein content, however, like all other foods you need to eat it with your mouth in order to absorb all its nutrients. Rubbing peanut butter in your hair does moisturize but in no way cleans it and should not be left in when you leave the house. In technical terms you can’t use it as a shampoo but rather as a lubricant. Once your hair is peanut buttered you can feel free to stick your head between stair banister posts or perform an old-timey jailbreak! 

There’s no need to fear a squirrel attack while you have peanut butter on your head, as squirrels are raw-foodists and are uninterested in peanuts in processed forms. However, you are likely to be a victim of their pointed ridicule! Neighborhood squirrels will most likely gather to gawk at you for using over processed/high fat forms of the legume! They are notorious for their harassment of people who are slaves to the big nut corporations! 

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GRAND CANYON BOUND by Logan Lee

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friend is in a wheelchair but she only has MS. Why doesn’t she get up, it’s not like she’s paralyzed. Should I hide her chair? I told my mother that I was thinking of this and she said I’m being insensitive. I think I might be doing her a favor. What do you think?

LOGAN LEE: While I applaud your advocacy for physical fitness and pushing your friend to her athletic peak, though in this case she’d be better off in the wheelchair. Your friend has been given the ultimate life accessory! Let me explain; accessories have been proven to give the wearer perks, for example a watch lets you tell time, a diaper lets you pee your pants, and a set of giant black plastic glasses allow you to infiltrate the hipster clan undetected! 

The handicapable community has their own accessories, and a wheelchair is firmly atop that list! Crutches are cool if you’re in high school and sprained your ankle; they’re a great way to get attention. However, as an adult the novelty wears off and you realize that person’s ailment can probably be cured with ice. Prosthetics, while a miracle, are usually hidden requiring the wearer to point it out like a douche to get sympathy. Where as a wheelchair receives instant sympathy garnering unsolicited favors from strangers as well as free rides from people and gravity! 

Video:If you have the ability to splurge on your wheeled mobility device I suggest you get a motorized wheelchair! Not only will you not have to worry about having appropriate upper body strength but as long as your battery has juice you can travel on any level surface you want! They even have chairs straight out of “Transformers” that will put you in a standing position if you are no longer able to rely on your muscles to do so…or just did a bunch of lunges! 

Also, due to the nature of your friend’s disease if you were to get her standing and walking around, her brain might not be able to send the signal that she is supposed to continue standing thus leaving her to fall into a number of dangerous scenarios. There’s also a chance her balance is effected and at any minute the wall could become the floor!

Best to just leave all healthcare/handicapable style decisions between your friend and her doctor!

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HANDI-CAPPABLE by Stirling Gardner

STIRLING GARDNER

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My mother needs a wheelchair to get around so she has a handicap sticker for the car. The other day she asked me if I would go to the mall to pick some things up for her. So I took the sticker & went to the mall. Some idiot lady yelled at me for using the handicap parking. I said, “You idiot, it’s for my handicap mother. She said well then where the hell is she? I said at home I’m getting something for her. She said your not suppose to use those unless your handicapped. I yelled, “Well she is”. She then threatens to call security if I didn’t get in my car and move. So I did and as soon as she was in the mall I backed my car into her’s. Sheezzee, what a dope… right?

Stirling Gardner: Is that your question? You spend all that time setting up this story to ask me if I think this lady is a dope? I think everyone’s a dope. You’re a dope, she’s a dope, everyone’s a dope dope. Old McDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o. and on his farm he had a chick that set up a really long situation to finally get to a question that is inane and stupid, e-i-e-i-o.  With a dope dope here and a dope dope there, here a dope, there a dope, everywhere a dope dope.  Speaking of dopes, I’d like to let you know that your mother is not crippled and actually doesn’t need a wheelchair. She’s just manipulative and lazy and wants to make you get shit for her. This has been true since you were born. Who’s the dope now???

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EVICTION by Stirling Gardner

STIRLING GARDNER

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Recently, my landlord served an eviction notice on me. It’s for failing to pay rent for the past year. I told him 6 months ago that I didn’t have the money. My question is, do you think he’s hard of hearing? He is old so … Oh and do I have to leave? If I do, do you think he could store my stuff until I find a place?

Stirling Gardner: Actually, I happen to be a landlord myself so I can answer this with no problems. He is not hard of hearing. He is currently entering your apartment when you aren’t home and rooting through your underwear drawer looking for your “period panties” – the ones you wear one weekend a month. I he then takes them and stores them in his oven where he bakes panty cakes and sells them on eBay. He can make way more $$ than you pay in rent so it’s in his best interest not to kick you out.

Just search eBay under “slacker tenant underwear pastry” – you’ll find it.

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THOU SHALT NOT STEAL ny Stirling Gardner

STIRLING GARDNER

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I found $50 in my husband’s car and I think it belongs to him. I took it and spent it, on lunch with my boyfriend. Was that considered stealing? I’m a Christian and I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

Stirling Gardner: That’s the beautiful thing about being a Christian – you can never do the wrong thing. You can be a one-eyed serial killer having sex with and chopping up autistic toddlers your entire life, but so long as you take Christ as your savior before you kick the bucket yourself, you are not wrong. It’s convenient as hell. Pun intended.

As for the $50, what did your BF have for lunch? This is an important consideration, because if it made him sick and you can reclaim any of that food, then no. If he ate it all down and crapped it out on your chest, it also negates the thievery because you are in fact, a whore that loves scat and then it’s even-steven.

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HISTORY REPEAT'S ITSELF by Stirling Gardner

Stirling Gardner

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard that they did a lot of coke in the 70's. Can you define a LOT? And I hear history repeats itself so, where should I be when the 70’s repeats it self?

Stirling Gardner: It seems to me that what you are really asking for here is to star in the real life remake of Scarface. Maybe make it a reality show set in current day Miami, but instead of hanging out with someone cool, like a young Al Pacino, you have to do blow with David Caruso, the weirdest redheaded mother fucker on earth. You guys can snort bath tubs full of cocaine, look at each other, remove your sunglasses and say some less-then-witty catchphrase like, “That’s why… pelicans are pink!” before the title sequence rips into The Who song now being covered for you lame show by Justin Beiber. So yeah, a lot = the size of Joe Paterno’s balls for not reporting a molestation crime. And make it Miami. They have terrific Cuban sandwiches.

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THE LITTLE BLUE PILL by Stirling Gardner

STIRLING GARDNER

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why am I the only one with a brain?

STIRLING: Because you took the blue pill, you moron. Everyone else knew to take the red pill, but you had to be different. Had to separate yourself from the crowd. Well, guess what? Turns out you are indeed the only one with a brain, but you have to hang out with you, your ass and your elbow, while the rest of us bandy about in ignorant brainless bliss. Good luck with that fellowship grant.

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BRAINS by Stirling Gardner

Stirling Gardner

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why am I the only one with a brain?

STIRLING GARDNER: Because you took the blue pill, you moron. Everyone else knew to take the red pill, but you had to be different. Had to separate yourself from the crowd. Well, guess what? Turns out you are indeed the only one with a brain, but you have to hang out with you, your ass and your elbow, while the rest of us bandy about in ignorant brainless bliss. Good luck with that fellowship grant.

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ECO FRIENDLY by Merc the Coms

MERC THE COMS

DEAR STUPID ASS QUESTIONS: Someone broke into my house and stole all my earrings. I hate the thought of going to work without any. I just feel naked. How do you think it would look if I stick some painted macaroni noodles to my ears with double sided tape?

MERC THE COMS: That would be stupid. I don’t think you should do it. That's some junk a child would do. What’s wrong with you? -Rodmerc

Bad. -Nikmerc

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IMPORTANT EMAIL by Merc the Coms

MERC THE COMS

DEAR STUPID ASS QUESTIONS: I just got an important email from Barak Obama! I had no idea he even knew I existed. Do you think that we are pen pals? I signed up to be pen pals with someone while I was in high school, maybe it was him. Maybe he'll hire me as the new vice president! I'm so excited that he wrote me!!! Should I quit my job right away? I want to be ready to go when he calls me to the oval office. Maybe I should pack now. Wait… first should I write back and see when he wants me to leave?

MERC THE COMS: Don’t mess with that dude. Just don’t mess with that dude.

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FREE ADVICE by Merc the Coms

MERC THE COMS

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m a counselor and when people find out they are always asking me for free advice. It drives me nuts. Should I tell them that I lost my hearing? I could buy fake hearing aids on Ebay and wear them. Then, when people start in I could just keep yelling out "WHAT?! WHATTT?!"

MERC THE COMS: As a counselor you shouldn't be asking other people for advice.

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S'ING THE D OF TPTB by Merc the Coms

MERC THE COMS

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m new to this country and recently I’ve heard much talk about day light savings time.  Do you know why they are saving it and where do they keep it?

MERC THE COMS: As Professional Bad Coms Mercs, we merc Bad Coms. If said Bad Coms is S’ing the D of TPTB, we will merc them out. The whole Daylight Savings Time is clearly the work of TPTB.

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METER MADNESS by Nick Cobb

NICK COBB

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: If I park in a 20 minute parking spot and I am there more then 20 minutes, will the 20-minute parking police come and get me??

Nick: Yes, but fortunately 20-minute meter maids are fewer and farther between than ever before. They are of the old guard. They've been replaced by the 7-minute and 8-minute (jettisoned from the Abs video company) , and THEY can't touch you. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly cheeky (I'm in the UK right now - forgive me), I stand outside my car at the 8 minute mark and taunt them. When they get close enough to see the meter with 12 minutes left, I can watch them cry and wish they stayed in parking school.

Don't forget about the 30-minute parking police who can only stand-by and wait, looking at their watches, while ultimately being disappointed.....as you'll never go ten minutes past. Of course the 30-minute police are a sad lot and should be pitied.  Now the 45 are a whole different story...crazy sons of....

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WORKOUT OR EAT OUT? by Nick Cobb

NICK COBB

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am on a diet but I can't stop eating when I watch tv.  Would it be better if  I watch a workout show while I eat?  

Nick: First off, how can these work-out people be so happy?  Working out is boring and tedious and looks ridiculous to objective parties.  I can't walk past a gym without pointing and laughing and eating donuts at these miserable people.  Working out is awful and I don't believe these hosts on workout shows are happy.  Not for a second. Second, yes, eat while you watch workout shows.  I can't get through a Bioflex infomercial without a bucket of chicken or a couple bratwursts and a poptart (with frosting). Third, stop working out.  People who work out are secretly miserable and just want to get you into their unhappy tribe on constant one-upmanship.  In fact, the only happy people on television are the Food Network cooks/hosts. They are delightful.  You will not find a single depressed host on the Food Network. So if you're going to work-out, do it watching the Food Network.  At least you won't detest who you're watching.   

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HAIR, MY CROWNING GLORY by Nick Cobb

NICK COBB

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: This winter has been so cold that my heat was constantly on. Because of this my hair has gotten extremely dry and also seems to be falling out. Can I sue my electric company?

NICK: Dear Sir --- I don't know if you can but sue anyway.  Who cares?  Robbers, murderers and kidnappers sue their victims all the time, and they're terrible people.  You're just a spoiled brat that can't handle a little baldness in December. The worst that can possibly happen?  Judge Judy yelling at you on national television.  My "Judy Judy-Appearance" advice to incite sympathy: when they fly you out for Judge Judy do NOT stay in the nice hotel they will provide for you.  Go sleep on a park bench somewhere in the Bronx next to a questionable man with a large cooler (though don't complain to the homeless about your heating issue).  To win this case, you need to look as terrible as possible.  It wouldn't hurt to roll into the courtroom in a wagon or talk with a stutter.  Yes, these are completely unrelated to your heat problem but that doesn't matter.  It would help if you could find some BEFORE pictures as well, or maybe some former partners who can vouch that you used to be much better looking. Basically, character/hair witnesses.

Also, talk AROUND the issue.  Go watch ol' George Bush Jr answer questions about Weapons of Mass Destructions.  Take notes.  Before long you'll have enough money for a wig or a scrunchie or something.  Of course, your dignity will be lost forever.  Having said that, I really support you in this one.  I think I'm going to sue my mom for having me under the Pisces sign.  It's the lamest sign on the calendar.  She couldn't have had me a day or two earlier?  How beautiful would my life be as an Aquarius?!  

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ANOTHER WORTHWHILE STUDY by Nick Cobb

NICK COBB

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is it true that a new study just determined that married people are more likely to get divorced than single people ?

NICK: I have no doubt that this is true and I have no doubt that people in elevators everywhere are reading that embarrassing factoid on a computer screen and making jokes about where our tax dollars go.  I'm not above this "Average Joe" stance.  If this statement is true, it is beyond pathetic.  Americans are no longer ashamed of anything.  And now even our research has suffered.  Where is the shame that scientists used to face when he/she walked into a patent's office with a block of wood with a piece of felt on it?  "It's a time-table."  "No it's crap!" they would say (in Irish accent).   Is this really where "progress" has led us to?  Now that middle class folks can go to the moon over a three-day weekend and a three year old can divorce his parents and marry his dog?!  Is there nothing else to explore, explain, exploit, discover or discredit?  Just idiot "research" my bagel-making friend Antoine "The Bone" Timms could have told me after he got married twice during spring break?!  And all that took was a study abroad program, a karaoke night and three silver bullets (his favorite). 

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