WHAT ARE BFF'S FOR ANYWAY? by Felix K.

Felix K.

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friend just went in the hospital for an operation. I called and said I would be coming by for a visit and bringing her a surprise. So I baked cookies. Of course I had to try one just to make sure it tasted ok. I ended up eating the whole dozen. Do you think I could pretend I didn’t know she was ever in the hospital? She was having gastric bypass surgery so maybe cookies weren’t the best idea anyway.

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Felix: Dear Surprise, 

This chick just had Gastric Bypass Surgery, throwing cookies in her face wasn’t the brightest idea to begin with. She has no idea what you were going to bring. For all she knows you’re the surprise. That’s how I would play it out. Just bust through the door and start yelling “Surprise, I’m here!” If she asks if you brought her anything just say “yes... I brought you my friendship.”

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DENTA-BONE THE AFTER SCHOOL SNACK by Felix K.

Felix K.

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: At the last minute my niece asked if I would watch her kids after school. I would like to have some snacks for the kids but don't have time to go to the store. Do you think they would know that they were eating milk bones if I quickly dipped them in some melted chocolate chips?

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Felix K.: Dear Snacks, No, kids are stupid. They’ll eat anything dipped in chocolate. They’ll have no idea what their eating.  Kids eat far worse things. If it’s anything like the advertisement says it will at least help clean their teeth, because we all know there is no such thing as doggy dentures.

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THELMA MINUS LOUISE by Stephanie Inglesfield

Stephanie Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: There is a car I really want but my husband is already working 3 jobs just to support our family. Should I open up a credit card and charge it. I can tell him my great aunt died and left it to me.

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Stephanie: Girl, Wake up! What a boring life you have! What, did I read right? You have wasted your best years on children and a hard working family man, am I correct?

Look at yourself. Hey, how many more years on the mortgage? You'll be menopausal by then, right? I bet You spend evenings worrying about what your teenage daughter is up to. Just admit it: you wish you could be again in the back of that Chevy with a bottle of Absolut, a box a Trojans and that guy you met at that party whatever. Those were the days! The wheel has turned. No, YOU let it turn!

Thankfully you have written to me! Why just fantasize? This is what you need to do:

-the car you mentioned. Good start. Now, double its price by going top of the range. I'm thinking sports model here. Corvette, red, small, sexy, noisy, racy... You want a car that if it were a body part, it would be huge Dolly Parton style breast implants!

-do not worry about that husband of yours. With 3 jobs, I bet the poor sod doesn't even notice when you have your hair done. Well then, if he can't see that, what are the odds of him spotting a new car locked away in the garage? Exactly!

-considering his plan in life was you, kids and hard work, what did you expect? So, the only way out of this hole, is to ThelmaandLouise it: hit the road, cheap sex in motels, Wine Coolers and weed, go crazy. Gamble, strip, drink stuff you can't pronounce, sleep with men from countries you have never heard of, shorten you T-shirts, pill it, inject it... Rave it babe!

-your husband suffers from a surplus of principles and a lack of imagination... Do not take that crap anymore. JUST BE YOU!

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MEALS ON WHEELS by Stephanie Inglesfield

Stephanie Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My niece asked me if I would watch her 6 and 9 year old kids twice a week. When she dropped them off for the first time she said, “Just treat them like they are your own”. So I make them clean the house while I watch my soaps. My question is, do you think they could handle making me dinner too? I mean that’s what I made my kids do.

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Stephanie: Hey lady, things have changed! Nowdays kids can't cook anymore. So if you want burnt microwave macaroni and cheese twice a week, go ahead! Clean? Kids don't do housework these days. Have you heard of Minecraft, COD etc... That's what 6 year olds do nowadays.

Gosh, you sound like an old pimp, and I bet you look like one. Now, look, your problem is not that you are a mean, lazy, selfish old bag, no, it is that you are senile. It's got a name, 1st letter A... AL... No, not Albert... Alzheimer's ... So ask your niece to google Meals on Wheels for you. You're such a cheap cow, you can afford it. Hey, while they're at it, they could also deliver diapers for you. You'll never have to get up from your LazyBoy and you can spend the rest of your sorry life in front of the TV. Nothing to worry about: when you croak, you won't have time to mummify: your pathetic remains wil be found within a day by the Meal-0n-wheels guy... All part of the service!

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WEIGHING MY OPTIONS by Stephanie Inglesfield

Stephanie Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I went to the doctor for my annual check-up. The nurse weighed me and I gained 10 pounds! She said, “Just wait till the doctor sees this, you’re in big trouble. You were supposed to lose weight!” So after she left I erased what she wrote and wrote in 25 lbs less. Do you think I’ll go to HELL for lying? Technically I didn’t lie, my fingers did. Right? 

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Stephanie: I cannot help thinking you are missing the point here. Will a liar like you go to heaven or to hell? Frankly, I'm not sure. All I know is that if you keep on putting on weight at this rate, you'll get there damn quicker than if you listen to your doctor.

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RESTAURATEUR by Stephanie Inglesfield

Stephanie Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Every time I make food it taste so good. Should I quit my job at McDonald’s and open a restaurant?

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Stephanie:  NO! I am French, so I know about food. So take my words as if they came from God Himself: the French, oui, oui, we are God's gift to gastronomy.

One observation, one piece of advise:

My poor fellow, working in that notorious burger joint was one big mistake. You work long shifts, and they give you free food for your meal breaks. And I bet, in your ignorance, you took it. So, here is the bad news: you have damaged your palate, probably for ever. Poor sod, you would not know good food if it were served to you on a silver tray by a man called Jean-Pierre with a big white hat on his head. Are you beyond hope? Probably. Only spending a few years in Paris and experiencing its gastronomy three times a day might change this sad state of things.

Which takes to me to my piece of advise. Take yourself out of this gastronomical desert you seem to have landed yourself in. Buy a beret, a plane ticket, a duffle bag, gather the few dollars that you have made in this chain of shame and come to the land where food IS.  Our toilets might be dirty, our hands not washed too often and we might prefer a splash of Chanel 5 to a shower, but, here, for the first time in your lamentable life, you will not just eat, but experience food.

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MOMMY BLOG OR SEMI-PORN BLOG by Stephanie Inglesfield

Stephanie Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a blog about daily life as a mom. So far I have 3 subscribers of which one of them is me. I’ve been blogging for a year now and feel that I should have more. Do you think if I post a few semi porn shots I might get more followers?

Stephanie: I think porn is always a good option. It is recession proof. If anything, unemployment, despair and homelessness have always been the start of many addictions, sex on top- pun non intended. Now, you mention "semi porn". I am not sure what you mean. I hate being interrupted when I am in the middle of it, and I do not believe to be unique in that. Do you mean you would only show one cheek, and not turn the other?

Really, I think it all depends on how much your body has been damaged by maternity.

-if your BMI is above 35, any close shot would have to be "semi". One can take a close intimate shot of a marble, but not of a hot air ballon. There is a special market for this type of porn. As a niche, it is lucrative.

-if you have lost the baby weight but now are covered with stretch marks, there is also a market for that, I am sure, but I suspect that Britney has already snatched it.

If your breasts look completely deflated and hang down to your belly button, then strike a deal with National Geographic:  their readers never seem to tire of this particular body type.

- now, if you have managed to pull a Victoria Beckham, I would invest in a webcam, a thong, a couple of dildos, spare batteries, and a Cosmo subscription. Call your vids "Mother for Voyeur". Charge a hefty monthly subscription. Have the dirty little perverts fill out an online form- you will be pleased when your looks fade, and you can then continue to generate income through blackmail.

Your partner's devotion and libido will be increased ten-fold in the knowledge of all these men lusting for you.

We all want love and money. Porn is the way.

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