CHRISTIAN VALUES by Gina Marie Rittale

GINA MARIE RITTALE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Gina Marie, I found $50 in my husband’s car and I think it belongs to him. I took it and spent it on lunch with my boyfriend. Was that considered stealing? I’m a Christian and I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

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Gina Marie:  Hey honey, your business is your business.  What’s the saying?  What’s mine is yours, What’s yours is mine, and finders keepers and all that.  Sometimes, a woman has urges and needs to act on them.  Your's just involves many acts of sin.  Hey, there’s nothing wrong with it.  Live your life but some people may judge you and get the right idea about who you really are.  As long as you can live with yourself that’s all that matters.  And who knows what will happen when we reach the pearly gates.  As long as you had a great time honey, does it really matter that you were a selfish, stealing, nymphomaniac? 

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MASTER BASTER by Gina Marie Rittale

GINA MARIE RITTALE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Gina Marie, I just read in a magazine while waiting in my gynecologist office about a woman who inseminated herself using a turkey baster & her gay friend’s sperm. I really want a child but can’t afford what the doctor would charge. My question is two fold. One, is gay sperm better than hetero sperm and two can I use the turkey baster after for our thanksgiving turkey?

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Gina Marie:  You know what?  I used to be a nurse.  Well, I went to school for it and was kicked out due to my squeamish nature with blood.  But, why don’t I do the procedure myself? I’ll do it for a reasonable price.  I even, have a primo doner, my son Joey who recently came out as a gay.  With my desire to have grandkids someday and your desire to be a mother we can both reap the benefits of my son’s gay sperm.  And who knows, maybe we’ll become like family and I’ll even invite you over for Thanksgiving dinner.  But, honey I don’t think I’d be able to stomach basting the turkey this year. 

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HOMELESS by Gina Marie Rittale

GINA MARIE RITTALE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Gina Marie, My car broke down last week and I can’t afford to buy a new one. I use it for everything most importantly, I live in it. I see benefits being held to help people in need. I’m in need so do you think I could hold a benefit that will benefit me? I could say it’s to raise money for the homeless. It’s kind of true.

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Gina Marie:  Oh, you poor thing.  I understand that now adays everyone and their mothers are looking to get a free hand out.  But, honey that is not the way to go.  And isn’t it a little tacky to beg for it?  The American dream is about working hard and reaping the benefits of what you sow.  Just look at Donald Trump, Bill Gates, and The Octo-Mom. Everyone had to start somewhere.  Hey, and look at the bright side.  At least you can only go up from here.

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ON THE LAMB by Gina Marie Rittale

GINA MARIE RITTALE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Gina Marie, I use my fingers for so many things like, my iPhone & laptop mouse etc. I think it’s rubbed off my fingertips. Do you think if I robbed a bank I’d get away with it...... I need the money.

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Gina Marie:  You know what? I always have wondered about that.  Actually, you may be on to something.  Why don’t we partner up.  Two heads are better than one.  I mean without fingertips robbing the bank is a win win situation.  Also, with me by your side we’ll never get convicted.  Something about being double jeopardized.  Been there, done it, and could have made millions.  If I had only thought about the Orange is the New Black concept myself from my own history in the clink.  

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CROP CIRCLES by Gina Marie Rittale

GINA MARIE RITTALE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Gina Marie, While in my back yard the other day I noticed that the wheels of my wheelchair made interesting circles. Very similar to those that look like crop circles. Do you think I could create a crop circle in my yard and charge admission to see it? I mean who would suspect a wheelchair bound person to fake a crop circle.

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Gina Marie,  Honey, this sounds like a fabulous idea!  I’ve been looking for a quick way to make some extra cash on the side since recently being let go from my part time job.  Why don’t we meet up and discuss a plan.  We can come up with some wonderful formations and even add a religious twist to it.  Those turbo Christians will be all over this.  I’m thinking we can recreate the images of The Holy Mother, The Last Supper, and also even throw in a likeness of Elvis Presley himself (you know how everyone is always looking for a new sighting). I’m so happy I came up with the idea!  We can make a fortune!!

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PARKING WARS by D.J. Paris

D.J. PARIS

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & DJ Paris, I got a parking ticket while driving a rental car. When I returned the car to the rental agent I gave her the ticket and told her that her car got a ticket. She got real mad and told me I’m an idiot and it was mine to pay. I just left it there and walked away. My question is, should I ever rent a car from them again if  they don’t pay their parking tickets?

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D.J. Paris, The real victim in this story is the dope at the return-car-area making $9 an hour who had to steam-clean your farts out of the cloth driver's seat. Also, the rental company will be nonplussed that you stuck them with a $200 fine for parking sideways in a handicapped space at Walgreens. For your own safety I would head to Alaska and start a new life working the traps on a fishing boat. You won't see your family ever again, but let's face it, they won't miss you.

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MR. MANNERS by D.J. Paris

D.J. PARIS

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & D.J. Paris, I recently took my in laws to an all you can eat buffet. My fiance got all bent out of shape when I pulled my chair up to the buffet and began eating out of the bowls. She said I wasacting ill mannered. Was I suppose to let my fiance’s parents go first?

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D.J. Paris, It's never ill mannered to go for what you want with passion. If peel-and-eat shrimp with poop veins is your thing, do not let anyone stand in front of your dream. And also, remember that your fiance's parents are the reason that she's crazy. Her inability to trust men has is because Daddy wasn't emotionally present when she was seven. And now you're supposed to reward their bad behavior by giving up pole position at the omelette bar? No-siree-bob.

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SWEET REVENGE by D.J. Paris

D.J. PARIS

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & DJ Paris, I don’t feel like going grocery shopping THEN coming home and cooking tonight. Do you think my husband will notice if I give him cat food? I’ll tell him it’s a new gourmet pate’.

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D.J. Paris, I think this is reasonable considering all the money he is spending on his mistress.

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DENTAL WORKS by D.J. Paris

D.J. PARIS

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & DJ Paris, I have always wanted to be a dentist, but I heard I’d have to go to college. My brother works for a mortician and he said he’d sneak me in at night to practice on the dead if I kept the lights off so as not to disturb folks. I’m afraid of the dark so what gives off more light a flashlight or my iphone?

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D.J. Paris, First of all, who has ever asked to see a dentist's medical degree? Nobody. So, don't worry about college. Second, how cool would it be to clean the teeth of a stabbing victim? ONLY THE COOLEST THING EVER. And think about this. The stabbed guy probably has a lot of gashes in his chest and gut, right? You want to draw attention away from the knife fight he was in earlier that day. His family is already devastated, but when they come to examine the body they won't help but be impressed about his new veneers.

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LAW SUIT by D.J. Paris

D.J. Paris

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & DJ Paris, The company I work for requires that I submit my travel expenses once a month. By accident I submitted the same one twice. They sent me an email saying it was already paid and, “STOP trying to rip them off”. Do you think that’s grounds for a lawsuit? I mean it sounds like a threat to me.

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D.J. Paris, Yes, yes, one thousand times yes! Anyone who ever challenges your character should be held to the full extent of a frivolous lawsuit. Here's what to do. Drive down around the poor area of your town (hint: head south) and look up. It's irrefutable that only the best attorneys advertise on billboards. If you can find one whose dress shirt is rolled up past his elbow exposing a chiseled forearm, that's your man. He'll fight for you. Hell, it's written right there on the billboard!

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