Saturday, September 19, 2015
Friday, September 18, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
McDonalds Food Recall by Pissi Myles
What does Pissi Myles, McDonalds Food Recall, & an Atomic Power Plant have in common??? Good question for which Pissi has an answer at.....
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
WALMART by Pissi Myles
Pissi Myles has some great information on how to GET and KEEP that WALMART job today on StupidAssQuestions.com
Sunday, August 16, 2015
CHRISTIAN VALUES by Gina Marie Rittale
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Gina Marie, I found $50 in my husband’s car and I think it belongs to him. I took it and spent it on lunch with my boyfriend. Was that considered stealing? I’m a Christian and I don’t want to do the wrong thing.
Size DOES matter so click pic to enlarge
Gina Marie: Hey honey, your business is your business. What’s the saying? What’s mine is yours, What’s yours is mine, and finders keepers and all that. Sometimes, a woman has urges and needs to act on them. Your's just involves many acts of sin. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with it. Live your life but some people may judge you and get the right idea about who you really are. As long as you can live with yourself that’s all that matters. And who knows what will happen when we reach the pearly gates. As long as you had a great time honey, does it really matter that you were a selfish, stealing, nymphomaniac?
Saturday, August 15, 2015
MASTER BASTER by Gina Marie Rittale
GINA MARIE RITTALE
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Gina Marie, I just read in a magazine while waiting in my gynecologist office about a woman who inseminated herself using a turkey baster & her gay friend’s sperm. I really want a child but can’t afford what the doctor would charge. My question is two fold. One, is gay sperm better than hetero sperm and two can I use the turkey baster after for our thanksgiving turkey?
Size DOES matter so click on pic to enlarge
Gina Marie: You know what? I used to be a nurse. Well, I went to school for it and was kicked out due to my squeamish nature with blood. But, why don’t I do the procedure myself? I’ll do it for a reasonable price. I even, have a primo doner, my son Joey who recently came out as a gay. With my desire to have grandkids someday and your desire to be a mother we can both reap the benefits of my son’s gay sperm. And who knows, maybe we’ll become like family and I’ll even invite you over for Thanksgiving dinner. But, honey I don’t think I’d be able to stomach basting the turkey this year.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
HOMELESS by Gina Marie Rittale
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Gina Marie, My car broke down last week and I can’t afford to buy a new one. I use it for everything most importantly, I live in it. I see benefits being held to help people in need. I’m in need so do you think I could hold a benefit that will benefit me? I could say it’s to raise money for the homeless. It’s kind of true.
Size DOES matter so click pic to enlarge
Gina Marie: Oh, you poor thing. I understand that now adays everyone and their mothers are looking to get a free hand out. But, honey that is not the way to go. And isn’t it a little tacky to beg for it? The American dream is about working hard and reaping the benefits of what you sow. Just look at Donald Trump, Bill Gates, and The Octo-Mom. Everyone had to start somewhere. Hey, and look at the bright side. At least you can only go up from here.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
ON THE LAMB by Gina Marie Rittale
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Gina Marie, I use my fingers for so many things like, my iPhone & laptop mouse etc. I think it’s rubbed off my fingertips. Do you think if I robbed a bank I’d get away with it...... I need the money.
Size DOES matter so click on pic to enlarge
Gina Marie: You know what? I always have wondered about that. Actually, you may be on to something. Why don’t we partner up. Two heads are better than one. I mean without fingertips robbing the bank is a win win situation. Also, with me by your side we’ll never get convicted. Something about being double jeopardized. Been there, done it, and could have made millions. If I had only thought about the Orange is the New Black concept myself from my own history in the clink.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
CROP CIRCLES by Gina Marie Rittale
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Gina Marie, While in my back yard the other day I noticed that the wheels of my wheelchair made interesting circles. Very similar to those that look like crop circles. Do you think I could create a crop circle in my yard and charge admission to see it? I mean who would suspect a wheelchair bound person to fake a crop circle.
Size DOES matter so click on pic to enlarge
Gina Marie, Honey, this sounds like a fabulous idea! I’ve been looking for a quick way to make some extra cash on the side since recently being let go from my part time job. Why don’t we meet up and discuss a plan. We can come up with some wonderful formations and even add a religious twist to it. Those turbo Christians will be all over this. I’m thinking we can recreate the images of The Holy Mother, The Last Supper, and also even throw in a likeness of Elvis Presley himself (you know how everyone is always looking for a new sighting). I’m so happy I came up with the idea! We can make a fortune!!
Saturday, August 8, 2015
PARKING WARS by D.J. Paris
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & DJ Paris, I got a parking ticket while driving a rental car. When I returned the car to the rental agent I gave her the ticket and told her that her car got a ticket. She got real mad and told me I’m an idiot and it was mine to pay. I just left it there and walked away. My question is, should I ever rent a car from them again if they don’t pay their parking tickets?
Size DOES matter so click pic to enlarge
D.J. Paris, The real victim in this story is the dope at the return-car-area making $9 an hour who had to steam-clean your farts out of the cloth driver's seat. Also, the rental company will be nonplussed that you stuck them with a $200 fine for parking sideways in a handicapped space at Walgreens. For your own safety I would head to Alaska and start a new life working the traps on a fishing boat. You won't see your family ever again, but let's face it, they won't miss you.
Friday, August 7, 2015
MR. MANNERS by D.J. Paris
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & D.J. Paris, I recently took my in laws to an all you can eat buffet. My fiance got all bent out of shape when I pulled my chair up to the buffet and began eating out of the bowls. She said I wasacting ill mannered. Was I suppose to let my fiance’s parents go first?
Size DOES matter so click pic to enlarge
D.J. Paris, It's never ill mannered to go for what you want with passion. If peel-and-eat shrimp with poop veins is your thing, do not let anyone stand in front of your dream. And also, remember that your fiance's parents are the reason that she's crazy. Her inability to trust men has is because Daddy wasn't emotionally present when she was seven. And now you're supposed to reward their bad behavior by giving up pole position at the omelette bar? No-siree-bob.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
SWEET REVENGE by D.J. Paris
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & DJ Paris, I don’t feel like going grocery shopping THEN coming home and cooking tonight. Do you think my husband will notice if I give him cat food? I’ll tell him it’s a new gourmet pate’.
Size DOES matter so click pic to enlarge
D.J. Paris, I think this is reasonable considering all the money he is spending on his mistress.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
DENTAL WORKS by D.J. Paris
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & DJ Paris, I have always wanted to be a dentist, but I heard I’d have to go to college. My brother works for a mortician and he said he’d sneak me in at night to practice on the dead if I kept the lights off so as not to disturb folks. I’m afraid of the dark so what gives off more light a flashlight or my iphone?
Size DOES matter so click pic to enlarge
D.J. Paris, First of all, who has ever asked to see a dentist's medical degree? Nobody. So, don't worry about college. Second, how cool would it be to clean the teeth of a stabbing victim? ONLY THE COOLEST THING EVER. And think about this. The stabbed guy probably has a lot of gashes in his chest and gut, right? You want to draw attention away from the knife fight he was in earlier that day. His family is already devastated, but when they come to examine the body they won't help but be impressed about his new veneers.
Monday, August 3, 2015
LAW SUIT by D.J. Paris
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & DJ Paris, The company I work for requires that I submit my travel expenses once a month. By accident I submitted the same one twice. They sent me an email saying it was already paid and, “STOP trying to rip them off”. Do you think that’s grounds for a lawsuit? I mean it sounds like a threat to me.
Size DOES matter so click on pic to enlarge
D.J. Paris, Yes, yes, one thousand times yes! Anyone who ever challenges your character should be held to the full extent of a frivolous lawsuit. Here's what to do. Drive down around the poor area of your town (hint: head south) and look up. It's irrefutable that only the best attorneys advertise on billboards. If you can find one whose dress shirt is rolled up past his elbow exposing a chiseled forearm, that's your man. He'll fight for you. Hell, it's written right there on the billboard!
Friday, January 23, 2015
Thursday, January 22, 2015
REST STOP by Caryn Ruby
Dear Stupid Ass Questions, Every time I exert myself in any way I wet myself so, I started wearing toddler pull-ups. I love them cuz if I don’t want to take the time to go to the bathroom I can just go in my toddlers. I do however experience a little problem. When I walk you can hear a whooshing sound which makes people stare. Any ideas?
Caryn: Great question. First of all, kudos to you for taking charge of your own life! Why should you be burdened by spending time to find a restroom when there's usually a huge line, no toilet paper, or worse, it won’t flush! Just do what our ancestors did, naturally, anywhere they pleased. They enjoyed the freedom now reserved only for horses and dogs. What a shame.
Anyway, here are a few ideas right off the top of my head:
1) wear noisy shoes, like wooden flip flops or tap shoes to cover the sound;
2) pretend your talking on your phone to someone who is losing their hearing. I SAID PRETEND YOU ARE TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO IS LOOOSINNNG THEIR HEARRINNNG!!!! and they’ll cover THEIR ears; or
3) get a water bra and tell everyone about it, you’ll distract them both visually and aurally.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
IT'S A COVER UP by Caryn Ruby
Dear Stupid Ass Questions, Why do they call them "man-hole covers", when really they're covers for holes in the street?
Caryn: True story. My grandfather, Norman Ruby, was walking on Maxwell Street in Chicago courting my grandmother when all of a sudden, he disappeared. Turns out, he had fallen into a hole in the street and my grandmother helped pull him out. Later, Norman went to court and demanded they cover those man-holes! He explained women would never be so stupid as to fall into a hole in the ground. The judge agreed and the rest is history.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
WORK IT OUT by Caryn Ruby
Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I’m a doctor but I’ve decided to go back to school to become a gym teacher. My family thinks I’m nuts but I love the comfy clothes I will get to wear all day AND I'll be able to eat all sorts of junk food while I watch students work out. Am I wrong?
Caryn: Screw your family, you've got the right idea! Sweats are WAY more laid back than scrubs, plus you can sleep in them and wear them again the next day. Besides, you ALMOST NEVER get to eat during surgery!
Nothing beats sitting on your ass and watching everyone else do the work for a change. Shorter hours, barking orders, talk about living the dream! Make those kids do whatever you want, and if they don’t listen, kick ‘em out (to the principal)! Think about the power you’ll finally have!
Another huge benefit I'll bet you didn't even think about - from now on, your job can’t force you to wash your hands anymore! BONUS!!
The only drawback I can see is the gigantic pay cut, but I wouldn't worry about it for too long, just let your family pick up the slack; it's their turn anyway.
Monday, January 19, 2015
FLUSH YOUR CARES AWAY by Caryn Ruby
Dear Stupid Ass Questions, Do you happen to know if they have an unusually large number of toilets per capita in Flushing, NY?
Caryn: The simple answer is yes. The more complicated answer is maybe? You see, before toilets everyone had outhouses, and Flushing, NY was named Outhouse, NY.
Henry Robert Flushing, who was born in Ithaka, NY and had extremely overactive bowels, moved with his family to Outhouse, NY after they suffered a devastating loss from the extreme winter of 1846. (Their dog had gone missing and Henry was so distraught, he had “accidents” all over their furniture and house, deeming it “uninhabitable”) Because of Henry's overly sensitive large intestine, he found he needed to relieve himself multiple times in succession but he did not enjoy his own....scent shall we say? So he devised a way to remove the contents from the bowl and essentially start anew. He named this new system "Flushing" after himself. Of course, once word spread and everyone enjoyed flushing, they threw a parade and re-named the town after him.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
ADOPTED OR SCIENTIFIC ANOMOLY? by Kevin Bartini
Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I think I'm adopted but my parents adamantly deny it. Is it possible for two whities to have a black child?
Kevin:
As-salamu alaykum!
You will be relieved to know that yes it is possible for two white people to give birth to a black child. While it is rare, it does happen. And it makes sense that it happens. Two blonde people can have a child with brown hair. To tall people can have a short baby. Two living people can give birth to a baby who isn’t even alive at all.
There is no rhyme or reason to genetics. If parents could control variables about their baby like color or gender the rivers in China would be a lot more fun to swim in. Every person is unique. No two people are alike. We are all like snowflakes. Sometimes two snowflakes can produce a darker snowflake. It is perfectly natural. I can tell you an annicdote from my own life.
My neighbors are a lovely couple let’s call them Mike and Patty. Mike and Patty are as white as an unblemished credit report. Mike and Patty met when they both became teachers at a local community college. Mike teaches drama, choreography, and costume design. Mike is a great guy. When he is not teaching he is active in the church and often stages his own interpretive dance productions at a local coffee shop. I like Mike. Patty is completely different then Mike. Boy is she. Where Mike is artistic Patty is athletic. Patty teaches African studies during the school day and is the boys basketball coach. Having Patty coach the boys basketball program has been great. Although there have been more then one occasion when the coach was mistaken for a cheerleader.
Patty is a very dedicated coach. She works her boys hard but she cares for them with every bit as much passion as she coaches them. Patty is ready and willing to roll up her sleeves and get messy when she needs to. The school doesn’t have a big budget for their athletes. So patty voluntarily gives many of her athletes private physical therapy and personal massages whenever she can. Mike, by the way is always willing to help rub down any athletes that Patty can’t get to. Mike and Patty seem to have very separate lives. As they say opposites do attract. Their marriage seems to be a happy one and just last year they welcomed their first child. When Mike Jr. was born people were all so surprised to see that he was blacker then the bottom of a coal mine at midnight. I wasn’t of course. I understand what a roll of the dice genetics can be.
Mike and Patty love that baby and are going to be great parents. So I can tell you from personal experience that I have seen two very lovely, very white people have a son born who is much darker then either of them.
So no you are not adopted. You are not a freak. You are a scientific anomaly. Just like a red head.
KB
Monday, January 12, 2015
SELF STARTER by Kevin Bartini
Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I got an email the other day about earning thousands of dollars by working from home? It sounds so great & I’d love to get back to work again after having not worked for a year. All I have to do to get started is send them a one-time fee of a thousand dollars & they’ll send me information on how to do it. My question is, should I send a check, use my credit card, or send a money order? I can’t understand why more people don’t do this.
Kevin:
Dear Motivated Self Starter,
Welcome back to the work force. We have missed you. In this economy getting and keeping a job is supremely difficult. Life in general is difficult. It is full of trials and tribulations. I don’t need to tell you that. I shudder just thinking of all the hard luck stories you must have witnessed by watching Maury Povich every afternoon. But you are obviously smarter then the average bear. While all the dummies out there were killing themselves by constantly writing out resumes and going on interviews you took a nap. Brilliant! You waited for a job to come to you. Some work harder, you my friend, work smarter. Well, you do work smarter if you work at all.
When it comes to not working at all, nothing beats working from home. I work from home. That is where I am right now. In the time since I sat down to answer your letter I have paused to make a cup of tea, play with my cats, surf the internet, playe with myself, take a nap and think about doing a load of laundry. Oh the freedom that comes with working from home.
Don’t let others judge you to harshly for working from home either. They are just jealous. Some of the most influential and powerful people throughout history have worked from home. The President and the Pope work from home, don’t they? I rest my case.
So tell me about this big money making, work from home opportunity. Will you be entering the exciting world of envelope stuffing? Will you get to answer countless surveys online? Is it a bit risqué? Is a webcam involved? You know what? Whatever it is it doesn’t matter. I am sure that it will be satisfying and will make you rich. Your question after all, was about payment method to start. When it comes to paying your $1000 to get started the only way to go is on a credit card. Don’t send a check, that takes too long. If you send a check it will take at least a week for the check to get there in the mail and then be cashed. You need to start making money today. So put it on the card. Then as the $1000 debt sits in your account accruing 29% interest you can pretend that those are union dues.
Thank you for you letter. You are a hero.
KB
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