TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF COFFEE GROUNDS by Tina Marie

TINA MARIE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I had some chocolate the other day and it upset my stomach. I think it might be the sugar. Instead of eating chocolate would it be better if I started eating cocoa powder instead? It's kind of bitter and dry but maybe I would get used to it... like the black coffee grounds I eat.

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Tina Marie: Do you eat any other ground up herbs? Just wondering! It might be a better idea to avoid any caffeine at this point in your life. It seems that you are so desperate for it that you will take it in any form, powder, IV, or needle. It’s not worth losing your common sense over it! Common sense would tell most people to NOT eat any form of food that will upset their stomachs. But I’m gathering that you lack that skill set. Have you ever had cocoa powder before? It tastes like last night regrets and a walk of shame home. It’s nasty, and you regret it the moment you taste it. I would stick to foods that don’t upset your stomach unless you like sleeping next to the toilet. Which I think you have ample experience in, am I right? 

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THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER by Tina Marie

TINA MARIE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why am I so beautiful? I've googled it, gone to Wikipedia. I've even almost asked Jeeves. I don't really trust him so I won't ask him again. Do you trust Jeeves? Like what would he know anyway. Isn't he just a butler?

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Tina Marie: Great Question. It could be because of genetics, and by that I mean a genetic disorder where you perceive yourself so beautiful and others disagree. I actually DID ask Jeeves because he is absolutely trustworthy just like any other man. He said you are so beautiful because you are so vain and you think this website is about you, don’t you? As for his butler services, I asked him about that as well and he said, “You are so beautiful” so I pretty much think he just says that to all the desperate ladies looking for attention online. Sign off, and Go for a walk in the park and ogle at your reflection in the lake.

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ADDICTED by Tina Marie

TINA MARIE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I played scrabble so much… I think I'm addicted. Is there a Betty Ford clinic for words with friends? Didn’t Alec Baldwin attend such a place? Can I go where he did?  Is he still there?

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Tina Marie: As a normal person who doesn’t know what the daily life of Alec Baldwin is like, because I don’t live on TMZ.com... not this week anyhow. I feel that Alec isn’t really concerned for your addictions so why should you care if he is still there. Unless this is a rouse to stalk him, which in that case, he’d probably like it. Take pictures and sell them to TMZ, tell them I sent you so I can get a 20% referral commission.

The only time games should be played in life is, if you can bet on them. Now if you really wanted to outsmart Alec Baldwin then start an underground betting ring for scrabble games. 

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I WORK LIKE A DOG by Tina Marie

TINA MARIE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband is constantly telling me that he works like a dog. He acts as if I should bow down to him or something. The last I checked all my dog ever does is sleep eat and lick himself. Should I start putting his food on the floor next to the dog’s dish and let him out to relieve him self from now on?

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Tina Marie: Sure, Why not! If he wants to compare himself to a dog, let him enjoy the comforts of being a dog. Put him in the Dog House.

Most men eventually end up in the Dog House, so why not just book him a room there until he realizes that he isn’t the only one in the relationship. I think the rates are fairly cheap and they don’t leave a mint on the pillow. If your husband thinks he’s works like a dog, then let him. You pretty much summed it up with “all my dog ever does is sleep, eat, and lick himself”, a fantasy most men have about their own lives. So if he wants to be a dog, let him. Put his clothes outside, serve his meals in two bowls, and remind him that dogs can’t have sex with their wives or drink beer. One of those two should motivate him to act like a man and quit his bitchin’. Now, get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!

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PIZZA, THE FOOD OF GODS by Tina Marie

TINA MARIE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: When dining on pizza , (my favorite), with family or friends, will they consider me a bigger pig if I take the last piece or let someone else have it and eat the empty box?

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Tina Marie: I guess it all depends on how much you weigh since we all know skinny people can’t be gluttonous. Personally, I never go for the last slice of anything. There is this old joke going around whomever takes the last piece is the old maid. I assume you are a woman since a man would just take the slice, chug a beer, and fart. As a woman, I feel it is my duty to warn you against taking the last slice for two reasons, pizza is a delicious treat that has way too many carbs and your lack of muffin top will thank you later. 

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PREPARATION H ell by Julie Kitayama

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard that Preparation H reduces swelling under my eyes. They say to apply some at bedtime. If I do this, will it work, or am I opening myself up for a position under the a-hole sign at work?

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JULIE: The active ingredient in Preparation H is phenylephrine HCL which reduces blood and fluid buildup.  So it will reduce puffiness under the eyes if the puffiness is related to fluid build up.  If you have fat bags under your eyes, you are out of luck.  

The only use of Prep-H that would give you a bad rap at work is when you use it to better define your abs.  It’s a long time trick of the bodybuilders and super models, the only people paid solely for their looks other than side show carnival folk.  Hmmm there might be something to that.

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DOG DAYS by Julie Kitayama

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Err… I know this could be a bit hard for those who cant count to 100...but If a human year is seven to a dog, how many years is a human to God's year if he can grow a tree in one day?

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JULIE: That is a good and tricky question especially since some cultures worship dogs including the Kalangas, Harranians and the Nosarii.  So that begs the question what is a day to a dog? It’s 3.42857143 hours.   

So how many human years are in God’s year?  None.  God is beyond days, years, month and seconds.  God is the keeper of time.  He hoards it in a bucket and distributes as he sees fit.   Ever have one of those days that’s gone faster than butterscotch candy in an old folks home? Or one of those days that seems to last forever like a bad Tom Cruise movie?  That’s god messing with you.  

So don’t waste the dog days of summer trying to figure it out.  Time flies, seize the day and go with god.

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BACON & WHIP CREAM by Julie Kitayama

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was sitting in traffic the other day... which is probably why I got run over.... I thought to myself in the ambulance, am I having an out of body experience?? It involved Whipped cream, bacon....and me wearing diapers. Is that normal??

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JULIE: There is nothing normal about the situation. You either smoke too much pot or you can’t tell the difference between literal and figurative expressions which might be the effect of smoking too much pot.  This affliction must be difficult to deal with. I hope no one has ever told you to go suck an egg, piss off or put your money where your mouth is.  Money is very dirty.  It’s unfortunate that the car didn’t hit you hard enough to put you out of your misery.  It would have been the right thing to do.  That aside, out of body experiences rarely include food since when you are out of your body you don’t need food. 

What probably happened is that you had the munchies after all the pot you smoked before you decided to go sit in traffic.  Since you were strapped to a gurney and couldn’t hit the 7Eleven like you usually do, you simply manifested a vision of your favorite foods.  Who doesn’t love whipped cream and bacon although not usually together.  As far as the diaper thing goes, that is probably a result of your wishing you hadn’t peed your pants when you saw the car coming at you.  

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STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES by Julie Kitayama

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Over the years I've had the names of all my girlfriends tattooed on my body and now that they've all left me, (they claimed I was stupid), should I have these tattoos removed and just get one big one that says,,,, "I'm with Stupid" ? If so, where would you suggest I have it placed?

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JULIE: That’s the thing about tattoos, they are permanent whereas most relationships are not.   Having tattoos removed is a lengthy and costly venture.  Have you considered only dating women whose name you already have tattooed?  Since the average cost of a small tattoo is $45 that would save you some time and money.  

You mentioned that women break up with you because they think you are stupid not that the women you date are stupid, so your idea to have “I’m with Stupid” tattooed on you exemplifies exactly how stupid you are.  That would be insulting to any future woman who will date you.  If you do find someone who will date you and would not be insulted by that tattoo, then by all means marry her.  You will not do better.  If you do get that “I’m with stupid” tattoo, have it done on your forehead and in reverse so you can read it every time you look in the mirror.

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BIRD OF PARADISE by Julie Kitayama

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My neighbor has bird feeders that are very close to my car so every time the birds feed at their feeders they poop on my car. I have asked them to move their feeders away from my car but they won’t. Do you think it's ok for me to throw all my cat’s litter box crap onto my neighbor's car? It seems only fair.

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JULIE: I agree with the “an eye for an eye” approach sometimes, but what you are proposing is not that.  Your neighbor is not throwing bird poop on your car like you want to throw cat poop on his.  To be fair, you’d have to train your cat to poop on his car.  Your other option would be to poop on it yourself, but I don’t think any of us want that to happen. 

There is something that you have not considered about the situation.  Some people believe that getting pooped on by a bird is a sign of good fortune.  By extension, having birds poop on your car might be a sign of good things to come.  Think about it, if you have a frequent flyer card with the local car wash, you will earn that free car wash pretty quickly now.  There is also a lesser chance that the birds will poop on you because by the time you get out there, they’ve pooped themselves out all over your car. It’s all perspective.  

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COOKING REDNAKED' STYLE WITH TOMMY by Tommy Heinsinger

Tommy Heinsinger

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I got a recipe that calls for MACE. Do you think the police department would sell me a can?

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TOMMY: Well Well Well.. I personally know that the local police will NOT sell you a can of MACE. However, here’s a way to get that MACE for your recipe! Here are a few things your gonna need, Trench coat, deep bowl,and running shoes! You wear the trench coat and running shoes, then you go to your local police dept. and begin to flash the cops until they come out to shoot mace at you. As they spray the mace you catch it in the bowl and BAM! You got your mace for the recipe and you can now enjoy whatever wacko creation that redneck cook book has you making!

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ALWAYS A BRIDESMAID by Tommy Heinsinger

Tommy Heinsinger

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m the maid of honor at my friends wedding. We get together to do wedding stuff quite a bit & lately she has gotten real mad at me because we always end up talking about how beautiful I am. I don’t see the problem do you? I mean facts are facts right?

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TOMMY: Listen hunny.. you’re ABSOLUTELEY right! You can’t help that you’re a beautiful person, its really hard for us beautiful people theses days because people want to just hate on us! Here is what Big Tommy thinks, you go to that wedding looking FABULOUS, don’t you worry about what she thinks because no matter what happens in the end your still beautiful!

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FIBER by Tommy Heinsinger

Tommy Heinsinger

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just ate a bunch of high fiber bean soup and about 32 oz. of coffee... Should I be worried?"  

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TOMMY: Well you wanna know if  YOU should be worried?? No, you may not have anything to worry about but the population around you may be a little concerned!! I for one really think that mixture is probably potent enough to use your colon for CROWD CONTROL in a riot! In closing.. if your gonna mix those products together often you may want to carry spare underwear and air freshener!

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TAXES by Tommy Heinsinger

Tommy Heinsinger

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