PROSTITUTION, A GOOD WAY TO PAY THE BILLS by Madison Malloy

MADISON MALLOY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have really bad credit and want to fix it. It just so happened that while I was surfing the internet for help on this I got an amazing offer in my email. It said, “We will fix your credit score for $500.00. I only make about $250.00 a week and it will be a bit tight. Do you think I should do this?

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Madison: If you are blone? This is clearly a scam. Limit your spending and start prostituting yourself in order to pay your bills on time. That will help to start rebuilding your credit. You could also marry someone with a great credit score.

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EMAIL SCAM by Madison Malloy

MADISON MALLOY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I received an email stating that there is a class action suit against my cell phone carrier. It further stated that to opt in I need to send a thousand dollars of which will be doubled once this is over. Should I send two thousand and say I have 2 cell phones so I get back more?

Madison: No, this has to be a scam. If you have endless money pay them two thousand dollars to stop asking stupid requests.

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CAT HOUSE by Madison Malloy

MADISON MALLOY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My brother was evicted from his apartment for having too many animals. So he and his 16 cats have crashed on my couch. He said as soon as he found a place that takes pets he will leave. Do you think it’s ok if I pack up and move before he wakes up from his nap? I’ll leave him a note.

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Madison: Sell some of the cats so he can help pay you rent. Too many pussy’s under one roof sounds like a Sorority house. 

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LOST AND FOUND by Madison Malloy

MADISON MALLOY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My dog needs to get his shots but, it’s so expensive. Should I call animal control and say I found him then call them and say I lost my dog once he gets his shots?

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Madison: Well if the vet is of the opposite sex, or same if that’s your preference you could sleep with them for free shots. You could also bring your dog out on the street with a sign that reads: “Help I need money to keep my dog alive”. People usually have a big heart for dogs so it might get you some money.

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OFFICE AFFAIR by Thomas J. Bellezza

THOMAS BELLEZZA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I suspect my husband is cheating on me with a coworker. Should I put on dark makeup and wear a wig and confront the woman? She's a blonde so I doubt she'd know it's me. 

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THOMAS: Yes, yes you should, in fact you should film this misadventure so

you'll have real evidence when confronting your husband on completion. On top of that, please email Stupid Ass Questions that particular video encounter so we too can enjoy, what will undoubtedly, be a horrible outcome of unintelligible actions. Yet as fickle as your husband's trust is, I would think your actions are just too awesome to pass up. I mean such an opportunity for your proposed adventure to be exploited is just something any one genius would not miss a chance at. When it comes to capitalization of your fateful proclamation, you can assured I am here to entertain Earth's masses. Some real advice, just leave the man, he already left you, and/or confront him. I would think she had nothing to do with it, unless you know the girl, then confront her wearing a clown costume, because that would look better on camera. Also one other thing... Just because you have dark hair doesn't mean you are covering up the fact that you might just be a blonde yourself. Nice feet by the way...

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SLIGHT OF HAND by Thomas J. Bellezza

THOMAS BELLEZZA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m a Dr., a surgeon to be exact. Recently, I read an article about a study done where you let the patient who needs surgery, believe that you operated on them but, you don’t. The study says that patients who didn’t undergo surgery got better just thinking that you operated on them. I thought, wow, great way to pocket some extra cash. Would it be unethical to do this? I got my eye on a huge house on the Galapagos Islands.

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THOMAS: I was thinking, while reading your question, that the Galapagos Islands would not be my first choice. I would have thought the Island of St. Helena in the South Atlantic. It's about a thousand miles off the African Coast, and Napoleon was exiled there until he died on the 5th of May, 1821. Why there you might be asking yourself, you genially ingenuous dolt of a man... Because Napoleon also thought there was nothing wrong with his actions. And that's our history lesson for the day. In other words, since your a doctor, a surgeon to be exact, I feel I should have to use layman's terminology with you. STOP BEING A DOCTOR... Peace out homies.

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GAMBLERS ANNONYMOUS by Thomas J. Bellezza

THOMAS BELLEZZA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is it wrong for me to dress up like a priest and go home to home asking for donations for my church when I really use the money for gambling? And, it will make people feel good about themselves

thinking they are doing a good deed. Kind of a win win if you know what I mean. 

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THOMAS: Is it wrong to dress up like a priest and go home to home asking for donations... No, it is not wrong. The wrong would come under you taking money, keeping the money for a short amount of time, then spending the money away on gambling. Though, I would think a win win situation would be more of you dressing like a priest going church to church and letting people know they have been bamboozled. Of course the best part is you get to use the word bamboozled, and really, how often do you get to use a word like bamboozled in a coherent sentence, nah, plausible situation? If it's any consultation, I like morons. Not only do they help cheer me up when I read about them, but I would lose a lot of comedic expression, so don't stop what you are doing.

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HAPPY TRAILS NURSING HOME by Thomas J. Bellezza

THOMAS BELLEZZA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I work at an old folks home. I don’t make much money so I was wondering if it’s wrong for me to eat the lunches that I'm supposed to serve to the patients? Half the time they are asleep and I don’t want to disturb them so, I feel like I'm really doing them a favor by letting them get their rest.

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THOMAS: It makes sense that your kindness is being mistaken for rude thievery, but be assured the act is still foolery. I wouldn't so much just take the food, I would leave just enough for them to get one little tiny

small almost inconsiderable bite left so when they do awake... You can

just tell them they ate most of it in their sleep. You allow them to sleep, you get to eat and you also didn't take all their lunchables for yourself. In other words, you need to stop taking these people's food while they sleep. Just steal their food while they are awake, they are old people and that just means they don't know what's going on anyways. Besides, wouldn't you like someone to come into your grandmother's home and take her food while she sleeps. What in God's name is she going to do with all that food, she's old and dying. I mean, it's not wrong, is it?

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IT'S IN THE WATER by Thomas J. Bellezza

THOMAS J BELLEZZA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I noticed that a lot of my friends are having babies. I've heard the saying "Somethings in the water". So my question is, is that tap water or bottled water? Since I’m not ready for children should I stop drinking water completely just to be sure?

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THOMAS: To be honest, yes, you should stop drinking water. Believe it or not this will not only help you, but will help us the population of planet Earth. How you ask... Well, if you stop drinking water you will most likely dehydrate and that will keep you from procreating, which in turn would ensure your line stops with you. And to answer your question, that's bottled water.

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GRAMMER POLICE by Lucy Horton

LUCY HORTON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just read in an email that says I can earn my doctorate degree on line. I've always wanted to be a doctor. Do I need a computer to get my degree or will my phone line work just as good?

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Lucy: Dear Grammar Fail, Before you set your sights on a doctorate, you need to return to grade school and master the English language. No, your phone line will not work “just as good,” but it may work “just as well” if it’s CONNECTED TO YOUR COMPUTER. Once you pass fourth grade, have your classmates hook you up with some Internet access. Don’t even worry about actually getting your degree, though. Just use your new Internet connection to open up a Facebook account under the name “Dr. [So-and-So]” and pretty soon it will catch on. It totally worked for Dr. Dre. He seems to be making out pretty well for himself, and I’m fairly certain he doesn’t have a degree in, well, anything. 

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JAIL BIRD by Lucy Horton

LUCY HORTON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m 80 years old and I love going to the park to feed the birds. On a recent outing to feed my feathered friends I was surrounded by a swat team and arrested. When I asked why I was being arrested they said, "Because you’re feeding the birds bread". Was I feeding them the wrong kind of bread? Are birds into artisan bread? I'm old and on a budget and eat cat food myself so I can't go overboard.

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Lucy: Dear Jail Bird, I’m no expert, but after a quick Google search, I learned that while delicious, bread is not an appropriate food for birds, much like McDonald’s French fries are not appropriate for children. So, unless you want Jamie Oliver’s crazy-ass, card-carrying PETA member cousin coming after you, I’d cease and desist with the bread. If there was a sign that clearly read something like, “Feeding the Birds is Punishable by Law,” then you’re gonna have to suck it up and do the time, old man. I’m curious about why you mentioned your age, by the way. Do you think you shouldn’t have been arrested because you’re old? Are you claiming some sort of hardship like when I mention my three toddlers and lack of income to get out of jury duty? Lady Justice doesn’t care how old you are. She just wants her pound of flesh. You won’t have to worry about running into Rudy Eugene in prison, though, so one pound of flesh is all that you’ll have to sacrifice. Just mind your P’s and Q’s on the inside. And stay away from the pigeons in the yard. I hear they carry itty bitty shivs. 

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HARRY POTTER & THE SECRET METH LAB, by Lucy Horton

LUCY HORTON

Dear Stupid Ass Question: Recently, the meth lab I was working for was shut down by the cops. Do you think I could just make it in the bathroom at Walmart? Have you ever seen the chamber of secrets, Harry Potter? And do you remember where they make that potion in the girl’s bathroom? Well... that was illegal AND they didn't get caught!

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Lucy: Dear Methus Makus, Hmmm. Sounds like you’ve gotten yourself into quite a pickle. I wouldn’t recommend setting up your lab at Walmart because I’m pretty sure actual people, not just moaning ghosts, live in there, and you’d likely get caught before you opened the first box of Sudafed. (Lost in Cyberspace  may even be in there having some private time with Edward Cullen.) I’d recommend an RV, Breaking Bad style. Those guys really have it down to a science. Desert parking would be ideal, but I don’t know where you live. Wherever you decide to squat, just make sure they’re not filming Parking Wars in the area that day. If you can get your hands on some Polyjuice Potion, I recommend doing so and morphing into O.J. before cooking up your first batch in case you do get caught. He seems to get away with everything. 

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LOST IN CYBERSPACE by Lucy Horton

LUCY HORTON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I'm having trouble with buying things online. Whenever I go to purchase an item it says, "Press Any Button To Continue". I can’t find the ANY BUTTON on my keyboard. Do you know which one it is?

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Lucy: Dear Lost in Cyberspace, I am so happy that you’ve come forward to ask this question because now I have finally met someone who knows less about computers and the interwebs than I do. (Or my mom, for that matter.)  My advice would be to give your PC a much needed nap and just head on over to Walmart. It sounds like you’d fit right in with the other folks over there, and that store has pretty much everything you could ever need. (Be sure to dress appropriately in your best fluorescent mesh top in case someone snaps your photo for the People of Walmart website.) Once there, I suggest purchasing a poster of Edward Cullen, some KY, and The Best of Kenny G. for a nice little afternoon at home without your computer.  Once you’ve realized the exhilarating potential of an hour at Walmart, I suspect you’ll be donating your computer and all of its buttons to Freecycle. You’re welcome. 

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THE CENT OF MONEY by Lucy Horton

LUCY HORTON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just watched the movie “Dumbo” for the first time and learned a very "valuable" lesson. I learned that if you package it right you can sell ANYTHING to ANYONE. So I was wondering... do you think I could bottle up a room freshener and call it Money in a Bottle? With all this Law of attraction stuff I thought I could make a killing. I mean look at Dumbo. He thought holding a feather could make him fly. But he couldn't really fly. Could he?

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LUCY: Dear Dumb(o) Ass , OK, first of all, I really hope you have kids, otherwise you shouldn’t be watching Dumbo. People might get the wrong idea. Or they might get the right idea, which is much, MUCH worse. In order for me to answer your question, I will need to know more about your product. Would it actually smell like money? I ask because money smells like an ass wiped with a piece of cardboard that Charlie Sheen snorted lines off of in his grandmother’s attic, and people don’t want to spray that crap in their houses. The law of attraction does not apply here, unless you’re trying to attract other people who also enjoy that scent. If that’s your intent, then may the force be with you. Does the nozzle actually shoot out money like a Silly String situation? If so, it seems that you might be defeating the purpose of selling a product to make money, no? I’m just sayin’ maybe you didn’t think this one through all the way. Feathers don’t make elephants fly, and the smell of money is horrendous. Bottle up some MILF and then we’ll talk.

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CLOWNING AROUND by Roz Browne

ROZ BROWNE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I saw a commercial on tv last week that depicted woman who use a mascara that give them super thick long eyelashes. So I bought it but my boyfriend said I looked like a clown. Can I sue for false advertisement cuz it never said anything about looking like a clown? 

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Roz: Just get rid of your dumb ass boyfriend! He’s an Asshole! He shouldn’t have told you that, even if you looked like a clown. Who says clowns don’t look good? I’ve had a few boyfriends that were clowns and they were hot especially with the big red noses.

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STRIP CLUB by Roz Browne

ROZ BROWNE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband’s car has been parked outside a strip club for the past 2 weeks. Do you think a friend borrowed his car?

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Roz: Omg,  sure his friend borrowed the car, made a clone of your husband and made your husband give him money for the strippers. All this time your husband has been at home baking cookies.  I’m sure when you go home, you’ll find him in the kitchen and while your there put your head in the oven.  By the way, I have prime rental land on mars. Wanna buy some?

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WEDDING BELL BLUES by Roz Browne

ROZ BROWNE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am invited to my best friends, best friend’s wedding. Never having been there I want to leave plenty of time in case I get lost. Do you think they would mind if I show up the day before and spend the night. That way I’ll be on time. I could offer to make breakfast for the wedding party.

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Roz: I don’t know why they invited you in the first place. Weddings cost a lot of money and I wouldn’t invited you.  Cause you seem like a complete idiot with no socialization skills. But since you were invited, I think you should skip the wedding and just go to the reception. Let’s face it.. all you  really care about is eating the food at the reception.

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TOASTY WARM by Roz Browne

ROZ BROWNE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My feet are cold so I was thinking of putting my feet on a toaster. Should I kill two birds with one stone and make toast at the same time? Or would it taste like feet?

Roz: Okay!  are you out in the streets? Cause you really are stupid!  Just kill yourself and be done with it.  Even a cat knows not to go near hot objects. You know toasters are hot, right?? 

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THE CAT WHISPERER by Roz Browne

ROZ BROWNE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have been out of work for a year now and my unemployment ran out. I’ve enjoyed not working so, do you think I could become a cat whisperer? My neighbors have like 15 and I could practice on them. If I get it wrong who would know, cats can’t talk, can they?

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Roz: Even though this was submitted as a stupid ass question, it really aint that stupid!  Cause people now a days will go for anything. And they have dog whisperers so why not a cat whisperer. If you’re fortunate you will find some stupid ASS  person to pay you to talk to their dumb cat.  Go for it! And yes, practice on your neighbors cats just don’t go in the house cause I’m sure it stinks in there!!

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TIME HONORED SWIRLY by Marv Ellis

MARV ELLIS

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Sometimes I just don't feel like taking a shower but my hair needs a good washing. I am big on conserving water... could I just shampoo it in my water saving toilet?  I figure 2 flushes would rinse it good and my toilet uses under a gallon a flush... much better than an entire shower and its just water so....

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MARV: Wait-- are you telling me that you want to give yourself a time honored, bully  preferred "Swirly"!? With all the out of work bullies in America today!? HECK NO!!! Thanks to those bleeding heart liberals banning this treasured American tradition, there are bullies all over the country that are out of sorts, and very sad, that they cannot practice their craft anymore. This is where you come to the rescue! Just go down to your local biker-bar, walk in the door and say "I got too used to getting bullied in high school, and lately I've been missing it! Would someone in here be willing to give me a swirly!?" Then, and this is where it gets good, you pull a Huck Finn or Tow Sawyer-- whoever was the rat bastard that got kids to pay him money to paint a fence, and tell them they have to pay you $50 to do it! You can be a bully release, make some cash, and have the cleanest, shiniest hair on the planet! Just be sure and provide clothes pins or some other form of nostril clogs to the bullies on the days you don't feel like showering, as it's the nice thing to do. :)

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