Credit Cat Fraud by Rose A Valenta

RoseValenta.com

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was at work yesterday and tried to put my credit card into the floppy drive and pulled it out very quickly.... I was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so I was using the ATM "thingy."  Why wouldn't they accept my payment?

ROSE: You should have scanned it with the little red light on the bottom of your mouse. My cat figured that one out a few weeks ago and racked up my credit card by about $300.00 at PetCo on salmon flavored Temptations and catnip toys. She also signed up for a dating service, ePuddy.com. I never even knew there was a feline dating service, till I started getting poked by someone named “South Paw” on Facebook. He left his stalking paw prints all over my Twitter account too.

New Reality Show by Rose A Valenta

RoseValenta.com

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband is bringing home some very important executives for dinner. He has asked me to entertain them. Would you know where I could get a bunch of llamas for them to ride? Also, should I put on a belly dancers outfit? I think they are from the desert somewhere or other like that. Or should I just install a pole in the dining room?

ROSE: Most executives from the desert are easily entertained with Mercedes, BMW, and Lexus demolition derbies. You need to get about five of your best mud-wrestler type friends to don helmets, grease up, roll around in some sand, and do bumper cars out on the front lawn. This is how they break in new cars in the desert. It’s a local reality sport called “Real Habibtis of the Sahara.”

What Are Friends For? by Rose A. Valenta

RoseValenta.com

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a friend who is always exercising (biking, running, lifting weights).  She's in great shape, but I think she overdoes it and is far too thin.  I'm thinking of injecting large amounts of fructose corn syrup into all of her foods, drinking water and toothpaste to help her gain some of that weight back.  Is that wrong?

ROSE: It would probably be easier just to get her a man. She will eat every one of the fattening foods as soon as she gets frustrated with his incessant belching, tooting, and use of the TV remote control. I predict that in less than a week, she will be throwing back shots of corn syrup. Not to mention, keeping a large plastic spoon taped to the can of whipping cream in the frig.

Ants by Bob Kitson

Bob Kitson

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Dear SAQ: I have ants ALL over my home. I just don’t understand it. My landlord told me it’s because I punched a hole in the wall next to my bed to store my candy. I don’t think this is possible. I punched the hole halfway up the wall. Can ants crawl that high?

BOB: Yes sorry to say man but ants can crawl that high they can even crawl upside down. I suggest lining your stash with Boric Acid. Ants can’t stand Boric acid. But, make sure not to eat any of it or you will realize why the ants don’t like it.

Office Whistle Blower by Bob Kitson

Bob Kitson

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just got a new job and my boss keeps saying how I productive I am. I feel like maybe I should have started off slower so she wouldn’t expect so much. There is a new position opening up at a different place. Should I apply for that job & when I get it not try so hard so that any little thing I do there they’ll think I’m great? 

BOB: I find that working hard is always a quick way to get screwed over at work. First off the slouches that were already there get all testy and start talking crap. The boss always finds a way to suck you into doing way more work than you are getting paid to do. So this is my advice….. When you get a new job make friends with the click that is in good with the boss. Once you are in collect evidence on how bad they are as employees and how they still keep their jobs. Then go above the boss and present how screwed up things are and let them know that if you were in charge things would be ship shape.  Then enjoy your new cushy position as boss.

Is it Mail Delivery OR MALE Delivery? by Gisele Noel

GiseleNoel.com

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: The mailman is always so nice to me. I think he’s interested. Do you think it would be ok to answer the door in the nude to find out for sure?

Gisele: Dear Christina Aguilara,

I'm sure the mailman is interested since you're "not yourself tonight." But if having to cancel you tour due to poor ticket sales can teach you anything, it's that playing hard to get might suit you better.  I suggest you put your genie back in the bottle and keep your pants on for a while.

Dugers vs Amish? by Gisele Noel

GiseleNoel.com

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: The other day as I left the grocery store I noticed an amish taxi wagon with a yellow triangle on the back. I had lots of groceries so I decided to hitch a ride. When the guy turned around I said 26 Elm Street please. He said, “this aint no taxi cab.”, but took me home anyway. When I got home I gave him a chicken. He seemed unhappy. Did I under pay him? Should I have given him a dozen eggs as well? He only took me 4 blocks.

Gisele: Dear Jim Bob Duggar, I know you're stretched thin, but a chicken is hardly enough compensation to haul 20+ people even just 4 blocks.  Next time I suggest you at least offer the nice Amish man a kid or two so he can have free child labor for his farm too.  Just watch your back because I heard the Amish were looking to score a quilt making show on TLC next season. 

Do I Have Hair-dismorphia? by Robert Selander

RobertSelander.com

Shoes or Rent? by Robert Selander

RobertSelander.com

License Plate Theft & Medicinal MaryJane by Robert Selander

RobertSelander.com

Sex Life of Plants by Bill Chambers

billchambersblog.blogspot.com 

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  If pollen is part of a plants reproductive sex life, Then does that mean that when we suffer from hay fever, We sneeze out plant spunk. XD

BILL: Unfortunately, the “spunk,” as you so eloquently describe it, is Plant Syphilis, or “PS” as it’s commonly referred to in the botany community. PS is spread mainly through physical contact, often as the result of promiscuous, unprotected sexual activity with plant life. Luckily, if detected early, PS is treatable, most often with a serious of extremely painful hypodermic injections into the abdomen area. There’s also an experimental treatment using over-the-counter antihistamines, but I would recommend visiting the Emergency Room of your local hospital at the first sign of any symptoms. I would also recommend finding a way to curb your bizarre sexual perversions... maybe try a support group or something.

Does Jesus Make House Calls by Tym Moss

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I have a computer that I need for work. It just broke down & I don't feel like having it repaired. If I pray to baby Jesus would he fix it so I can go back to making porn?

TYM:  Are you serious? Baby Jesus gets so many requests daily like "Help me through this life changing drama", "Please don't let me die", or "Please take this cancer away". Making a house call to do computer repair so you can get back to your "filmmaking" is probably not a major priority of His.... Take it to computer tech...

Dating Rule #1 by Sharon Simon

jewishtrash.com

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  A hot guy invited me out on a date, and we had a great time together. Such a good time that on our fourth date I took him back to my place. Feeling that things were going well I made my advance at which time he said, “I’m trying to get over my last break-up and not ready to start a new relationship. Do you think he didn’t like my apartment?

SHARON: My apartment is filled with written affirmations. I love myself. I’m good enough. If a man sleeps with me he must marry me or he will die a horrible death. He currently resides at Parkside Cemetery.

In-laws by Jacqueline Oltmans Fisher

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I will cut to the chase. I hate my in-laws because they are so weird. I am going to have a baby any day now and I don’t want them over to visit once the baby is born. But, I do want the gifts and money they will bring. Should I accept their gifts then call and say we are moving?


Jacqueline: In-laws can be a touchy subject.  Either you like them or you hate them.  If you do not want your in-laws to come visit you and your new baby, any of these excuses will due: I got the shits, my shrink upped my meds, my ass hurts, I got a bad rash, I have bad gass, I got the swine flu, I am having my period, I am getting my Vajaja waxed, pierced, and bedaziled, my parole officer is coming by, green stuff is oozing out of my nose and ears, I am having an AA meeting at my house, My sponsor is coming to visit. These excuses will let your in-laws know you got a few screws loose, and is a great way to ensure that they will not want to come by and visit. Regarding the gifts and money, you do want from your in-laws, and do not want the strings attached.  I suggest saying anyone of the excuses I gave you, and just grab the goods and money slam the door in their face.

Should I Just Take a Whores Bath?

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  As you know times are tough so I'm trying to save money.  Do you think I could cut my showers down to once a week? I could just pick up deodorant when it's on sale? A stick goes a long way if you use it sparingly. Or should I just take a whores bath?

There are many ways to save money-- but cutting down on water usage(which is only 2 cents a gallon) should be put on the back burner. Items like food, clothing, housing and transportation area the areas where most people "over spend". The average person throws away $500 worth of food per year. Find a decent sized apartment complex and you could eat for free just by dumpster diving! Good Will has some great deals on clothing in their store-- but even better deals in the collection center where you can nab items for free! Just be sure and black out the security camera with spray paint and you're good to go! And forget about this whole "Buy a house or rent an apartment" crap-- rent storage unit for $40-$50 a month and crash there! It's comfy and quiet and with the proper usage of mouse traps, can stay quite clean. As for transportation, I got so sick of the high price of gas that I just push my car every where I go! I do start it up once a week for a couple minutes just to make sure everything is still running smooth and have calculated that I now get 42,618 miles per gallon!

I hope my tips will help you, and everyone else reading this drivle, save some serious coin-- and that we all someday figger out WTF a "Whore's bath" is exactly. Guess I'll head to the bar next door and see If I can't pick one up for some "Field research".

Should I Wash with the Clorox?

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:

I recently stayed at my friends house for the weekend. She told me that everything was in the bathroom for me to take a shower before I went to bed. When I got in the shower there was a bottle of Clorox in the soap dish instead of soap. Was she trying to tell me something and if so what do you think it was?

MARV: I believe she was telling you that you are a dirty, filthy, diseased, stupid ass human being and wanted you to scrub that shower down after using it with all your might so that she didn't catch what ever social miscue you've picked up over your years of camping out at other people's houses. However, being a dirty, filthy, diseased, stupid ass human being myself, I can see that she left out another important disinfectant that my friends always leave for me in the shower besides bleach-- AMMONIA!! They all INSIST that I mix up a big ole bucket of it, close the bathroom door tight (one of my friends wanted me to duct tape the cracks around it for some reason?) and scour that shower clean! It makes me a little woozy, but boy does it do the trick!

DISCLAIMER!!! Do not EVER mix bleach and ammonia!!! It will create a cyanide type gas that will kill you and was merely stated for comedic purposes-- unless you are a stupid ass of course, then by all means, get out of the gene pool immediately!

Hoverround my Hovercraft by Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Today I got an email for a hoverround. I don’t need one but they were at a really good price.  Do you think it might be a good idea to buy one to keep around for when I'm lazy? It would be good to use when I go shopping. I hate walking so far, don’t you?

MARV: Just because something is "at a good price" doesn't mean you should buy it! I used to be a cheap bastard myself and have learned that, in the end, you really DO "get what you paid for"! Here are some notable purchases I have made in my life because it was "at a good price":   A used chainsaw collection: Not one woman has made it 2 steps into my living room where I display them before running, screaming into the night.   A Dr Kevorkian death machine: Mom hasn't spoken one word to me since THAT birthday present! Condoms: Turns out they were "at a good price" because they had pin holes in them. I now have to work 6 jobs and be a guest comedian on Stupidassquestions.com to keep up with the child support! (Come to think of it, SAQ still hasn't paid me-- hmmmm).   A used computer: Spent 5 years in a federal prison due to some inappropriate pictures. That Warren Jeffs guy I bought it off didn't seem the type-- in fact he looked like he would SCARE off young girls-- and household pets to be honest-- Lesson learned! 

But anyhow, back to your hoverround. You're on the right track, but I think you should do as I did and lay out the cash and get a hoverCRAFT!! I love mine! I use it to transport me everywhere I go-- to work, to the store, even to the bathroom! Of course, my boss won't let me park it in the lot after I landed it on his Mercedes once, I tend to pay more for stuff at the store that I break than what I buy and use, and my bathroom is a disaster cuz it's tough to aim from 7 feet in the air, but I wouldn't trade it for the world! And neither will you my friend!

Breakfast of Champions by Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I'm on a diet but am having trouble losing weight. It's a no carb diet so I've been having a pound of bacon and a slim fast bar for breakfast each morning. Do you think it's the slim fast bar? I noticed it has 2 grams of carbs in it from sugar.

MARV:

Boy, that sounds like a winning combination for weight loss to me-- so I called my friend Dick Johnson at the American Anti-Fat Ass Institute to see what was going wrong. He informed me that this is the most common misconception of American fat ass dieters, that "No Carbs" means "No Carbohydrates". It actually means "No Carbons". Seeing as carbons are in everything organic-- you're not supposed to be eating anything on those types of diets, EVER!! Not at ALL!!! You get air, and water, that's IT! Oh, and those little pink bunnys they sell around Easter-- no one has been able to indentify what the hell those things are made of so we can't cross them off the list yet he informed me.

Amish Mafia by Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Recently I went to a farmers market and while there I noticed the Amish were making a ton of cash. Do you think I could glue on a beard and sell potatoes from our local supermarket and say I grew them? They are buy one get one. Oh and do you think they’ll notice I’m a girl?

MARV:

That's a good question, as it stumped even me! So I smoke signalled my Amish friend Billy Joe Jedidiah Jacob and here's what he told me-- He said you better watch your toes on this one! The farmers market is a just a front for the Amish mafia, The Cornholios! They've been known to break arms, legs, skulls and anything else they can get their pitchforks on to protect their territory! They have even been rumored to have branched out and cut break lines in people's cars-- though I'm not sure exactly how they figgered out how to do that. They must have looked it up on the internet. You may have an edge though, as The Cornholios seem to be concentrating on the tomato / cucumber / pie money laundering market-- and have yet to venture into potatoes.So yes, go buy one and get one in the potato market and give it a go at the farmers market! Glue a beard on, hope they don't notice you're a woman because if they do-- you'll be forced into hard labor for being a woman that makes money-- like churning butter for 16 hours a day!

Marv Ellis ...on StupidAssQuestions.com

Hailing from the greatly dying state of Michigan, Marv Ellis has tantalized audiences into a deep state of sleep for 3 years now. 

His sense of humor has been described as insane, whacky, intelligent, stupid, weird, racy, and death defying! And that was just from his mother!

In June of 2009, Marv relocated to the greater St Louis area after discovering that he really didn't have anything better to do. Apparently his company felt that way as well and immediately put him on a 6 day, 70-80 hour work weeks. As such, Marv's stage time has been greatly limited. Realizing his need to make people laugh we invite him back for a 3rd time here on Stupidassquestions.com! Our fans find Marv’s advice not only enhances their lives but gives them a reason for living.

Pigs in a Blanket by Kevin Bartini

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was at a wedding recently and a man came up to me and said, “When you dance it looks like two pigs wrestling underneath a blanket”. Should I be flattered?

KEVIN: Dear Pig in a Blanket, Of course you should be flattered.  Two pigs wrestling underneath a blanket is among the highest forms of art in some cultures.  That’s a fact I learned from watching Sarah Palin’s Alaska. These day’s the rest of the world looks down on the “art form” with as much contempt as a velvet painting of Elvis.  But two pigs wrestling under a blanket, like the velvet Elvis remains very popular with inbred yokels. Back in the days of traveling minstrels, two pigs wrestling underneath a blanket was known as the money shot.  That’s the act that got Maw and Paw to put down their wittlin’ sticks for the evening and drop a sawbuck on a gander at this ballet of the swine. In days before the internet or even dial up, our forefathers watched two pigs wrestle under a blanket to get horny.   They were able to imagine that the two forms amorously rutting underneath a nice quilt was none other then the enchanting milk wench from the local dairy and the most famous woman in America, Mrs. Grover Cleveland.    I’ve seen pictures of the first lady and I’m guessing that that milk wench must have been super hot. Anyway now that you know that you have been complimented it is only proper that you compliment your suitor in kind.  Tell him that he is sexier then three goats showering behind a curtain of gingham. 

Ebay or Amazon? by Kevin Bartini

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband died and only got to enjoy his new dentures a month. Do you think I could sell them on Ebay or is Amazon 
better?

KEVIN: I am sorry for your loss.  I hope you’ve found comfort that your husband lived his last month of life enjoying his brand new dentures.   I pity the man who goes to his grave with last seasons dentures. Now that a respectable amount of time has passed it’s down to business.  I’m guessing that the dearly departed left you set up on the lousy side financially.   Otherwise why would you bother trying to sell his teeth?  This means it’s total liquidation sale time.  Stop payment on the head stone.   Let’s get to work on a plan for a complete vulture sale. When it comes to selling off used dentures unfortunately Ebay and Amazon are total dicks.  They say that it is “a matter of public health”.  Besides, no two people have the same mouth so the dentures won’t fit. But that doesn’t mean that we have come to a dead end.  There are other avenues available.  Memorabilia collectors.  If there is any chance that your husband was famous his dentures may fetch a pretty penny.  You wouldn’t believe what collectors go for.  Right now there is a bidding war going on for Amy Wineouse’s breast implants.   I also know a guy bought the cufflinks Michael Landon was buried with. Even if your late husband isn’t famous there is still a way to turn those pearly whites into good old greenback.  You can sell them to sexual deviants. Forget Ebay and Amazon.  It’s time to head over to Craigslist. Craigslist is full of all kinds of depraved perverts.   Sure some of them claim they are trying to sell a futon.  But you now what the are really looking for.  It makes me sick. If you can’t even sell the dentures to the perverts then there is one last ditch effort that is guaranteed to work.  You are going to want to grind the dentures up into a fine white powder and sell them off on the corner disguised as cocaine.   I would, if I were you sell it at a grade school.  Kids that age don’t know what good coke is yet anyway. 

 Yours in Christ,

KB

Used Tombstone for Sale by Kevin Bartini

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I found a used tombstone for sale with the name of Homer Hendlebergenheinzel chizzled on it. Do you think I should have my name changed? I mean cuz once I’m dead who cares.

KEVIN: It’s hard to answer your question, as you did not give me your current name.  How am I to know whether Homer Hendlebergenheinzel is a step up or down from the name you have now? If you have a first name like Anfernee, Jeri or Dewayne then it would be nice to finally have a name that is spelled correctly. On the other hand if you have a cool sounding name like Dick Swingswell you don’t want to give that up for anything. You may want to make a change if you have a last name that can easily be made fun of and ridiculed. That’s the advice I actually gave to my friends Jim Redanus and Bobby Flagina. You also may want to make the change if you share a last name with someone who has brought shame to the world.   Like if your last name was Mussolini, Dahmer or Palin. But maybe changing your name would help improve your current situation.  Maybe you’re a deadbeat dad, or maybe you have a hundred unpaid parking tickets.   Maybe whomever Homer Hendlebergenheinzel was has some unclaimed money somewhere.  Or maybe his widow is really hot. It was William Shakespeare who said “What’s in a name?  That which we call a rose by any other name wouldn’t smell as sweet.”  That’s easy for him to say.  His name was William Shakespeare not Lenny Nipplesniffer.

The Delicate Digestive Tract of the Giraffe by Kevin Bartini

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Just how long does it take for 

a giraffe to throw up?

KEVIN: If the giraffe is a female adolescent she will throw up by the time dessert is served. If the giraffe is drinking he will throw up while insisting that he is not drunk. If the giraffe is pregnant she will throw up as quickly as she smells peanut butter. If you are looking to make any giraffe throw up immediately turn on any show with Kardashian in the title.  It takes a giraffe three minutes to throw up if you gag him, but only ten seconds to throw up if you punch him real hard in the balls. 

…Or so I m going to post on Wikipedia.

The Cable Guy by Kevin Bartini

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: A guy knocked on my door and said he was there to put in cable tv. After I let him in he said, “Hey dude, I’ll install it all for free if you give me $100.00”. So I did. He said he’d be right back as he had to go get all his equipment. That was a few days ago. Do you think he forgot where he parked?

Dear Cable Guy (Not Larry) If you live anywhere like my neighborhood his truck was no doubt towed.  In the time it took him to walk to your door and talk to you they, I am sure ticketed his car, loaded it onto a flatbed, hauled it to a lot seventeen sketchy blocks from the nearest subway stop and keyed his doors for good measure. I am sure that he is at the impound lot right now.  The $100 cash he had on him would have been nowhere near the cost to get the his cable truck off of the rig.  Never mind enough to cover the storage fees, the parking fees, the screw you because I said so fees and the taxes.  In order to cover the costs he would no doubt have had to surrender his person over to the impound lot and  then be sold into white slavery.   No doubt he has been a high commodity as he will have been fresh to the sexual slave meat market. When not servicing sordid needs of every truck driver, car dealer and Republican Congressman in a hundred mile radius.  He will be rented out to kids parties in a Buzz Lightyear costume. Unfortunately for you, an innocent victim you are in for a bit more inconvenience.  You see each day that he is turning tricks then moonlighting at the impound lots customer service desk his truck is sitting there accruing more fees.  It won’t be until once used and spent that he will finally be turned over to a back alley abortionist who will remove and broker the sale of his kidney s to cover the last of the fees.  Bandaged and given a rag doused in ether he will then be free to return to your apartment and hook you up. We can only hope that he will get back to installing your cable before heading home to reconnect with his wife and her “it’s time to movie on” new husband.  Hang in there friend.  I feel for you.  I know the hell that is not having TV to watch.

KEVIN BARTINI... on StupidAssQuestions.com

is a stand-up comedian and writer.  He is currently working for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  Kevin is also the creator and host of  The Movie Preview Review Podcast on which he reviews new movies based on nothing but their previews. 

Kevin was named “Top Club Comic in New York City” by The Las Vegas Comedy Festival.

Kevin can be found at KevinBartini.com or on Twitter at @KevinBartini.