WHEEEEEEEEEE! by Diane Kelly

Diane Kelly

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My grandmother falls a lot and because of such falls has broken just about every bone in her body. Anyway, to get to her car she goes out her back door even though there is a safer way to get to the garage. In the winter the back door way is covered with ice and snow drifts 5 feet high (she’s pretty good at climbing). We are starting to worry that one day we will find a human granny pop. Should we nail the back door shut or just leave a shovel out there and let her dig herself out?

Diane: Neither.  Everyone will be happy if you take this simple suggestion.  Get some of those big plastic tubes that they use for the children’s play areas and build Granny a colorful plastic all-weather route from her back door to the garage.  Since she’s broken so many bones, I assume she’s shrunken and stoop shouldered and will have no trouble walking through the tubes.  If gerbils and hamsters can get the hang of it, so can she.  Snow and ice will be no problem, and you won’t have to worry about the granny pop!  Maybe even add  a slide to make things more fun!

StupidAssQuestions.com

AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES ACT by Diane Kelly

Diane Kelly

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I heard on TV that woman who are pregnant are now covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act. Would it be dumb if I get pregnant so I too can get special treatment and premo parking?

Diane: It would be dumb not to!  Of course the downside to going this route is that you may be forced to pee on a stick to prove eligibility and you’ll only get nine months of benefits.  Once that baby is born, you’ll be back to parking at the end of the earth and trudging through pot-holed parking lots.  Of course breastfeeding that new baby can lead to saggy breasts, and if your boobs sag low enough that you trip over them you could re-qualify as disabled.    

Another option would be to have someone take a sledgehammer to your feet and “hobble” you like Kathy Bates did to James Caan in the movie “Misery.” What are a few months of excruciating pain compared to a lifetime of prime parking spots?  If you don’t own a sledgehammer, another option would be to have someone chop off some of your toes with an axe.  That’s what Clyde Barrow of Bonnie & Clyde did to get out of hard work detail at a Texas prison. These proven techniques can work for you, too!

StupidAssQuestions.com

IN THE DARK by Joel Richardson

Joel Richardson

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have always wanted to be a dentist, but, lack the funds. My brother works for a mortician and said I could practice on the corpses’ at night. He said he would sneak me in but I would have to keep the lights off so as not to disturb folks. I’m a little leary of his offer because I am afraid of the dark. Do you think I would get better lighting with a flashlight or a lantern?

Click on picture to enlarge

Joel: I think you should find other ways to pursue your dreams. If you were in a horse race, you'd be the long shot. Working in the dark is the least of your problems. Your brother is a kind person, but sounds like you both lack intelligence. If a flashlight or lantern is your question at hand, shouldn't you be thinking twice about dentist school?  Just saying.....

StupidAssQuestions.com

MILK, IT DOES A BODY GOOD by Joel Richardson

Joel Richardson

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I had my first date the other night and before I left my father says, "Don't give away the milk or he won't buy the cow". Was I suppose to bring milk and charge him for it?

Click on picture to enlarge

Joel: Your father is a gem. He was questioning the morals of his little princess. I'm pretty sure if your father knows you, he shouldn't have to remind you. Unless your father has a good sense of humor? Sounds like he might have heard been the rumors floating around town about you. Never charge for milk, you'll get arrested and have bigger problems on your hands....

StupidAssQuestions.com

ART HURTS by Joel Richardson

Joel Richardson

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I need your advice. So I invite a few old friends from back in the day over. They were part of my Tribe when I was way young. I offer them a painting each, of mine, and begin to sign the back for them, but none of them want to take their piece home with them this night. Should I be insulted? Should I take offense and not offer them the paintings? Am I like an art delivery service that should bring it to them? Two of them don't even live in NYC? What is up? Signed, Plucked in NYC

Click on picture to enlarge

Joel: YES! Your friends are insulting you. But many of your friends are a bunch of followers and if one person said they weren't taking it home, they all followed suit. It's even worse that you signed the back. Dig the knife a little bit further into your back. That hurts. Good thing they are friends from back in the day, do you have new friends yet?

StupidAssQuestions.com

LOST AND FOUND by Joel Richardson

Joel Richardson

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I bought a pair of pants recently and when I was taking off the tags I discovered that they have a hidden pocket. Do you know how to find it?  

Click on picture to enlarge

Joel: If finding a hidden pocket on your pants has excited you, you're WAY ahead of the game in life. You are a simple person that should be very happen for years to come. And looks like you have a new favorite pair of pants. Congrats.

StupidAssQuestions.com

CAN'T SEE THE FORREST FOR THE TREES.

Click picture to enlarge