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Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
REPLACED WORKER by Mary Tischbein
Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I’m wondering if you have any work for me? I am a recently unemployed electrical/maintenance worker, and my last job was in a huge stadium during a big sports event. What do you think my chances are for gainful employment?
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MARY: First of all, we all know the entertainment portion of the event that went on at the halfway point was obviously the cause of the hiccup in the power outage. You can't have that much jelly rolling around and not expect some static to get kicked up. Blamazoid! But we understand if you were the scapegoat, as sucky as that is. Blame the guy with the utility belt, as my father used to say. He also used to say, stop picking at your scab, it will never heal! But that doesn't seem as relevant to this question. As far as the powers that be at stupidassquestions.com having any work for you, uh, no. We're good. Definitely try the folks that run the internet, though. They seem to need some help with chronic pop-ups, and maybe you can work your magic and make those disappear, too.
Friday, December 7, 2012
SCORING WITH THE MOTHER-IN-LAW TO BE by Anthony Solimini
ANTHONY SOLIMINI
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I will be meeting my fiancé’s mother for the first time tonight. She’s in a wheelchair so should I talk real loud and mime my conversation with her so she can understand me? I want to make a good first impression.
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Ahh, a medical question. I like these. First of all she is not in a wheelchair. She is in a disabled transportator. Let’s please be politically correct. And people don’t talk loud. They are just French! And we don’t use the word mime anymore. We use irritating entertainers. Now that that’s cleared up, let me address your question.
She is in a wheelchair, not deaf and not stupid. And she does not want to be treated differently just because she can’t run, walk, dance, hike, sail, play tennis, catch a Frisbee, or other things requiring the use of your legs. NO! Treat her as if she is not in a wheelchair. For example, when you come to a hill, don’t hold her. Let her roll down at a high speed and crash in to oncoming traffic! This is what she would want and you will look like a real politically correct daughter-in-law! Happy rolling!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
REALITY SHOW MARATHON by Anthony Solimini
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: There is going to be a 2 day marathon of my favorite reality show with no commercial interruptions. I don't want to miss a thing so I moved the TV into the kitchen and brought in a change of clothes. Do you think it would be crazy of me to buy depends so I don't have to get up to go to the bathroom? A lot could happen while I’d be gone.
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ANTHONY: I can’t believe you would ask this question!!! Are you an American? Do you know our constitution? Do you have the union Jack on your front porch or painted on the hood of your car?
This is ‘Merica… Land of the fat, home of the lazy! We are not like other countries. We are first class couch potatoes with a need for excess in everything we do. For example, last year there was a 5 day marathon of The Golden Girls!!! My wife and I cut a hole in our bed and put garbage bags in the holes. For three days we didn’t move from the bed! We watched five days straight. We ordered food and had the delivery guy a key so he could come in and drop it off outside the door. Awesome!
So, don’t buy depends. No, my American fired food, McRib eating slob! Put a toilet in the kitchen. I am not even sure why you don’t already have this, but I will leave that for another day! And remember, if its yellow let it mellow. If it’s brown flush it down!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
THY SINS ARE FORGIVEN by Anthony Solimini
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is it wrong for me to steal vegetables from the Amish farm up the street? They are really good and I'm sure the Amish won't care... aren't they supposed to be forgiving?
ANTHONY: I really love this question! Why? Because anytime anyone can take advantage of those hat wearing, bible preaching, no electricity using, horse riding idiots I get a little tear in my eye from excitement!
See, God put these people on earth for a reason! So people who actually have a full set of teeth and an education can take advantage of them. It’s a perfect plan. When the world is in the state it is right now, we all need to laugh a little. And nothing makes me happier than seeing them watch you as you run away and they can’t do anything because they have no phone, no car and are all married to their sisters! Keep the faith and the carrots! They will forgive you!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
LIKE-A-HOLIC by Anthony Solimini
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have been diagnosed,(here on Bookface), as a serial LIKER. I LIKE everything! Are there meetings I can go to, say, Likers Anonymous, or something like that where people of like afflictions can support one another?
Dear Like-aholic, I feel your pain! I really like, feel your pain. And yes there is a support group for idiots, I mean people, like you that like everything like all the time.
It is called a SOCIAL LIFE. Here is how it works. You call a friend or 2, if you have any, and GO OUT. Eat. Drink. Laugh. Talk. Discuss. Anything that doesn’t involve a piece of technology. I know, it sounds absurd. Not being able to like a friend’s picture of their cat, or the bagel they just ate, or the tumor that was just remover from their stomach. But, believe it or not, you can do it. You may even try dating a human being. Now, it will probably be difficult for you to find someone since you are probably extremely annoying, but like what have you got to like lose! Good luck!
Monday, December 3, 2012
BLACK TO SCHOOL by Anthony Solimini
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just read that they are now offering $10,000 for black moms to go to school. I'm not black but could use that money. Do you think if I painted my face black and borrowed my neighbor’s kid I’d qualify? Should I change my name to, Suzqwan?
Dear Sad Lonely Girl, since Obama just won the election I too will be painting my face and changing my name to Vashon Metta World Peace. No, I will not get any money for this but I will be “keepin’ it real” since the USA is now officially “gangsta”…
As for you, well I say go for it. After all, America was built on lies, cheating, stealing and deception. Why should you, as a white woman, have to go to work and be responsible for yourself? NO! Take freebies. Live off the government. Take advantage of diversity based social welfare programs. And as for the kid; to have some real fun, borrow a white child. Keep the government workers guessing whose child it really is. See, we have so many rights in our country that they cannot take a DNA test! They will have to fork over the cha ching! But, you have to study! Remember they are paying for the education. However, my advice is to just sit next to a Chinese student and cheat! Ahhhhh. America!
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