HAIR TODAY COMEOVER TOMORROW by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’ve been getting  a lot of grey hairs so I have been pulling them out. I'm noticing bald patches all over my head. Could it be my shampoo?

Size does matter so click picture to enlarge

GISELE: It’s either that, the attempted roast by a drunk Situation, filing for bankruptcy at least 4 times or getting fired with a birth certificate backfired bid for the presidency.  But still, your hair is your trademark.  So you should probably borrow a few billion to launch your own line of Trump baldness shampoo. We Shall Overcomb.

StupidAssQuestions.com

RECYCLEABLE OR TRASH? by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I moved into a new apartment and found that someone left a huge crucifix behind. I called the owner and they said they didn’t want it. Should I throw it in the garbage or recyclables? Do you think Jesus will care? Did they recycle back then?

Size does matter so click picture to enlarge

GISELE: If it were Buddah, it’d be easier - he gladly goes in the recycle bin every time.  But a crucifix is tricky.  The 2nd commandment says it’s trash, but the 4th says not to clean up if it’s the 7th day.  I don’t like to do math, so I’d either call Lady Gaga & tell her to pick up her stuff or take the great commission to Ebay.

StupidAssQuestions.com

NOT SO CELEBRITY FIT CLUB by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My pants have been feeling a lot looser on me lately. Do you think I lost weight, or did my fat just stretch them out?

Size does matter so click picture to enlarge

GISELE: Yes K-Fed, you did lose weight on Celebrity Fit Club, but you’ve been Cheetosing on your diet to the point that you’ve stretched out your cargo pants into car-can-go-though pants.  You’re starting to make Val Kilmer look sexy.  It’s time for a reality check & another reality show.

StupidAssQuestions.com

JELLY BELLY by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m a vegetarian who heard that beans are really good for your diet and help you to lose weight. So after Easter I purchased a bunch of discounted jelly beans and have been eating them non stop, but am gaining weight... what is wrong?

Size does matter so click picture to enlarge

GISELE: Nice try Val Kilmer, but you are what you eat.  So even if you buy Jelly Bellys on sale, after a few years you’re going to get a gooey gut.  To get your figure back, try switching to Hot Tamales & call me when you can do a sit-up again.

StupidAssQuestions.com

BEANS, GOOD FOR THE HEART by Kelley Lynn

KELLEY LYNN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love eating high fiber bean soup and then washing it down with 32 oz of coffee... Should I be worried?"

Size does matter so click picture to enlarge

Kelley: No, but your neighbors should be. As you know, beans make you "toot", and coffee takes care of what comes next. With a diet such as this, the constant smell permeating off of you could be alarming for anyone who is in your general area. The solution is two-fold: Get a job working as a bathroom attendant; and rent out a large port-o-potty as an apartment to live in. At work, you can eat all the beans and drink all the coffee you want, and fart up a storm. It's a public bathroom. It stinks like poop. No one will suspect it's YOUR poop. When you go home, you will literally ALWAYS be in a bathroom and never have to worry about "running to the toilet" ever again. Plus, you will save hundreds of dollars on rent, and you can steal all the toilet paper you want from work to bring home to your port-o-potty apartment. Invest in Lysol.

StupidAssQuestions.com

STUPID ASS QUESTIONS by Kelley Lynn

KELLEY LYNN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Has anyone ever asked a stupid question that you could not answer?

Size does matter so click picture to enlarge

Kelley: YES.

StupidAssQuestions.com

WANTED! BRIDESMAIDS by Kelley Lynn

KELLEY LYNN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m getting married soon and I’m kinda freaking out. I need a maid of honor and bridesmaids. But I don’t have any friends. Something about sleeping with all their boyfriends. Anyway, do you think I could put an ad on Craig’s list FRIENDS WANTED ONE NIGHT ONLY? I could offer FREE food and open bar as an enticement.

Size does matter so click picture to enlarge

Kelley: FREE food and an open bar to people you don't even know and won't give a crap about the day after your wedding?  What the hell is wrong with you?  Your fiance is marring a moron.  Alas, I'm here to hold your backwoods hand and get you through this. Your Craigslist ad should go something like this:  WANTED!   Bridesmaids for my special day. Applicant's must be prepared to endure verbal insults as well as the occasional random physical beating. After all It's MYYY DAY!!!  Applicant's must bring with them no less than 5 different bridesmaids dresses in varying shades of my chosen bridal color: Avacado green with Magenta trim; for my inspection.  Those chosen as bridesmaids will also be required to provide the following : A bridal shower,  DJ , Wedding Planner, Church, Reception Hall, Dinner, Limo, Photographer/Videographer; and; of course; open bar. Contact Mable at the Waffle House Off Route 47 Minot, North Dakota  Next to the Super Walmart.

StupidAssQuestions.com