CONSTRUCTIVE STALKING? by Anna Lefler

Anna Lefler

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I just got an email that said, “Need your roof replaced.”  How do they know?  Isn’t this considered stalking?  Should I call the police and report them?

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Anna: Yes!  This is definitely intrusive.  I bet it’s the same people who send me forms demanding a portion of my income every year.  And get this:  somehow, they always know EXACTLY how much money I made and they always want a check on April 15th.  Yeah, like I’m gonna fall for that.

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LIFE IN CHINA by Anna Lefler

Anna Lefler

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  Why does everyone always ask me if I have a Chinese girlfriend?  I live in China right now, and I want to know if this is some sort of cultural thing, or are there just a lot of drunk Chinese people hitting on me?

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Anna: Well, that could be caused by a variety of factors, but for starters, you might want to take off that t-shirt that reads, “Ask me about my Chinese girlfriend.”

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DOG'S BOWL by Anna Lefler

Anna Lefler

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I let my dog drink out of the toilet when he is thirsty.  I like this method because he will never run out of water.  The problem is that I sometimes forget to flush.  Actually, I heard on TV you could save money by not flushing as often.  How much could I save they didn’t say?

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Anna: Take the money you’re saving by not flushing and hire a food taster.  Trust me, that dog will be evening the score, one way or another.  

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SWITCHED by Anna Lefler

Anna Lefler

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  My best friend just got an award for one of her pieces of artwork.  I entered the same show, but only got a “GOOD TRY.”  She doesn’t know the results yet, so should I switch the two awards and just be all like, “Oh, I’m so sorry better luck next time?”  She’s really not too bright.

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Anna: Yes, that sounds like a good plan.  Because everyone will totally believe that your macramé Magnum P.I. plant holder beat out your friend’s tear-inducing sculpture of Madonna and Child.

GOVERNMENT REPOS STUDENT BRAIN by Anna Lefler

Anna Lefler

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I got a student loan so I could go to school.  I dropped out a few months prior to graduating.  Now I get a bill from them expecting to be paid.  I never finished school so I don’t have to repay them, do I?  What are they gonna do…repo my brain?

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Anna: No, chances are they’d go for something more valuable.  If I were you, I’d keep an eye on your VCR.

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366 DAYS OF BODY ART by Michael Brown

MICHAEL BROWN

ACTORS EROTIC FICTION by Michael Brown

MICHAEL BROWN