Paul Newman Fan by Andy Gold

ANDY GOLD

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am a BIG Paul Newman fan. In fact I’ve seen everyone of his movies so many times that I feel like family. Do you think I could stop by and visit with Joanne? 

ANDY: I think you should go visit Paul's wife Joanne for 2 reasons. The first is that you're already on a first name basis with her (Super!) The second is a little more complex. You see, what a lot of people don't know is that Paul Newman had an affinity for urinating on dead animals. He first peed on a dead animal in 1967 on the set of "Cool Hand Luke" (or whatever year that movie was made) Between shooting scenes there was a dead raccoon on the side of the road. Paul thought to himself "Pee on it Paul." Then he thought "No Paul, that's morbid what's wrong with you?" Finally he thought "Well, why not? How many people can say they've peed on a dead raccoon?" So, Paul went ahead and peed on that dead raccoon. And you know what? He was glad he did. Paul sadly became hopelessly addicted to peeing on dead things. (the addiction is second only to heroin) Paul kept it a secret from Joanne for many years until one day, Joanne came home to find Paul peeing on the family dog. Paul couldn't find any road kill, became desperate and killed the family dog so, he could pee on it. Paul, to redeem himself started making delicious charitable jelly. Now that Paul is dead, Joanne is unsure that she can save the jelly. I insist you visit her and talk her into saving that delicious jelly.

Baby Chicks, the Other White Meat by Andy Gold

ANDY GOLD

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love chickpeas and put them on everything. My sister said that I have to stop eating them because I’m a vegetarian and they are made from baby chicks. Is that true?

ANDY: No that is not true. You are not a vegetarian. It is true that Chickpeas are baby chicks, but seeing as how you are not a vegetarian, you can eat them. I am surprised that your sister knows so little about you. I think you should consider asking if she's your real sister (I doubt it) I'll bet it's a man who's dressed like you're sister that is a blood-thirsty baby chicken craving maniac that has eaten all of his baby chickens and now he wants yours. The same thing happened to my cousin Steve.

Free Ice Cream for Life by Andy Gold

ANDY GOLD

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: A local ice cream parlor had a coupon for a free 3 scoop ice cream AND their big man’s hot chocolate and bananas sundae. So of course I went because I love ice cream. Later that night I threw up and had a bad stomachache. Should I tell them their ice cream made me sick? They might give me free ice cream for life.

ANDY: Yes, you should absolutely complain and get free ice cream because they were in the wrong!  Everybody knows that a big man should never make a hot chocolate! Hot chocolate is a delicate drink that should only be made by a woman. You see when a John Goodman like big brute makes you a hot chocolate he'll get saw dust or whiskers in it which will make you sick; also when combined with ice cream and bananas (2 other feminine foods) it only compounds and gets worse. I say they give you free ice cream for life or you sue them and take their wives, houses, kids, pets and cars, Then make you're own kids with their wives. These hooligans need to made examples of. You don't put big lumberjacks in charge of that kind of food.

Witch Craft-E-Ness by Andy Gold

ANDY GOLD

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: How come women are way more clever than men? 

ANDY: Great question! Woman are way more clever than men out of necessity. You see woman possess no real praiseworthy attributes and have had to develop the trait of being clever. Woman for centuries and centuries could only hope to get by on their looks to be an acceptable part of society. Sadly many woman were born ugly and had to move to the countryside and become witches. This helped to pass the boredom, but was an inconvenient lifestyle as they were often burned to death.  It wasn't until the the last 100 years or so, that woman developed a mental capacity that was equal to men. However this was not enough to get equal rights so, woman developed the trait of being clever. Much more clever than men. Because of this development we have seen woman like Roseanne and many other ugly woman achieve success. However attractive woman are still, usually very stupid. Occasionally however, because of a mutation in the woman's chromosome there is a woman who is attractive and smart. And that's the story of the prenuptial agreement. Thanks a lot and I hope I was helpful!

THANKS ROSE! by Stupid Ass Questions

ROSEVALENTA.COM

Rose has had a busy summer. She was elected to the Board of Directors of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists (NSNC) on June 26th at the “Rebound in Motown” Conference in Detroit. AND most importantly, she was this weeks guest comedian at Stupidassquestions . We loved having her. THANK YOU Rose for your great advice. 

Rose would like all of her writer friends to join the NSNC via its website http://www.columnists.com. They are embarking on an exciting year. The organization is open to authors, freelance columnists (newspapers and magazines) and bloggers. Membership will benefit your writing career.

Recently, she teamed up with Giovanni "G-MAN" Gelati of BlogTalkRadio and produced a digital short story for you. It is a face-off in a fictitious Philadelphia comedy club titled "Dueling Microphones." He will be interviewing several NSNC members during the next few months about their new books in the GZONE.

Rose states, "We had a great time writing "Dueling Microphones" and promoting it on all the social networking sites, and I will be performing one of the sets live at The Helium Comedy Club, 2031 Sansom St., Philadelphia soon. It would have been last Saturday, but Irene upstaged my act. I will have something up on YouTube for you".

Check out Rose's website f0r her books and humor, humor, humor.

(Re-printed with permission by Rose A. Valenta)

Get Your Priorities Straight by Rose A. Valenta

RoseValenta.com

Dear StupidAssQuestions: I've been distressed over the sinking economy, political dysfunction, global chaos, the Arab spring, nuclear winter, famine in Africa, Al Gore's angst, and my inability to tame that pesky cowlick terrorizing my cool new celebrity hairstyle. Do you think I should just say no to cable TV (except for my faves "The Kardashians" and "New Jersey Housewives" ) and stop worrying my pointy head over the stupid newsy things?

ROSE: Most of the things you watch on cable news have little or no direct impact on your personal life, nor will they cure the cowlick. So what if Judge Jeanine likes to apply nail polish while interviewing Mark Fuhrman about his expert opinion regarding lying under oath during a criminal trial; and so what if Nancy Grace was once considered for the role of Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback during auditions for a Harry Potter movie. Your cowlick is more important, right? Stop worrying.

Where's the Poke Button on Linkedin? by Rose A. Valenta

RoseValenta.com

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just joined another social network on the internet, Linkedin, but I can’t seem to find the poke thing on here. Do you know how to poke someone on Linkedin?

ROSE: Yes, you steal a Forbes Billionaire’s resume and beef up your own listing with it. That should poke everybody. You will be the most popular poke on Linkedin. You might even get a better paying job. It’s like when you go to a job interview and they ask you how much you are making now, so they can offer you the standard 10% more.