GRIN AND BEAR IT by Kenny Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kenny,  All Winter long I have been eating non-stop. My boyfriend says I'm getting fat and to stop. But aren’t we all considered animals? And like all other animals isn’t it normal to put on a large layer of fat for Winter? You know, like bears.

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Kenny: I'm probably not the best person here on staff to answer your question but our crack team of Stupid Ass Questions Dietary experts have just waddled out to their luncheon engagement.  (I think I heard it's at the Golden Corral Buffet.  Depends on how quick they got the roof replaced after the last time they all ate there they ate the roof right off the joint! But I digress, anyway we are not all animals.  Lots of people act like that but alas some of us are actually born to be house plants.  Uh huh high maintenance orchids in fact.  Go where the petting starts and mean boy friends end baby!  Yeah,ditch the Wall Street/Fashion Industry/People who have swallowed their lie about beauty and go with what makes you happy.  Eat, drink, and be merry! I do it all Winter myself.  You oughta' see me right now, I'm a big, fat, succulent orchid just loving life. So my friend I would say to you,"Grin and bare it!" and call me when you hit the beach next.  I'll squirt lotion on your back and you can roll me on my beach tarp.  I invented that secrete tanning butter. Hey they'll think you're saving a sea lion or something. 

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FAMILY REUNION by Kenny Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kenny, I’m putting together my family reunion and I was wondering… do you think the parking lot of a liquor store would work?

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Kenny: Holy cannoli!, gramma and mom, are you two serious? After last
year's Reunion/Debacle at the bar with your dart league "buddies"
pfft! I am so over your antics ladies.  Honest.The fact you want to
play out some weird psychological escapade out here with my friends on
a World Wide Web First Class Comedy Site is troubling to me (how's
that for pandering 'eh?). Anyway, why did you buy that Tesla? No body
can fit in it much less you two. Oh we can't drive to the liquor store
for the Reunion, our battery is dead Kenny.  Can you come and pick us
up?  Whatever ladies It's always about "YOU!! P.S we'll be at
Walmart's.  Call your buddy, Screwy Louie, he owes me $50 for
babysitting you gals after we all ",,oh so abandoned you" last year. I
need to see Louie. You two jazz-bos,,,not such much.(We just hung out 

for crying out loud!)  Either of you remember Ground Hogs Day ?StupidAssQuestions.com

GOTCHA COVERED by Kenny Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kenny, Why do they call them "man-hole covers", when really they're covers for holes in the street? Are they being used incorrectly?

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Kenny: At the time of this writing I am hidden deep in a undisclosed location beneath the Earth.This is a touchy subject for a lot of people and my safety is a prime concern.Fact of the matter is "manhole" covers didn't used to be(Back in the good old days when men were really men.)called by their present names.No, we used to call them "womenhole" covers and they were used far more inventively.(Oh the possibilities,,)The girls got mad about the term and uses of these wonderful inventions and well,,,,a few of us wound up getting thrown into holes and had heavy covers placed on top of them so as to prevent our escape.But being the resourceful fellas we are once entombed we simply built "man caves" and hunkered down until the foul moods had lifted from our beloved gals.(Or they needed a jar lid removed.Maybe the grass cut.)So yes,,,,they're being used properly and the next time you see one give the secret knock and password and drop on in!Just don't bring my wife with you if she's still mad about the "balance the womanhole cover on her head/coffee table crack" OK?

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ZOMBIE LOVE by Kenny Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kenny, What happens to the fetus when a pregnant woman becomes a Zombie?

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Kenny: Ahhhh memory lane.  Believe it or not one of my greatest love affairs was with a zombie woman.  Oh yeah, I thought about marriage too.  If only the good times had out weighed the bad.  On the up side, she kept me in the greatest physical condition of my "act like I'm in shape" career.  I was running constantly! Every time I was around her I was running.  Man, I was fit as a fiddle.  The down side finally won out though.  Yeah she always professed to "love me for my brain"(Zombies in the South call them sweet breads by the way) and when she saw my brain scan after I'd been hit in the head with that rock (she threw at me to slow me down) well, no "sense in "having a boyfriend with no brain.  She dropped me like first period French class!  To love and have lost is far better than to have loved and been eaten I suppose.  Oh, about the baby thing.  Zombie chicks have never been recorded to have babies much less engage in "relations that would be conducive" to the wonderful and fantastic miracle of child birth.  Google it, they eat everything. 

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SPRING HAS SPRUNG by Kenny Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kenny, Now that Spring has sprung I need to rake my yard from all the leaves and crap. I just don't feel like it.  Do you think it's ok to borrow my neighbor's leaf blower while he's at work and blow the leaves and crap into his yard?

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Kenny: Spring is indeed here and a young man's fancy always turns to love.  I don't know anybody who loves to clean up leaves and crap so I understand your question fully.  Let's settle something real quick though, there are yard loving, leaf raking, dog poop never stops steaming before it's picked up, psychos among us.  They're going to read your question and immediately call you lazy.  I say, (as your acting legal council with the Homeowner's Association in this matter) you're not lazy...you're just not being creative.  When your neighbor is at work do indeed borrow that leaf blower and push it all into his yard in a neat line.  The next day blow it right back into your yard the same way.  Go back and forth for about a week and see what happens.  If he doesn't give you any "blow back"(that's a legal term by the way) on it well then it's all good.  If he does get all kooked out about it then egg your own house and toilet paper your own trees!  Yeah, borrow the TP and eggs from him while he's at work man!Then, call the cops and say he's harassing you.  Everybody knows those anal yard nuts secretly mark all their eggs for Easter and they'll be the first to tell you when visiting your toilet paper is "not nearly as nice" as theirs.  He'll be stone cold busted! 

P.S: good fences make great neighbors. Next year just flip it over the fence.

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SUGAR HIGH by Joanne Filan

JOANNE FILAN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Joanne, I had some chocolate the other day and it upset my stomach. I think it was the sugar. I don’t want to give up chocolate so should I start eating cocoa powder instead? It's kind of bitter but maybe I could get used to it... like black coffee.

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Joanne: Dear Quitter,

I don’t think you are looking at the big picture here.  Is it possible your stomach was upset due to not enough sugar?  I suggest you try an experiment and replace every meal of your day with sugar.  That way you can rule out any question of sugar being such a “demon” and welcome the opportunity of unlimited energy followed by an immediate lack of insomnia. And for the record, sugar would never give up on you.

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PAY BACK by Joanne Filan

JOANNE FILAN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: A friend of mine’s mom passed away. I bought a sympathy card to mail to her. As I was putting it together I remembered I owe her $5.00. Is it ok to put the cash in there too or will she think that it’s a donation for her mother’s passing? I don’t want to get gipped and have to pay her again. Maybe I should put in a yellow sticky note on the inside of the card.

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Joanne: Dear Awkward,

It’s important to keep things respectful at this difficult time in your friend’s life.  Losing a loved one can be very hard to deal with and you don’t want to lose sight of your overall goal to help ease their pain.   Maybe there is an easier and later time for repaying your friend. While attending the funeral and paying respects, perhaps you could reach into the casket and “find” a $5 bill behind the deceased’s ear.  That way you can bring a happy and positive moment to an otherwise sad situation and even give the family a special new memory of their mother they can share with generations to come.

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PHOTO SHOCKED by Joanne Filan

JOANNE FILAN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Joanne I created a logo for a customer and I forgot to put whiskers on the cat. She noticed and said something to me. Rather than look like I didn’t know what I was doing I told her that it is a rare breed of cat called a Mexican Whiskerless. I’m afraid she’s going to google it and find I lied. Should I buy a website and Photoshop the whiskers off cats and put it up so she’ll believe me?

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Joanne: Dear Liar,

Clearly you have a problem.  Photoshop can be confusing and difficult if you are not an expert and bad technique can be easily spotted. Buying a website can also be a huge undertaking.  I’d say go to the source and get yourself to a small, underground, genetics laboratory.  If you are not familiar with DNA gene splicing, I suggest you do some easy research on Google and/or YouTube while you’re at it.  I’m sure there are a few beginner videos out there to get you started.  You may also want to check out the movie “Jurassic Park” for another point of reference, although I would suggest not making the cats as aggressive or large.  Of course, you’re going to need to do all of this in Mexico to keep with the theme you’ve created. Overall, I don’t see this as a huge challenge, having created naked mole rats years ago for a similar situation.  Good luck.

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INFECTED by Joanne Filan

JOANNE FILAN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Joanne, I feel like I have an ear infection but don’t want to go to the doctor. I found some drops my vet gave me for my dog when he had one. Do you think I should double the dosage because I weigh about twice as much as him or should I call my vet and ask?

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Joanne: Dear Infected,

Clearly you have a problem.  Trying to call a vet or anyone else when you have an ear infection is fruitless.  You won’t hear anything, and the person on the other end of the line will think it’s a prank call and inform the police.  Your best bet is to do something about the ear infection before you start making calls and doing things that only those who can hear will do. Why do people insist on ignoring the problem at hand?  Once you get the infection under control, you can make all the calls you want.   I only hope you don’t have a connected eye infection that would inhibit your ability to read my advice.  If so, I suggest you get yourself a seeing-eye dog.  But please speak to a vet beforehand for further information.  I hope this answers your question.

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DESPERATION IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION by Kevin Bartini

KEVIN BARTINI

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin, If the Best things in life are free then why do I get charged at the Liquor Store.  

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KEVIN: Dear Boozer on a Budget,

The best things in life are indeed free and that includes alcohol.  There are plenty of ways to get free alcohol but the people at People Liquor don’t want you to know about.  

As any one of Alec Baldwin’s brothers can tell you, you can be flat broke and still get drunk if you know where to go.   

Try brewing your own.  If they can make alcohol in prison then you can make it at home.  To make alcohol all you need is sugar, yeast and liquid.  These are things that you can easily get for free at any restaurant.   What three things does every restaurant give you for free and in unlimited supply?  Sugar packets, ice water and dinner rolls.  

Just sit down at a table and when the waitress takes your order say that you need a few minutes to look over the menu but she can bring your dinner rolls right away.   While she is bringing your rolls and filling your water glass head off to the restroom.  Did you know that every restaurant has free plastic bags in the bathroom?  They do they keep them in the trashcan.

Dump out the trash onto the floor and take the plastic bag.  Then go back to your table and put the dinner rolls and the water into the bag then tear open the sugar packets pour them into the bag give it a good shake and run out of the restaurant with the bag over your shoulder.  Be sure to yell “suckers’ at the staff as you leave.

The yeast from the rolls will eat the sugar in and fart alcohol into the water.  Give this process a few days and before you know it you will have a good buzz on free of charge all compliments of the good people at Roy Rogers.

If you need some free booze but you don’t feel like waiting for the fermentation process then I suggest looking at the local newspaper.  Skip to the obituary section and look for the nearest Irish funeral.  

Irish funerals are always going to be filled with free booze and it is really easy to fit in at an Irish Funeral.  Just remember these three phrases and you’ll be considered family.

“Seamus was a lousy dad but boy was he good at hitting his wife.”

“It is wonderful to see that all seventeen of Mary’s children could be here for her funeral.”

“Screw the queen!”

As for the liquor stores, they are selling alcohol which is wrong.  But there are ways to get free alcohol from liquor stores as well.  It is pretty simple really.  Just go to the liquor store on a Friday evening and wait to be approached by a teenager.  The teenager will actually give you money to go inside and buy him a bottle of booze.  Step one is to take the teenagers money into the store and pick out a bottle.  Step two is to call the cops and tell them that there is a kid outside the store asking adults to buy him alcohol.  Step three is to pay for the booze with the kid’s money and then walk out of the store while the kid is busy with the cop.

And just like that you have gotten free booze, the liquor store got paid and the teenager learned a valuable lesson about trusting people.  

Cheers,

Kevin Bartini

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SLEEP EATING by Kevin Bartini

KEVIN BARTINI

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin,

I am hungry and tired.  Is it possible to eat and sleep at the same time.  

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KEVIN: Dear Tired and Hungry,  Is it possible to eat and sleep at the same time?  What a silly question.  Of course it is possible to eat and sleep at the same time.  There are people who do nothing but eat and sleep every day.  Those people live their lives in comas or Rural Mississippi.

Eating and sleeping are an amazing combination.  They go together like binging and purging or drinking and driving.  Both are great on their own but when you learn how to put them together they are life changing.

Learning how to sleep and eat at the same time is a tricky but rewarding habit.  Step one is to learn from the masters.  Val Kilmer writes a great blog on the subject, lots of good insights there.  And when it comes to doing nothing but eating and sleeping I am guessing that is all that Jessica Simpson is up to these days so maybe follow her on Twitter.  

Please do me a favor and DO NOT TAKE AMBIEN.  This is cheating.  When it comes to eating and sleeping Ambien is a performance-enhancing drug.   This takes all of the sport out of it and as a nocturnal nourishment purist I cannot be more against it.  

Do it the natural way.  Start with soft foods served using a funnel system.  You need a way to feed the food into your mouth unconsciously.  My preferred method is to put melted ice cream in an iv bag and then tape the iv tube to the side of my mouth.

Now you don’t want to choke so you have to train your throat to work for you and not against you.  Like any guy in musical theater can tell you the trick is to relax your throat and control your gag reflex.  

Once you have mastered the IV of ice cream you can move on to more solid foods.  But this possesses a problem.  Training your hand to feed food into your mouth is very complex and takes a long time.  What I recommend is to sleep on a pillow of food.  Something like a roasted turkey that is soft enough to comfortably support your head but is also something that you can mindlessly gorge on.

You are embarking on a rewarding life long love affair with food and sleep.   Enjoy the process and please keep us all posted on your progress and subsequent weight gain.

I’ll meet you at the buffet in your dreams,

Kevin Bartini

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A TALE OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT by Kevin Bartini

KEVIN BARTINI

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin, A friend of mine gave me a Christmas Cactus last year.  Yesterday I noticed it was blooming and it was only October.  Why would she lie to me?  Should I dump her as a friend?

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Kevin: Dear Not a Botanist,

Do not blame your friend for the early blooming cactus.  Your friend was trying to give you a gift and is thus a good friend.  Don’t blame the cactus either.  You see the cactus is kind of dumb.  Cactus’ in general are a less intelligent species because they lack a central nervous system and because they are from the South West.  

Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that everyone from the South West is unintelligent.  I am just saying that I have yet to meet a Nobel Prize Winner or a Rhodes Scholar wearing a turquoise belt buckle and a bolo tie.  The poor cactus can’t be blamed for thinking that early October is Christmas.  The blame goes to the pricks on Madison Avenue who have decided to force everyone to start their holiday shopping some time around early June.   Christmas has spread through the calendar like an aggressive tumor.  It used to be only one day.  Back in simpler times, folks celebrated Christmas on December 25th.  Children would get an orange in their stocking, mom would roast a goose and dad would get drunk.  Then one day of Christmas wasn’t enough they added Christmas eve.  This meant two oranges for the kids, now mom had to roast a goose and a turkey and dad could be drunk for 48 hours straight.  It was a small growth nobody seemed to notice and nobody seemed to be upset.

Then somebody got the bright idea to write a song about the twelve days of Christmas.  All of the sudden thanks to a catchy ditty Christmas had increased in size six fold.  

But almost two weeks of Christmas wasn’t enough.  Like an occupying force Christmas led a blitzkrieg into November and invaded Thanksgiving.  All of the sudden Santa Clause was appearing at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade and the story of the Pilgrims breaking Bread with the Indians had moved from Plymouth Massachusetts to a manger in Bethlehem.   Thanksgiving was no longer about enjoying a feast with those closest to you.  Thanksgiving was no longer about taking a moment out to be grateful for what you have.  It was about focusing on what you want.  It was now about rifling through the JC Penny catalogue and camping out on line for eighteen hours at Best Buy so you could buy a tv for half price.  

Having effectively making Thanksgiving it’s bitch Christmas has taken over Halloween spreading this joyous season to a full two months.   Now all of the sudden Santa Clause is showing up at the Halloween parade in Greenwich Village where he continuously pops amyl nitrate and joins in on the Thriller Dance.

So of course your cactus got confuse and began to bloom in October.  How could it not think that it’s Christmas already?   On Halloween when your door bell rings you aren’t supposed to wonder if you will open the door to find trick-or-treaters or carolers.  It sure looks like Christmas when you go into the Duane Reade and the place is decked out like at any moment the Who’s down in Whoville are about to drop in and blast out a few bars of Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze! Welcome Christmas, Come this way! 

    Once Halloween falls we can pretty much expect the months of September and August to follow suit.   We can kiss the Fourth of July goodbye and expect to start shopping for Christmas at the same time we are shopping for Dads and Grads.  It won’t be long before on the last Friday in April we mark Arbor day by  cutting down our Christmas trees.     

I am sorry to tell you that life as you know it will never be the same.  We are moving into an era where the Holiday Season begins on New Years Eve and never ends.  It is a scary world.  So tonight hug your cactus a little tighter and enjoy the 365 days that it will be in bloom.

A Joyous Noel to You and Yours,

Kevin Bartini

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MEETING OF THE MINDS by Kevin Bartini

KEVIN BARTINI

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin, If it is true that we are here to help others, then what are other people here for?

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Kevin: 

Dear Modern Day Philosopher,  First off before I answer your question I have two of my own.  How high were you when you thought of this question?  And can you hook me up with the number to your dealer?

I am seriously impressed.  For someone to come up with such a deep question has to have taken something that not only opened the doors of perception in his mind but actually blew the doors right off of their hinges.  

I thought that the best way to answer your question was to get as high as you.  As they say great minds think alike.  So I did nine bong rips but even after that I still didn’t feel like I had caught up to you yet.  So then I started huffing random things around the house.  Spray paint, whipped cream, I even stuck my nose into a white box of Chinese leftovers that had been in the back of my refrigerator for the last six months and took a deep breath.  Next came the pills.  I don’t have a lot of prescription strength medicine in the house since I don’t have insurance.  But I took a handful of Flintstones Chewables , and then a months worth of birth control pills as a chaser.

And still after all of that I didn’t feel like I was as yet as high as you and thus could not be in the headspace to properly answer your question.  So I went to the gym.  I thought that when you are on a mix of pills, pot and inhalants yet you have still not reached the elevated mental state that killed River Phoenix the next logical step was to achieve a runners high.  So on to the treadmill.   I went running, stumbling at first but eventually sprinting.  I awaited that fabled runners high.  I started sweating and eventually vomiting up half the town of Bedrock.  

It was at that moment that my runners high kicked in and put me over the edge.  Euphoria!  Oh how it must feel to be you, Modern Day Philosopher!   I had reached that point where I could see the world clearly.  I could smell emotions and I could hear light.  I was in the exact right place mentally, physically and spiritually.   I was at last one with the universe and finally ready to answer your question!

But then I looked up from the treadmill and saw that an episode of The Simpsons was starting on the flat screen in front of me.  It was a classic, the one where Bart tries to jump Springfield Gorge with his skateboard.   I had no choice but to stay on the treadmill for another thirty minutes and by the time the episode ended I had forgotten your question.

So now it is the next morning I have a splitting headache and I my legs are in a competition to see who can cramp up in a more horrific manner.  So far the edge goes to my left leg who waited until I was in the bathroom to have some sort of seize up.  I dropped immediately to one knee as if I had stepped onto a land mine and got pee on the wall.

So to answer your question…  Other people are here to help you in return.  That is life.  The give and take the ebb and flow the ying and the yang.  You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.  That is what it is all about.  For example I am here to help answer your question and in doing so there will be many people that help me.  People like the maid who will come in and clean the pee off of my wall.  Or the technician at Planned Parenthood who will help me out next month now that I have taken all of my wife’s birth control pills.  

Thanks again for your great question.  Say now to drugs.

Kevin Bartini

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PUPPY LOVE by Kevin Bartini

KEVIN BARTINI

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin, I have a puppy that requires exercise once a day but I am lazy as crap and don’t want to take him.  Do you think if I tied him to my son’s remote controlled dirt bike that it would do the job for me, OR do I strap him to my sons skateboard and just give it a push into the driveway?

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Kevin: Dear Father of the Year,  A new puppy while a wonderful addition to any family can produce unintended inconveniences.  You are right a puppy does need exercise and that does conflict with your plan to be lazy.  I feel for you really I do.  First I want to say that taping your puppy to a skateboard is a non starter.  The puppy will get no exercise being taped to a skateboard.  He would just stay there as the board wheels around.  Also taping the puppy to a skateboard would require effort on your part.  I don’t have to tell you how much effort it takes to pull tape from a roll while taking tape off of a furry puppy is infinitely more difficult.

You may think that that leaves only one option, to tie the puppy to your son’s remote controlled dirt bike.  You would be wrong.  Puppies don’t have the motor skills to keep a dirt bike balanced nor does he possess the opposable thumbs required to use a remote control.  But all is not lost.   There is one more option that I think you are overlooking… your son.  I am not a dad but I am lazy.  I have often fantasized about having a son of my own.  I don’t want a son to carry on my name and my DNA.  I don’t want a son so I have someone to throw the ball around with.  I don’t want a son so I don’t have to die alone.

I want a son because I am lazy and I need my very own helper monkey.  I want a son so I have someone to get me a beer when I need one.   I want a son who can walk to the tv and change the channel when I can’t reach beneath the couch cushions for the remote.  You being a lazy person must have figured out that having a son is like having an unpaid manservant.  If I had a son I wouldn’t even have to wipe my own ass anymore.  So make the boy take the dog out for a walk each day.  It will give the puppy exercise and it will give your son a companion when he walks to the mailbox to pick up your welfare check or heads down to the corner to buy your smokes and lottery tickets.

Keep living the good life.

Your friend,

Kevin Bartini

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