ELECTRIC SLIDE by Kanta Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Santa, I just electrocuted myself with the stupid christmas lights on my house... the ones that are synchronized with music. Now every time Jingle Bells plays my heart and legs start to twitch to the beat. Do you think that I can finally be the best dancer at the christmas party this year ?

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Kanta: Oh my!!!!! Santa certainly doesn't like to hear things like this so close to the Holiday. You seem to be taking it well though. Might I suggest a few more options to you. People who dance at their Christmas parties more often than not make fools of them selves and wind up looking for other employment. Try renting yourself out to a used car lot or maybe Walmarts. That'd be a jolt to business for them 'eh?  Or maybe you could audition for, The Trans Siberian Orchestra and tour with them for the Holiday season! THAT would really be a jolt. If none of these ideas are appealing to you then well... hit the closest bar and just drink something nice until the effects of your shocking accident subside. "Now you're doing the Electric Slliiidddeee!" Merry Christmas. Turn off the lights now would ya' ? I need my rest.

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ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS ... by Kanta Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Santa, I am missing my two front teeth and today at our second grade Christmas party all my classmates laughed at me and called me names. They wouldn't let me play in any games either. They hurt my feelings and now I'm sad. To make myself feel better I think I should give all my classmates a gift. Actually, two gifts a piece, can you please bring me a ball peen hammer and oh, say 40 front teeth?

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Kanta: Oh for pity's sakes! Herbie!!!!!!!! What part of the song didn't you get? I know if you've been bad or good so, c'mon. I know your goal is to be "a DENTIST". The entire world hears it every year when they watch "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer".  I miss Burl Ives, I wish he was here. He'd catch wind of your stunt with the hammer and well, he'd have slapped your teeth out. So lighten up would ya' ? You've got enough business dealing with those candy crazy, Baileys swilling, over zealous elves of mine. Can you believe some of them are over 100 years old!? I can't believe you would look in their mouths, Ick. I guess the moral of the story is this, there is no more co-pay for their office visits/exams/false extractions/etc. Take some of that coal I'm putting in your stocking this year and put that in the little, crazy people's mouths.

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THE GIFT IS IN THE GIVING by Kanta Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Santa, Can I have a new, snow shovel for Christmas? The one I have is old and bent and I can't have my lazy neighbor clearing my driveway with inferior equipment. He seems to like the big, plastic ones.

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Kanta: See now, these are the kinds of letters Santa loves to receive! I mean it. I love it when somebody asks for a present they intend to give to someone else. Wish granted . You're going to be excited too. The elves have built probably the greatest snow shovel of all time. This bad boy has AM/FM radio, GPS, Facebook access, and get this, a HEATED handle! Spiffy huh? There is a bit of a catch though. Your beloved neighbor asked for and he's going to be receiving an, "All Expenses Paid Trip " to southern Florida for the Winter! Poor guy never gets out of the house and well,,,,I'm sending him a really nice sand shovel and pail as well. He's promised to find Santa some shark teeth and make me a necklace for when I join him in early January. Looks like a "WIN" for everybody 'eh? When your new shovel arrives hit me up on Facebook and I'll "share" the photos. Merry Christmas.

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IS SATAN WATCHING MY EVERY MOVE? by Kanta Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear StupidAss Questions & Kanta, I'm scared as h.e. double hockey sticks, I don't know if it is because I'm dyslexic, but I've been getting a lot of cards lately from people threatening me that I better watch out, I better not cry, I better not shout... Satan is watching me. What do you think, is Satan watching me?

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Kanta: "h.e. double hockey sticks?!" Seriously grandma? Why is it every time I get to be on StupidAss Questions you somehow get your question at the front of the line?(I'll deal with the owners of this site later on this one). Ughhh,,,, first off no you aren't dyslexic. If you were you'd have spelled it cixelsyd. My gut reaction to the cards you've been receiving is they're not from Satan but your daughter. (She ain't Satan but she's close. I know.) I love my mother but she's just trying to scare you  and yes, she's watching you. She wants to know when you leave the house so she can come on in and "package  peek!" She does it with me too. Relax and remember, the Christmas nut never falls far from the old tree. (I'm watching too!)

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WHAT'S A NOG? by Santa Kenny Colgin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Santa, I was wondering if there were any other types of Nog, or is there only Egg Nog? What is a nog anyway? Also, what do you think about making some Jello shooters with Egg Nog... we could call them Jellogs?

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Santa (Kenny): Ho, ho, ho, and what?! Oh my. Seems we have another escaped elf on our hands. "Hiccupp", get back to work!  Seriously buddy. You're beginning to bathe your day in this stuff. I'm being honest here. Get back to work!!!!!!!! Leave the "nog" on Big daddy's desk. (This is the new batch isn't it?) Uggghhhhh, right. Ain't it wonderful to be me?! It's a, "Wonderful life." (Jimmy Stewart was at one time an elf. He was real young though. Lost. Listlessly adrift off the bridge of life.) "Hiccupp", is the one who actually saved him.

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CAUGHT by Anita & Gina Marie from TheHausofMimosa

Anita M. Buffem & Gina Marie Rittale from

TheHausofMimosa

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REINDEER CROSSING by Leah Dubie

LEAH DUBIE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Santa, How do they get the reindeer to cross at the “Deer Crossing” signs?

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Leah: There are stiff penalties for not adhering to all signs along the Christmas route.  Reindeer in general make about half as much as their human counterparts.  It’s a glass ceiling that isn’t fair and I don’t have the time to get into it here.  Those poor reindeer cannot afford to waste any more coin on traffic tickets.  Not when they’re blowing most of it at the reindeer lodge on booze and does. 

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REST IN PEACE SANTA by Leah Dubie

LEAH DUBIE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My children have begun asking me if Santa is real. I don’t like to lie to them but I enjoy the excited look they get on Christmas morning when they see what Santa left them. My husband thinks they are getting of the age where they should be told the truth. He says that 13 and 15 is way to long to keep up the sham. How did you handle telling your children?

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Leah: Well, clearly you are home schooling your kids which is way weirder than a 15 year old believing in Santa.  Think about prom.  But as far as breaking bad news to children goes…I think it’s best to pair it with something more terrible that isn’t true.  It makes the truth sting less.  “We’ve legally changed your name to Santa.  There’s no such thing as Santa.  Santa’s dead.”  

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FESTIVUS FOR THE BEST OF US by Joel Richardson

Joel Richardson

Dear Santa, I noticed this year that the government buildings in my area added Kwanza decorations. I celebrate Festivus and was wondering if you think they'd add a Festivus pole as well. They could use a broom handle to save on the cost of a real Festivus pole. AND the best part, NO decorations needed. Thus very cost effective.

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Joel: You should probably use the advice: Pick and choose your battles. If not having a pole up is the worst of your worries, you're doing just fine. Nothing's stopping you from hanging one in your home. Just don't bother the rest of us with your Festivus comeback!

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ELF ON A SHELF by Kenny Colgin

Dear Santa,

I think my husband is cheating on me. We have the Elf on a Shelf watching our kids to find out if they are naughty or nice to report back to Santa. Do you think if I put the elf in our bedroom he would report back to me on my husbands infidelity?

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SANTA: Oh my dear!!!!! This is not a pretty picture that Santa is seeing here at all. Ho, ho, ho, I mean,,,, no, no, no! Infidelity at Christmas? EGAD!! First off, let's make sure you're clear on a few facts. I AM SANTA CLAUS! I see you when you're sleeping, (or sleeping around for that matter), I know if you or anybody else has been bad or good, etc., etc. I don't need an elf on the shelf, (around the work shop we call him "Rat boy"), to help me do my job OK? (I secretly believe Mrs. Claus came up with the idea to spy on me!). But that is another story for another season. Now, back to you. I am pleased to tell you your beloved husband isn't being unfaithful with another woman. Nope. He is however a cheater. Why do you think you haven't beaten him in a game of gin rummy, backgammon, or jenga in over 10 years? What do you think he's been doing when you leave the room to go to the toilet or kitchen? Uh huh, you guessed it. Perhaps you should consider taking the card table or game board with you the next time you two are playing something and you have to leave the room. Either that or start cheating yourself. (Santa has a great book of card tricks that would help you immensely). So, buck up and enjoy the Yule Tide Season my friend and get that elf on the shelf out of there! Merry Christmas and my work is done here in the bathroom so I need to get the cards back to the table before Mrs. Claus returns with the cocoa! Ho, ho, ho.

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DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS by SAQ Staff

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Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I bought my cat his christmas presents and would like to display them under the tree. But, I'm afraid he'll open them before it's time. Should I take them to my friends house until Christmas or hid them in the hall closet?

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SAQ Staff: Our first question to you is... do you realize he’s a CAT? But more important than that, does he still believe in Santa? If you answer yes to either of these 2 questions then we say take the gifts to your friends. If you answer no to the first but yes to the 2nd... seek therapy. Should you answer yes to the first and no to the 2nd... then why bother hiding them. Sit down with you cat and tell him that it’s fun to look at the gifts under the tree and leave them the hell alone and let you enjoy at least ONE thing in your life.

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