FUNCTIONALLY DYSFUNCTIONAL by Rose A. Valenta

ROSE A. VALENTA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, My family is dysfunctional. I usually have to keep sharp instruments away from them when we all eat dinner together at my house. Is it okay if I sprinkle a little Prozac in the Thanksgiving stuffing this year?

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Rose: OMG! Between that and the tryptophan in the turkey and amino acids in all the side dishes, your dinner guests will evolve from having to avoid the “No Hazmat” lane driving to your house for dinner to having to stay overnight. Zombies? My dear, it will kill you!  Trust me, your demeanor and brains will be on the serving dish. No, a better idea is to instigate a knock-down drag-out fight that overflows onto your patio. Turn them into a pack of ravenous flesh-eaters that remember everything anyone ever said about them or did to them for the last 40 years. They had to give my Aunt Clara distemper shot after one of those Hatfield/McCoy dinners at Aunt Thelma’s house once. Thelma caught Aunt Clara in the master bathroom taking pictures with her cell phone of everything in the linen closet and medicine cabinet, so Clara bit her. Apparently, Thelma went over to Clara’s house the month before and did the same thing. Thelma posted a picture of one of Clara’s dry-rotted diaphragms (circa 1975) that she found in the back of the closet and posted it on Pinterest with a caption “Sculpture by Clara Tawes after Andy Warhol.” Boy was Clara mad! So, she tried to even the score.

Of course, in order to successfully pull this off, you will have to hide all your breakable valuables, but look at the bright side, they will all obligingly leave early and your family will have more left-overs to nibble on during the night and you won’t have to go to your neighbor’s house to steal food.

Enjoy yourself!

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BITCHGIVING by Rose A. Valenta

ROSE A. VALENTA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, My best friend asked me for my famous “Secret Sweet Potato Casserole” recipe to serve her guests this Thanksgiving. It’s so delicious & I just know she won’t give me the credit for it. She’s such a selfish bitch like that. What should I do?

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Rose: If you are not invited, leave out a crucial ingredient. If you are invited, insist that you make the casserole and bring it with you (also bring a container of dust bunnies to inconspicuously scatter about the house when she isn’t looking). Throughout the meal, entertain her guests with stories about how well liked your recipe is and elaborate on all the exciting dinners that you have shared it with friends. Also, walk into her kitchen behind her back and remove all the self-love post-notes she has on the refrigerator; especially the one that reads “You are so gifted as a hostess, Martha should be jealous.” You know she has that one, the selfish bitch. If she has a powder room near the kitchen, hide all her scented candles and carefully sneak in there and take a dump – don’t flush.  Make sure that you put at least one dust bunny at the bottom of her candlesticks.

That should get her, the selfish bitch!

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MCTURKEY? by Rose A. Valenta

ROSE A. VALENTA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, I don’t feel like cooking a turkey this year as it’s too much work. Do you think they would be ok with some double cheeseburgers from McDonalds even though I promised them a gourmet 7 course Thanksgiving meal? I'll get fries for everyone.

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Rose: Tacky, tacky, tacky! You simply have to send out for Burger King Turkey Burgers and fries; plus a large container of coleslaw from the deli. Then, kick it up a notch with soup appetizer and awesome sides. Ground beef must absolutely take a back seat to big bird meat on turkey day.

You can accomplish the entire feast effortlessly in Dutch ovens on the range in less than 20 minutes. Each Dutch oven will hold 6 cans. All you need to do is put 2 quarts of water in the pots and place the opened cans in them. Wear thermal gloves to remove the hot cans.

If your in-laws are coming, put caution tape across the entrance to your kitchen and tell them you are getting work done and they must not go in there, as your homeowners/rental liability insurance has expired along with Obamacare. After all, you don’t want to give away your culinary secrets.

In the first Dutch oven, set 5 or 6 (depending on the number of guests) opened cans of your favorite Chunky soup right in the water and bring to a boil. Turn off the burner. Leave the cans in there until you are ready to serve. They will be piping hot.

In the second pot, put 5 cans of your favorite veggies, plus a can of yams for your more traditional guests, who like sweet potatoes with turkey meat. Bring the water to a boil and turn off the burner. Notice, this is an energy saver too.

Open the store bought coleslaw and pour it into a family heirloom serving bowl. Place each of the turkey burgers on a holiday serving dish.

With your best china, pour the soup into the bowls right out of the hot cans.

After that, drain the veggies from the cans and pour them onto heirloom plates.  I think you are giving your guests about 14 courses already!

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HOME DEPOT DOES THANKSGIVING by Rose A. Valenta

ROSE A. VALENTA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, I forgot to un-thaw the turkey for Thanksgiving dinner and we are eating in 4 hours. I was thinking of a blow torch, any other ideas?

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Rose: You are in luck! Home Depot is having a one-day-only sale on Cement Circular Saws and blades. You will need all the proper tools to pull this off:

1 cement saw

1 circular cement blade

2 plastic saw horses

1 3’ x 3’ piece of plywood

4 clamps

1 metal stake

1 blow torch

2 Reynolds Oven Roaster bags

Your recipe for stuffing

2 glass casserole pans

1 First-aid kit (just in case)

1 bottle of mighty fine wine

1 coupon for a family size package of pork chops (the other white meat)

Set up the saw horses in your back yard and clamp the plywood to them. Get the frozen turkey and run a stake through its little heart into the plywood, so that it doesn’t feel anything. Drink 8 ounces of wine. Insert the saw blade into the saw. Turn on the saw and cut the thing lengthwise down the center so that you have two open cavities each with a wing and leg. Drink more wine. Hit it with the blow torch – 6 minutes on each side. Stuff both cavities with your filling. Drink more wine. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Put a half-bird in each of the oven roaster bags along with the rest of the wine, if any. Poke three small holes in each bag. Put each bag in a pan and roast in the oven for 2 hours and 30 minutes. Whew!

If all fails, you are too drunk to go to the supermarket for the pork chops, so send a guest. By all means, reuse the turkey stuffing with the chops - don’t drink and drive.   Happy Thanksgiving!

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UNIVITED GUESTS by Rose A. Valenta

ROSE A. VALENTA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, My family and I love Thanksgiving leftovers but because there are 12 of us we don't usually have any. I know my neighbor does so do you think we could knock on her door and act like she had invited us?

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Rose: Before you do anything, turn off your cell phones and pagers out of respect. Please dress appropriately by wearing something on your feet. 

Now, this is where "love thy neighbor" can withstand the ultimate test, especially on Thanksgiving. You know they love you and your two hound dogs, so feel free to mosey on over there at 2:00 am, when you normally get up to raid the refrigerator and make her food your own.  Be considerate, don’t wake her up. Bring some hot sauce for the turkey tail, if it is still left over, but don't fight over it, or you will interrupt her REM sleep and ruin the ultimate test. 

Train your hounds to sound like they are starving (in case you get caught); you know, that low monotone maudlin sounding death-groan like the one Old Yeller let out before he passed on. Desserts don't keep well in the refrigerator, so make sure to scoff down all the pumpkin and coconut custard pie, and give the mince meat to Old Blue. Make Blue lick all the plates clean, so your neighbor won’t have to wash the dishes.

If all goes well, be neighborly and leave a few Chinese Fortune Cookies behind on the kitchen table. At least one of the fortunes should read "People in your surroundings will be more cooperative than usual, this includes the Bumpuses."

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DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN.... did ya? by Joseph Conklin

JOSEPH CONKLIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Joseph, I’m addicted to all things psychic. Ya know, psychic hot lines, psychic fairs, psychic books. Its gotten costly and at times I can’t feed my kids. Are there rehabs for people like me or should I open my own psychic hotline to pay for my habit. Sometimes I know things so maybe I AM psychic.

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Joseph: Then you already know what I'm gonna say about rehabs for you... but what you may not have known was orange laser-tag Neil Armstrong Tasmanian devil Voltron! Ha! Didn't see that coming did you!  Seriously get help, you have kids whats wrong with you, your true priority should be THUNDERCATS! Ha, didn't see that one coming either did you!  If you did, call me now.

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DRESS FOR SUCCESS by Joseph Conklin

JOSEPH CONKLIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m on unemployment and in order to get my check I have to go down to the unemployment office & apply for jobs or they stop sending my check. Should I dress for success or walk in with my burlap sack?

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Joseph:

Dear Stupid Ass Questioner: 

Always dress for success. Always. Fool them into believing that the only thing you want in this world is successfully being employed. Then, when they are at their highest expectations of you and have their guard lowered by your appearance thats when you fail them miserably. No matter how hard they try to get you employed, screw it up. They'll blame themselves out of pure sympathy for your lethargy masquerading as occupational retardation and continue sending you your check so you don't have to wear that burlap sack.

You're Welcome.

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DOGGIE EATING DISORDER by Joseph Conklin

JOSEPH CONKLIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Joseph, Do you think it's possible to give a dog an eating disorder?

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Joseph: 

Dear Stupid Ass Questioner,

Now, what could you possibly want to give a dog an eating disorder for? No, seriously it totally matters what the occasion is - is it the dogs birthday, is it for Christmas or what? Because if it's for it's birthday and you want to get the dog a cake but you don't want the dog to get fat from said cake then you're gonna have to go for doggie bulimia, which whether you like it or not is going to require you to stick a couple of fingers down that dogs throat (they don't have fingers of their own, mind you) and logically, depending on the breed of dog this could prove to be very hazardous for your hand. If its the dogs birthday, I would just go with heavy verbal guilt about the dogs weight until it doesn't even look at that cake. Best bet. 

Now if it's for a holiday such as Christmas well the best way to give it an eating disorder is let it eat like a pig, then only give it coal as a gift so it gets the point that nobody loves a four legged fatty. This is the same result you'd be aiming for with the verbal birthday cake abuse - anorexia, which is a totally legitimate eating disorder...for dogs.

It's all about the context of your goals because anything is possible if you try hard enough. 

You're Welcome. 

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FOOD CHAIN by Joseph Conklin

JOSEPH CONKLIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Joseph, Do you think skinny people are dumb? Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' NOW, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have NEVER forgotten to eat. Do you have to be a special kind of dumb to forget to eat?

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Joseph:

Dear Stupid Ass Questioner,

Congratulations  you've come to the right person with this inquiry as I posses a Masters Degree in First World Problems. The intelligence quotient of a human being is directly proportionate to their weight which is why smart people in the First World live in places where there is fast food. This is why it is particularly insulting to our intelligence when one of our own has an eating habit of someone who lives in a part of the world where they are still a part of the food chain. How could any civilized human being living in the First World ever forget to eat, unless of course they remember but have no ability to and then well, they're special kind of dumb for being skinny too now aren't they? 

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LANE GIANT by Joseph Conklin

JOSEPH CONKLIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Joseph,  So I want to be a model. I asked my family what they thought about it & they laughed, OUT LOUD in front of me. They said, “oh you mean for Lane Giant”? What do you think they were trying to say?

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Joseph:
Dear Stupid Ass Questioner I do believe they are trying to mock your dreams of becoming a model by calling you too large via a clever play on the name Lane Bryant. I would count my blessings that they at least had the decency to say it out loud in front of you rather than mumbling it behind your back like horrible people. You have a damn good family kid, don't screw it up by embarrassing them by pursuing what is clearly a fool hearted dream of becoming something you're clearly  not.  Stick to standing in the back of family photos where you belong...Lane Giant...hahahahahaha...what a great family!

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UNCIVIL SERVICE... by Dan Burt

DAN BURT

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Dan, I recently took the civil service exam to become a postal carrier. I passed and have been delivering mail for about a month now. Almost every day someone says to me, " How's the weather outside?" I usual say, “Hot, cold, rainy or overcast with a chance of rain. They always seem to appreciate it because at christmas time I get gifts in the mail. Should I quit my job and become a weatherman? I make a lot of money especially during the holiday season.

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DAN: I don't remember who said it, but a wise person once told me "as you think, so you are." If you think you can be a weatherman, then by gosh, go for it! But one word of advice: keep your day job. Civil service is a sweet deal for people with mediocre skills. I'm not saying you have mediocre skills, but you did admit to being a postal carrier.  The good news is you can do both! I've watched local news. The weather only takes five minutes, ten minutes tops if it's storming. Adjust your delivery route, making the news station that hires you the last stop. While the anchors talk about the latest celebrity haircut, deliver the last of the mail to the mailroom, change into weatherman clothes, and get ready for show time! (don't overdo the jazz hands).  I know well-behaved weather can be boring, so it's up to you to make it interesting. I suggest adding a sidekick(s). People like cute animals and I'm sure you see plenty of them while delivering the mail. Keep an eye out for a charismatic critter that you can kidnap and use to draw an audience. If you ask me (and I think you did), I'd say take a lesson from Bob Ross 

( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98yVU8w0tyc) and get a squirrel. Bob Ross was an unknown starving artist until he started painting in the company of squirrels. People would tune into his program every week, watching the playful scamps poke their head out of Bob's bushy hair every few seconds, then suddenly retreat back to the safety of his scalp. All the while, Bob would continue painting, talking about happy little trees and acting like it wasn't unusual to have a fro full of squirrels.

If you can't grow a fro, a wig would be a wise investment.

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SHOUT OUT by Dan Burt

DAN BURT

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Dan,  I don’t have a computer so I don’t have followers but I don’t want to be out of the loop. Would it be the same if I purchased a megaphone and every so often shout out what I’m doing?  I could yell out stuff like, “Taking a crap,  Just had coffee with cream and sugar at Starbucks, or Having affair with my neighbors wife”. Ya know, stuff like that.

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DAN: The megaphone is one of the earliest tools in history used for social media. Many showmen, entrepreneurs, and prophets such as P.T. Barnum, Henry Ford, and Charles Manson got their start using this simple, but effective instrument. Nowadays, megaphones are mostly used for shouting instructions to the panicked masses after disasters, warning crowds about impending calamities, or asking people to come out with their hands up. But using a megaphone to draw attention and followers instead of a computer is a brave, retro move that places you in good company among the most beloved citizens of modern society--the hipsters.

If you want to attract a lot of sycophantic followers, I recommend yelling stuff that's a bit more entertaining (though the salacious information about your affair with the neighbor's wife may pique some interest, especially from your neighbor). Here's some things you could shout:

-I frightened off one of the woolly mammoths that keeps ransacking my vegetable patch.

-Pink just arrived at my cabin for the video shoot tomorrow at the lake.

-I'm in trouble, y'all! My lucrative business may lose its non-profit status if I don't get rid of all this money. Can you help a brother, out?

The key to public yelling to build a following is to be entertaining and interesting and not let the truth (or the cops) distract you. So grab your horn and claim your corn(-er).

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COFFEE, PART OF THE FOOD PYRAMID by Dan Burt

DAN BURT

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I just took my omega 3-6-9 complex with coffee instead of food as directed. That's probably ok because coffee does come from beans and beans are food right?

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DAN: Coffee, like pudding and mac and cheese, is most definitely a food! The caffeine gives the omega 3-6-9 complex a bit of a boost, especially the 9 part.

Not only is coffee a food, but it has magical healing properties as well, healing properties not found anywhere else in nature. For instance, both 

Dr. Gupta (CNN) and Dr. Oz (Oprah) have both touted the benefits of coffee enemas. According to a New England Journal of Medicine study, people who received regular coffee enemas experienced:

-less road rage.

-increased poetry comprehension.

-being asked by strangers if they had just left a Starbucks.

Note: some people receiving coffee enemas complained about colon chatter, whimsical sphincter, and camel toe cramps, but so far tests to confirm a link to these symptoms have proven inconclusive.

So coffee is great for both ends. Let's see waffles and pudding do that! (They can't; I tried).

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CRY BABY by Dan Burt

DAN BURT

Dear Stupid Ass Questions,  I'm babysitting and the baby keeps crying. Would it be a bad thing if I put the dogs bark collar on the baby?

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DAN: There is only one word to describe your solution of placing a bark collar on a crying baby--genius! Your innovation and creativity are the only reasons I maintain faith in the future of the human race. The good thing about babies is that most of them are fast learners. The bark collar will help them quickly focus on effectively shutting their cry hole.

Though only a minor concern, you may want to consider (briefly) why the baby is crying. Based on my experience, here is a handy list of causes to look for:

1. The baby is hungry. Remedy: feed the baby lots and lots of pudding (alternative: feed the baby lots and lots of mac and cheese).

2. The baby is in pain. Look for these signs:

-thorn in the baby's paw

-claw marks from a jealous pet

-singed tongue from licking electrical outlets

-one or more mousetraps snapped shut on one or more appendages

-burnt baby hands from touching the stove you forgot to turn off after making pudding and/or mac and cheese

3. The baby is sick and spewing pudding. Check to see if the baby has a fever. To do this, put on oven mitts and place the baby in a tub of water. If the water boils, remove the baby before poaching occurs.

Note: In cases where the baby will not shut up because of pain and/or sickness, and there is no sound-proof closet available, it is acceptable as a last resort to seek medical help (a small-animal veterinarian or local zookeeper are viable options).

4. The baby is a brat (the reason for 95% of crying baby cases). Remedy: time to strap on the bark collar. For slow learners, loudly play the soundtrack to my musical "Dingo Serenade" (contact me for special offers on the soundtrack and/or permission to perform the play "Dingo Serenade" at your local community theater).

Remember, the children are our future. Teach them well with bark collars so the next generation doesn't grow up to be a bunch of crybabies.

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AS YOU THINK, SO YOU ARE by Dan Burt

DAN BURT

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I've heard that as you think, so you are. Does that mean I'm a pig? I've been thinking about bacon for a week now.

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DAN: Don't go rooting around in the slop bucket just yet. I think you are confusing "as you think, so you are" with the scientifically proven adage "you are what you eat." While the former is more of a philosophy, the latter is a fact. Thinking about food will not turn you into the source of that food, but eating pounds and pounds of bacon in a week will most assuredly eventually lead to a porcine appearance. To put it another way, you can think about dessert all you want, even while standing on your head on a plate in a corner, but that won't make you a pineapple upside down cake. Eat a cake a day, though, and you will develop a serious case of Bundt butt. 

As a philosophy, "as you think, so you are" has helped many people throughout history. Andrew Carnegie, who started the modern positive thinking movement, knew the power of the mind. Positive thinking helped him build successful businesses and wealth before he squandered his fortune after contracting philanthropy.

Today, positive thinking has been repackaged as The Secret (endorsed by Oprah). I've had mixed results using the techniques. Once, I wished for a hundred million dollars for a couple of weeks and won two small lotteries for a grand total of only nine hundred thousand dollars. That's not even one percent of what I was wishing for! Needless to say, I was disappointed. I ended up buying a couple of yachts which were hijacked by pirates. On a positive (thinking) note, I'm thrilled that authorities have not suspected me of the many neighborhood shed break-ins that have been occurring lately.

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