SEX & MICHAEL DOUGLAS by Thomas J. Bellezza

THOMAS J. BELLEZZA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just read that Michael Douglas got throat cancer from having oral sex with woman. Does this apply to oral sex with men as well?

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Thomas: Men don't like talking during sex so you should be fine. Also, we really don't place much merit into individuals who have no value in our lives anymore. Since the “War of the roses” who really cared about Michael Douglas? He had cancer of the throat from doing Wall Street 2. It was Gods way of punishing him for wasting all our time. The good news, he survived, so now we can wait for the next stupid ass movie he makes to come out. He was good in Spartacus though. Oh wait, that was his dad. I almost Douglas myself into a grave.

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WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT? by Thomas J. Bellezza

THOMAS J. BELLEZZA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Thomas, Is it true that the story of, "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" isn’t true?

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THOMAS: False. Truth be told, it is a fictitious fable truthfully being spread among backbiting aspersions as calumny deceitfully falsified with guile in an inaccurate slander tale with a tiny white lie in which there were no libel action to such a fraudulent misstatement to any disinformation distorted in any dishonest fabrication misrepresented in such a tall story. In other words, it is a whopper thing. I hope that answered your question. If it didn't, I have a small confession to make; Green colors taste like purple people eaters with one eye one horn sexy dances.

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SAFE SEX by Thomas J. Bellezza

THOMAS J. BELLEZZA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Thomas, While I was in the drugstore yesterday the woman in front of me was purchasing a box of condoms AND a pregnancy test. I’ve just been buying condoms...... should I be worried I’m pregnant?

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THOMAS: I wouldn't think anything into it. See, there is this new stupid ass challenge going around where a person snorts one condom up their nose and pulls it out their mouth-hole. I am sure that's all that is happening. Then, since they are most likely doing the condom challenge, and know they are morons, they are additionally being responsible enough to check to see for pregger possibilities. Of course, it is best to assume this was all an illusion for you as I am hypothesizing you are on some random hallucinogen. In that case, this answer to your stupid ass question is probably not even happening right now. I am also beginning to wonder if you were a child using a fork at 15 months and your mother smacked you on the back your head. In that case, time travel is happening and you are welcome.

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PROPER PARENTING by Thomas Bellezza

THOMAS J. BELLEZZA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Thomas, My 15 month old child eats with a fork all by herself. My child care book says they aren't suppose to start till they are three. Should I slap it out of her hand?

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THOMAS: As I am as useful as hen poop on a pump handle, compared to a professional doctor, take my advice lightly; Smack your child on the back of the head about one inch before the fork is in the mouth. Not only will this teach the child never to use a fork again, but also help you realize you might not be right for parenting. What the FORK is wrong with you? Your child is going to have brain damage just because she is related to you, so there should be no serious damage done. My major advice is; please take on additional help by bringing in a professional parent. You can find suitable parents at (http://www.adoptuskids.org/). Personally, I allow my children to use sporks. This is so when they pierce their face with the pointy part blood can drain directly into the cup area of the spoon. It makes clean up so much easier. Thinking outside the box here; have you ever thought about taking parenting lessons from Michael Jackson? I know he is dead, but it seems even he is doing a better job at this point... oh wait... FORK, okay, never mind that. Go thy way to a nunnery.

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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, Why is it every time I fly on an airplane these days, I wind up seated next to a beautiful woman from another country, but I can't hit on her because she doesn’t understand what I'm saying? Doesn't anybody speak, "plane English" anymore? That and I thought certain hand gestures were supposed to be universal?

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Dear Donald Trump, Let me put this plainly, unless you’re seated next to Miss. Utah & she’s creating FAA education better, there is no such thing as plane English.  But it sounds like you may not be using the right hand gestures. With your hair & marital status, your best bet to close the deal is to put your thumb & middle finger together & then hold them up to your mouth as you squint & inhale deeply.  If that doesn’t work, try showing them your name on the Forbes List of billionaires.

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HONEY'S BOO BOO by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, There is chocolate bread and chocolate spread so do you think that if I made a chocolate sandwich I should use mayo or mustard? I’d add chocolate meat but I can’t find it anywhere.

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Dear Mama Honey Boo Boo, Let’s not go backwards. You’ve already lost 115 pounds which if you put it in a bikini by itself is enough to compete in a beauty pageant.  Why not make healthier long-term decisions? For delicious chocolate meat with bread & a spread, I recommend seeing what Seal is up to. I hear he’s back on the market & may be interested in making his ex jealous.  Best of luck - go get ‘em mama bear.

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TAKING FLIGHT by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My son got a free trip to Australia. It's a 15 hour flight, but I think I could stay curled up in luggage that long. Should I try it at home first just to be sure I can?

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GISELE: Not necessary - Australia was invented by the British as a dumping ground for baggage. So history has already proved it can be done.  But don’t forget - while you might be more comfortable traveling in luggage, you’ll probably still have to pay the airline baggage fee. There’s really only one reasonable solution to getting in on your son’s free trip: you’ll have to kill him & assume his identity. Enjoy your vacation down under while your son is 6 feet under!

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RACISM & PAULA DEEN vs by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, How many Mexícan’s does it take to build a... Oh shit! They're done. Ok so how many Puerto Ricans does it take to put in a light bulb?

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Dear Paula Deen, I know you’ve got lots of time on your hands now that the networks are dropping your contracts faster than a bong out of a 36th floor window in Amanda Bynes’ apartment, but I think you already have enough legal trouble. If you insist on employing racism, I suggest filling out a management application at Walmart.

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PROPER SOCIAL NETWORK ETIQUETTE by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I'm eating blueberries right now.... is this worthy of a tweet or should I just post it on Facebook?

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Dear Smurfette, This sounds more like a situation for Grinder. But if you insist on going this direction, I recommend calling Kris Jenner to see if there’s a way to cash in on it unless you want to live on shrooms the rest of your life.  Personally I think you’d be better off going on the run with Dora cuz that girl be tripping thinking her back-pack & even stars be talking to her.  Her only friend is flunky Wizard of Oz monkey in a pair of Dorthy’s work shoes. Just think about it cuz I think you two could help each other.

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