TOILET PAPER ORIGAMI by Elaine Ballace

ELAINE BALLACE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: So when you're in somebody's home and in the restroom and folding the toilet paper into little origami things is that weird? What about the airport? (Look at that little bird. It's such a cute little thing). Please advise.

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Elaine: My advice is DO NOT let anyone know of this great talent, for then they might take advantage of it and you will be spending all of your time in bathrooms.

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CRIMMINAL INTENT by Elaine Ballace

ELAINE BALLACE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I love peanut butter and while shopping recently I noticed that there are so many new kinds. Do you think it would be ok to take a spoon to the store to find out which ones I like best?

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Elaine: NEVER, EVER BE CAUGHT WITH PROPS IN A STORE, WHILE COMMITTING A CRIME! THAT IS WHY GROCERCY STORES CARRY CELERY...YOU TEST THE PRODUCT & EAT THE EVIDENCE! ENJOY!

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GATEWAY DRUGS by Elaine Ballace

ELAINE BALLACE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is it true that Thursday is actually a safe, gateway drug to Friday? I'm confused, I don't want to do drugs but I really want to do Friday.

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Elaine: "I'M CONFUSED???"  DO YOU SPEAK BLONDE?  NO WORRIES, FOR THURSDAY IS REALLY THE "OVER THE HUMP DAY," SO YOU CAN DO FRIDAY, WITH NO PROBLEM!

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SWEET ADVICE by Elizabeth Church

ELIZABETH CHURCH

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I’m addicted to chocolate. Should I call Dr. Drew? 

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Elizabeth: Well if your level of addiction gets to the point that if you are without chocolate for a day or two, and you find yourself in the fetal position naked with the shakes Then yes I would recommend that you call right away.  Also I’m wondering maybe it’s not the chocolate that you are addicted too, but if it is the aphrodisiac in the chocolate that you are craving? Maybe you are not getting enough ‘special cuddle time? So if you are going to call I recommend Dr. Drew’s loveline.

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BORN IN A MANGER by Elizabeth Church

ELIZABETH CHURCH

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, My mother is always saying to me, "Were you brought up in a barn?" Wouldn't she know?

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Elizabeth: So if you were raised in a barn does this mean that you were born in a manger? This is kind of embarrassing but I have a little crush on you, the whole turning water into whine thing very nice! Ok to answer the second part of your question,  Isn’t it funny when parents are trying to insult you yet they end up awkwardly doing it to themselves  Kind of like when I call my own kids SOB’s I’m joking.

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VACATION by Elizabeth Church

ELIZABETH CHURCH

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I've got one more week until my vacation and I was wondering.... do you think it would be proper to loaf all week and let the younger people do all the work even though they're all not as gifted as I am in the work place?

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Elizabeth: I don’t think trusting anyone to do your work for you is a good idea especially younger less gifted people. They will never measure up to your standards and expectations and you may find your vacation to be a permanent one.

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IT DOES A BODY GOOD by Elizabeth Church

ELIZABETH CHURCH

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I was reading an article in which the person writing said. "I laughed my ass off". Does that really work?

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Elizabeth, Well that would really depend on the size of your ass and the amount of laughing you will be doing. Since laughing actually burns 1.3 calories per minute I suggest hanging out with more comedians. Depending on how funny the person is they could possibly double as a fitness guru?! Laughter does the body good.

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BACON CHAPSTICK by Marv Ellis

MARV ELLIS

Dear Stupid Ass Questions,  My lips get very dry so I use lots of chapstick. It’s getting costly so do you think it's ok to rub butter and bacon grease all over my lips? I notice it gives them a nice shine and it's a lot cheaper, plus it tastes good. Problem is I keep licking it off all day and applying more. AND  not only do people look at me strange when I take a stick of butter out of my purse and start slathering it all over my mouth but, dogs follow me everywhere. Is there a better way?

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MARV: The use of butter and pork products as moisturizers isn't exactly my strong suit, so I'm passing this stupid ass question over to my good Amish buddy Billy Joe Jedidiah Jacob! Take it away brotha!

BJJJ: Wull, I recon thems stuff you's usin is of high qualerty ors ya wouldn't be able to talk out that there question-- but I's gots a better idear fer applercation! Mix da butter and da bacern grease tagedder in a kettle and takes it over to the ice house. When it turns gelatinous, stuff it down insides yer used up Chapstick (tm) cannisters and reuse them! This way people won't stares at you weird like they stares at ma Amish clan when we pile in da van and heads ta Walmart (tm). Specially when da horse gets tired a pullin and we all gots ta get out and push. Pushin a van to Walmart is a pain in the ass seeing as we's in our Sunday best. Not like we're goin to the doller store!

As ta da issues with them critters-- we use skunk scent over the butter and bacern grease to ward em off. Seems ta do da trick reeeeeal nice like! In facts, we's Amish men uses it for other wardin off applercations too-- like when the lady folk start whining about their day--

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NUDIE BAR by Marv Ellis

MARV ELLIS

Dear Stupid Ass Questions,  The other day I got a phone call from someone who asked me if I was, "decent". I wasn't sure how to respond you know with all the slang and miss use of the vocabulary that goes on today in the world. What do you suppose this person meant?  P.S., I told him I was having a bad day and then proceeded to tell my tale of woes. A few minutes into my story the line went dead. Should I have my phone company check to see if there is something wrong with my line?

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MARV: What a stroke of luck-- I actually work for the phone company doing repair work! Though I am a master at talking customers into just relying on their cell phone then heading to the nudie bar-- I'll put a little more effort into this issue-- seeing as I am at the nudie bar now. Free nudie bar wifi!! Can't beat it!

My first question is-- are you decent? If you are, no problem-- I'm at the nudie bar. If not, come on over and lemme get a gander at ya! I'm assuming you are a lady, as you related that you had no problem with whining about your day.

Second question is-- when the line "went dead"-- did you hear a gun shot on the other end of the line, choking noises, slitting of wrists etc? That would indicate to me that the caller was a male-- seeing as that is our natural desired reaction to listening to some woman whine about her day.

I don't have a third question because the Hooters girls just got here to the nudie bar and I'm a bit distracted. Bye fer now--

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PIT BULLIED by Marv Ellis

MARV ELLIS

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, Our mailman is trying to get money from my neighbors by walking up on their unsuspecting pit bull. He's just a dog and is doing what dogs do, protect. Should I report her to the SPCA for scaring the dog into biting her?

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MARV: This is a troubling question-- one that, due to liability issues I cannot answer. So I called my good friend and local Postmaster Dick Johnson concerning the situation. Here's what he had to say-- as I turned on the recorder and fell asleep on the john--

My first concern is that the pit bull in question is "Unsuspecting". Usually pit bulls suspect everything-- then attack it! The dog should be taken to the vet, or Michael Vick IMMEDIATELY to be retrained in the fine arts of pitbulling.

As for my sister in the field-- she's just probably nearing retirement and needs the extra cash. The postal service hasn't been doing too well lately and pension funds have suffered. Not sure if we even have one anymore. So please, do NOT report her for this incident! In fact, do NOT report any postal worker to anybody for anything EVER!!! We know where you live---

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STUDIES, STUDIES, STUDIES by Marv Ellis

MARV ELLIS

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, Studies have been done on the effect of what imagining can do to ones body so, everyday I lay on my couch eating a box of chocolates. During commercials I imagine myself working really hard at the gym. So far I've gained about 50 lbs. I must be doing something wrong. However, I am not one to give up so I'll keep trying. I mean after all aren't these studies always right?

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MARV: Studies indicate that not all studies are correct! But then again, that study may be incorrect as well. Which would make it correct-- I guess-- but I could be wrong. Anyhow, I believe we may have stumbled upon something that may need to be studied. That is the combination of "Imagining" and "Weight Gain". You see-- I used to imagine that my ex-wife was the most beautiful woman in the world. Then she started gaining weight. So to perform my husbandly duties, I had to imagine harder. She gained more weight. So then I had to imagine she was someone else-- holy hell more weight! Then I had to imagine "I" was someone else-- MY DEAR GOD MORE WEIGHT! With all my imagination, my ex-barracuda packed on 150lbs!!

So it appears that imagination has DIRE CONSEQUENCES on the body and should be eliminated from your daily diet-- and not the box of chocolates. Imagine that!

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NIKITA DRILL vs THE DENTIST by Marv Ellis

MARV ELLIS

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  My child’s baby teeth are starting to fall out. Sometimes they are just hanging and she wants me to pull it the rest of the way out, its gross. Should I just take her to the dentist and have them all yanked out? OR should I get my husband’s Nakita drill out and do it myself?

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MARV: The usage of Nakita Drills (tm) in home dentistry has been the subject of much debate over the years-- usually by people with a lot of extra time on their hands-- because they are too stupid to function in society. Somehow they do figure out how to use a computer and post the trials and hilarious errors of Nakita Drill (tm) home dentistry attempts on youtube.com! Then a really funny guy on some comedy channel gathers them together and makes fun of them for a living. So here's what you do-- get your whiney, gross, tooth losing (What's the deal? Is your kid a hillbilly!?) daughter and plop her down in front of the boob tube and show her what's going to happen if she keeps nagging you about her teeth falling out! That'll put an end to that! While she is watching-- gather together some videos of people puking-- that'll put an end to her costly food habit too!

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