AMISH OR MENNONITES by Mary Patterson

MARY PATTERSON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I am Amish but I see the Mennonites get to do more stuff. Like use cars. Would it be wrong to switch to being a Mennonite? They seem to be having more fun.

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MARY P: Confession: I had to google Mennonite. Based on my thoroughly extensive research (I scanned the Mennonite Wikipedia page for less than a minute), I think they seem waaayyy cooler. Go for it. Do you live in the same town as parents who would judge for jumping Amish ship? If not, I see no reason why you shouldn’t cut a huge slice of the Mennonite pie. If you do live in the same town as them, or worse, with them, you should say it’s time for you to find yourself out West – FYI, that’s where all white people go when they don’t know what they want to do with their lives but they do know they want to get the F outta their home town. Good luck. 

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SPAM by Mary Patterson

MARY PATTERSON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I make my husband a sandwich for lunch everyday. Today when making it I noticed I am out of lunchmeat. Do you think he would know if I used cat food and said it was a new deli spread by spam? Gosh if he likes it, it's a lot cheaper than cold cuts and I could buy that new dress I have been wanting.

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MARY: Is your husband abusive and/or a total jerk? If not, I think this is kinda cruel and he might get an “anonymous” note really soon from someone concerned that his wife’s a crazy beast. 

PS There are functioning humans actually eating Spam on the reg? If he readily agrees to eat a Spam product, maybe it’s you who should be reconsidering the relationship. 

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DEAD FISH & RELATIVES by Mary Patterson

MARY PATTERSON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, My cousin stayed on my couch for 6 months. Which, by the way was only to be for one night. Anyway, when she finally left ( today) she forgot her purse. Would it be ok if I took all the money out of her wallet then say I found it on the sidewalk like that? I mean she did eat a lot of my food & watched my TV.

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MARY: First of all, your cousin sounds like a real leach. Did she pay you any rent money while she invaded your space for HALF A YEAR? I’d be surprised if this mooch actually has cash in her wallet but if she does, you’re certainly entitled to some of it. I don’t think “finding it on the sidewalk” is a believable story, however. When she realizes she forgot the purse and comes by to get it, casually mention that you went ahead and took out x amount of dollars to put toward her rent contributions, retroactively. And say it real matter o’ fact like. Make her think it was her idea! You’re welcome.

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EARN BIG $ BY WORKING AT HOME by Kenny Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I got an email the other day about earning thousands of dollars by working from home? It sounds so great & I’d love to get back to work again after having no job for a year. All I have to do to get started is send them a one-time fee of a thousand dollars & they'll send me information on how to do it. My question is should I send a check, use my credit card, or money order? I can’t understand why more people don’t do this.

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Kenny: Oh man this is embarrassing. You've tracked me down. Wouldn't stop until you publicly discredited me huh? Listen. I know you're bored. I know I never call or visit. I also know you've cut me out of the will! (your cat, Mignon, emailed me.) Who feeds their cat rich food like that anyway? Point is I'm sorry Grandma. I mean it this time. I am also, at the time of this writing, as poor as a church mouse. Stone cold busted Betty. Tapped out. No bread. My email to you was a desperate grandbaby's last ditch effort at grabbing that brass ring. I understand your disgust with me and I promise it won't happen again. (I don't know how you figured out is was me though. You're 3/4's senile.). Oh well, it was free to ask. Say, before I let you go though, let me ask you a couple of questions. First, can you leave the cat door unlocked for a change? (I've lost a bunch of weight since I've been poor and think I can squeeze through it now.) Second, what time does your beloved, Mignon, eat dinner?

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ITS A FRUIT RIGHT? by Kenny Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Ever since I went on a diet this morning I'm starving.  Is it ok for me to eat a loaf of hot homemade banana bread with melted butter?  I will be using low fat butter and the bread will have bananas in the mix so I will be getting my fruit right?

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Kenny: I love fresh from the oven banana bread! At the risk of losing my job here at, StupidAss Questions, I would encourage you to quit worrying about your weight and join up with myself and legions of other like minded folks. I worry about my job only because they're all health nuts around here. Why ,I saw the boss just this morning eating the bark off a tree out front. Odd I know. She was scraping it off the tree with her fist! But I digress. My point is being over weight isn't the worst that could happen to you. Heck No!!!!!!! Think of the upside. You can eat whatever you want!!! Whenever you want!!! Sounds cool huh? Thought you'd like that idea.My curly , little tail is wiggling just thinking about you joining up with us. My advice to you is buy more bananas, more flour, etc. and can you grab some chocolate chips as well to throw in there ?Bake, baby Bake! I'll take all your contact info off line and we'll get you signed up for an experience you'll never forget my food-addicted-screw skinny people-new friend. (P.S.,,, we're not a cult or a gang.) We're a club.

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RAT! by Kenny Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love going out to eat but hate how expensive it is. I have been bringing a dead fly with me & placing it in my food at the very end of the meal. They feel bad so they comp my meal. This has worked out so well that I was thinking of bringing a dead rat and putting it under my steak. If the fly gets me a free meal maybe the rat could get me a few thousand bucks from a lawsuit. What do you think? 

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Kenny: Mercy!!! Here's the facts Big Mac. NORMAL people wouldn't be caught dead carrying a dead fly or a rat in their pants! Nope. We carry money. We pay for our food.My word, between you and my Grandmother I don't know who's worse. No wonder a cup of soup or a tuna melt costs an arm and a leg these days. My advice to you, get a job at one of those places you've been ripping off. They'll feed ya'. FREE!!!!!! I see you out somewhere pulling your tricks well,,,, You're headed to Food Court and you're going down. Bon a petit!!

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ITS ONLY SKIN DEEP by Kenny Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I really need a collage scholarship in order to attend college. Should I apply for one for African Americans and just go tanning a lot before the interview?

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Kenny: Homey, Homey, Homey!!!!! What are you thinking? A deep, rich CopperTone tan or any other one won't pass you off as an African American. Believe me I've tried and "brutha" do those folks ever know their own! I suggest you apply to the, I Sleep In The Garage I'm Really A Car College Fund, and show up for the interview revving to go. A mind is a terrible thing to waste but in your case, maybe not. Good luck Bro' .

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TEA PARTY by Kenny Colgin

KENNY COLGIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am having friends over for dinner and want it to look like I spent a lot of money on the beverages. I think that Snapple, would be a good choice but they are too expensive to waste on guests. Would it work if I used my Snapple empties and filled them with a generic powdered mix? I figured I could put clear tape around the top and make it look like they are still sealed.

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Kenny: Ya' know, I don't baffle easily. But once in a while I have been known to waffle. Your question waffled me and I ran straight to our wonderful team (and typically reliable), of culinary and manners experts at Stupid Ass Questions.They all laughed at me. ("You're the wonder boy! Figure this one out by yourself!") Soo, what ? Are you like 5 years old? Having a little tea party on Mom and Pops dime? No, it is not acceptable to empty a Snapple bottle and refill it with anything else. Hey, Ma and Pa are footing the bill. Make them splurge for the big ticket items! You know, like phoney baloney, laffy taffy, all the crap you kids love. On the odd chance, you are an adult with this question/quandry. Oh my!! P.S., my office mates here at Stupid Ass Questions just dropped off an invitation from you for dinner next weekend. They forged my signature. I did not sign it. I don't drink Snapple or ingest, phoney baloney, either. (Enjoy the tea party. Tell Alice I said hey.) 

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STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES by Charlotte Langley

CHARLOTTE LANGLEY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I don’t want to get sick but everyone around me is. I notice that Lysol kills germs on contact so would it be ok to drink it?

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CHARLOTTE: Why yes! Just take one of your Capri Sun straws and stick it right into the nozzle. I really like the Early Morning Breeze flavor™. And if you’re wondering, I like my bleach cocktail shaken, not stirred. Umm, Clorox. It warms the trachea. Now just in case you think I’m serious, you should absolutely NOT drink Lysol or any other household cleaner. My real advice to you, call the poison help line, just don’t expect them to be as funny as me. I’m a professional.

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BIBLIO DIET by Charlotte Langley

CHARLOTTE LANGLEY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My diet says I can have one slice of bread a day. I bought a loaf of un-sliced bread and cut it in half. Then I ate half cuz that's one slice. I keep gaining weight. Is it because I should be using whole wheat?

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CHARLOTTE: Ah yes, the Biblio diet. This is the diet where you choose what you want to hear and use only the bits that you like. This diet is heavy on the guilt and light on the logic. People have been partaking of this diet for thousands of years and it’s only getting worse. My advice to you, try the apathetic diet and eat some who gives a crap pie.

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TICKLE ME ELMO by Charlotte Langley

CHARLOTTE LANGLEY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I’ve been hearing a great deal of talk about Sesame Street.I was wondering.... can you tell me why? 

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Charlotte, Well you’ve come to the right place for straightforward and factual answers. So of course I can tell you why you’ve been hearing about Sesame Street. Do you remember that cute little character called Tickle Me Elmo? Well, let’s just say that Elmo’s “dad” likes to be tickled too and his “dad” likes giving tickles. Turns out, some of the tickled ones might have been too young to be tickled and now they’re saying they didn’t like it. Ok, I’m leaving now.

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DEATH AND FOOD STAMPS by Charlotte Langley

CHARLOTTE LANGLEY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just received the following notice, "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 2013 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." Do you think I could reapply in April?

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CHARLOTTE: Reapply in April? Reapply in April?! Listen Pearl, you’ve have had a major change of circumstances. I don’t know if anyone has told you this, but dead people can’t write. You’re alive Ethel! You’re alive! Now here’s what you have to do. Get your best pants on, your brightest lipstick and your bluest wig. You get in your car and tell them this aint’ no weekend at Bernie’s. You let em’ know that you’re alive and talking and that you need to eat. Now. This aint’ no laughing matter honey. There are two things that I take very seriously. Food and death. Now get out there and show em who’s breathing! Oh, and make sure to take 3 forms of ID with you. 

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ALIEN? by Charlotte Langley

CHARLOTTE LANGLEY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a friend whom I chat with, etc. on a social network and well,,, I think she may be an alien. She's not green or anything like that(at least if she isshe photoshops her pictures), but she says silly things now and then like, "easy peasy lemon squeezee" and the like.) I thinks these phrases are some type of code to her real friends

in space. How should I proceed?

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CHARLOTTE: Dear Triple comma, I suppose it all depends on what you consider an alien. If you’re writing from West Virgina or Kansas, It really it doesn’t take much to come across like an alien. I used to live in the mountains of North Carolina. Back then I’d say really strange things, like, hello, please and thank you. I’d even say excuse me after I burped, that one really confused people. So it goes without saying that they thought I was an alien too. What I’m saying is, get out more! Your friend is no Sigourney Weaver. As a matter of fact, she sounds cute. But if you’re really curious you could always Skype her and see if she’s green. I Skype’d a weird guy once and he definitely wasn’t an alien. 

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RECHARGED AND READY by Katie Schwartz

KATIE SCHWARTZ

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I bought a rechargeable razor that I heard was great for shaving. I tried it under my arms and it sucked my skin into it. I literally had to tear it away from my skin. It left me bleeding and bruised. I spent good money on it. Do you think I should wait till I heal then try again?

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KATIE: No, I think you should keep sucking the skin from underneath your armpit until you reach bone, than you should hit up the other pit, so it doesn’t feel alienated.

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I DID IT MYYYYYYY WAYYYYYY by Katie Schwartz

KATIE SCHWARTZ

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am a graphic designer. Recently I was hired to do a map for a large college campus. To my shock & dismay, the woman in charge is a control freak & insists the map be done her way. Should I just do it the way I want and ignore her? After all, she hired me not herself to do it.

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KATIE: Can we please stop bashing dames for being assertive and talented?! If you do it your way and ignore her instructions, do we think you’ll have a job the following day? Here’s a novel idea, if you think your map is good or better, why not present both to her and see which one she chooses? This is called “thinking outside the box.” You’re welcome. 

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UN ANT ISAPATED by Katie Schwartz

KATIE SCHWARTZ

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have ants in my home ALL over. I just don’t understand it. My landlord told me it’s because I punched a hole in the wall next to my bed to store my candy. I don’t think this is possible. I punched the hole halfway up the wall. Can ants crawl that high? 

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KATIE: My sweet, child, you punched a hole in your plywood wall to store candy? Unwrapped, I hope. I hate to break your heart, but you answered your own question, ants ARE traveling THAT HIGH to get to YOUR candy. What’s your aversion to the refrigerator? Do you eat the ant laden candy? Have you thought of buying an anteater?

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DOLLARS STORE vs. DOLLAR GENERAL by Katie Schwartz

KATIE SCHWARTZ

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I notice a lot of those tank tops for sale. You know, the ones with the built in bra that make you look like you are sportin a uniboob? Is this look suppose to be attractive? Couldn’t I just wrap myself in duct tape and get the same effect? A whole roll of duct tape is only a dollar at the dollar store unless you go to the Dollar General. Then it could be a dollar or more.

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KATIE: I NEED to know the difference between “The Dollar Store” and “The Dollar General Store.” Seriously, you have to tell me. Is the General store where you get name brands or super sized everything? What differentiates them? Please don’t say location. I’ll be heartbroken. Back to the uniboob and your fabulous duct tape idea! Do you want a tank top, a uniboob, a flat rack or all of the above? You must have a large bust if you think you need an entire roll of duct tape. Scratch that—I’m giving you too much credit. My advice… STEP AWAY FROM THE DUCT TAPE.

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DUMBING IT DOWN by Katie Schwartz

KATIE SCHWARTZ

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just got a new job and my boss keeps saying how I productive I am. I feel like maybe I should have started off slower so she wouldn’t expect so much. There is a new position opening up at a different place. Should I apply for that job & when I get it not try so hard so that any little thing I do there they’ll think I’m great?

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KATIE: I love this bit, “My boss keeps saying how I productive I am.” Lots of clarity there! Do you frequently send office memos? I’d love to take a peek at one or two. Do you read the news? Of course, you do. Evidently, all the shlockonomy stories have a strikethrough; otherwise you wouldn’t assume that you’re getting the job simply by applying. Why, if everyone had that attitude, nobody would go hungry or homeless! Well, not everyone. I don’t think it’s possible to dumb down your abilities. For kicks, let’s say you tried; do you know what “expendable” means? Here’s the definition from Dictionary.com, “considered to be not worth keeping or maintaining.” Hmm… now, what do we think? 

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