HOW TO BE A FAMOUS AUTHOR by Jon Huck

JON HUCK

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I wrote to a famous publisher about a book I was thinking of writing. I told her I'd send my manuscript. Would she know if I sent her a book I bought from the bookstore. I can rip off the front and back covers and sign my name.

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JON: I like your thinking on this but I would not send her a book you bought from a bookstore, publishers have read most of those. The best thing to do is to buy a book at the grocery store or even a garage sale. The older looking the pages are, the more likely she is to believe that you have been really working on it for a while. And you can rip the cover off but replace it with a crude crayon drawing of your family – they love that kind of stuff. Good luck. Remember all of us when you are a famous author.

Dear StupidAssQuestions.com:  There is a piano I really want but I just can’t afford it. Should I charge it and then claim bankruptcy? Maybe I should charge some other stuff too while I’m at it… like a car… and a computer… and a milkshake machine. It’s only $399.99 on Amazon.

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ROCK A BY BABY by Jon Huck

JON HUCK

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My baby fell asleep in the car and I didn’t want to wake her so I left her there. It was 29 degrees out so I knew she wouldn’t overheat. I put the dog in with her to keep her warm AND I rolled down the window for air. Am I within the guidelines of child safety? She’s a tough little girl.

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JON, Have you ever read a little book called – “Science”? NEVER leave your dog in the car with your baby! Babies eat dogs!

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BROADWAY WEEK by Jon Huck

JON HUCK

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Broadway week is comin' up and I can get 2 for 1 tickets which is great cuz my 3rd best friend Gina Marie Rittale is a poor. I'd like to take her to see "What's Eating Virginia’s Wolf?" Can you tell me what it's about?

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JON, Just a thought, but I bet your poor friend would rather have money than some tickets to a lame play. But you asked… It’s the follow up play to “What’s eating Gilbert Grape?” This one is about vampires and wolves in the blue ridge mountains of Virginia. It’s a classic. There is a third script in the works called “Take Your Tickets And Shove ‘Em!”. It is being written by Gina Marie Rittale.

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COLD FEET WARM HEART? by Jon Huck

JON HUCK

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I've been really cold lately and I notice my cats are always keeping warm by laying next to the radiator. Should I move my bed to the floor and try this or should I put an electric radiator in bed with me.

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JON: First of all “electric” radiators are a scam perpetrated by the same left wing conspiracy group responsible for getting rid of pull tab beer cans. Secondly, YES! If you see your cats doing anything you should immediately begin mimicking their behavior. How do you think we became the dominate species? Yeah, by imitating house cats. Good lord, how have you lived this long without freezing to death? 

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TEETHING by Jon Huck

JON HUCK

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is there a way to make babies get all their teeth at once because teething is a pain in the ass. Couldn’t I just buy the baby a full set of dentures? I saw them on an infomercial for 29.95 plus shipping and handling.

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JON: Stop watching infomercials and either get a job or go to sleep. Baby dentures are always an option but if you’d like to fix the problem before it starts I recommend eating teeth while you’re pregnant. You can eat human teeth or animal teeth (no fish teeth). This way the baby will be nourished by teeth therefore growing teeth while still in the womb. So if you follow these instructions with your next child he or she will probably be born with a full set of teeth… or they’ll have like teeth coming out of their ears & eyes. Either way – TEETH! Am I right? 

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ARTSY FARTSY by Joel West

JOEL WEST

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My best friend is a GREAT artist & I would love to do the work she does. Could I jack her work, change a few things and scribble out her name then add mine? I could say if people inquire about the scribble that it’s my trademark.    

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Dear Arty,

While I understand the temptation of “jacking” your friend's work, let's unpack this a bit. A friend, is not someone with whom you have exchanged a few pokes on Facebook or has retweeted you. A friend is someone with whom you have a bond of mutual trust and affection. Not somebody who's stuff you “jack”. If you are “jacking” a friend's art, that makes you a sociopath. A sociopath is person who doesn't have a conscience. I suggest that in “jacking” your 'friend's' art work you are betraying a trust and are aiming way too low. You should really be looking at getting a job as CEO of a multinational corporation or running for office.

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FRAUD OR GREAT IDEA by Joel West

JOEL WEST

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My bedroom ceiling just fell in but, I kinda like the extra light it adds to the room. Could I tell the insurance company that there was a sky light there so they replace it with one. I could buy an old window from the junk yard down the street and leave it lying on the floor so that it looks like I was telling the truth. 

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Dear Sunshine,

So your bedroom ceiling fell in. I'm so sorry to hear that. You like the sunlight. Bully for you! You want to defraud the insurance company. How can I say yes? Understand, dear Sunshine, that insurance company adjusters can tell the difference between a properly installed sky light and a window or piece of glass tossed in the pile to look like a sky light. Let's start at the beginning.  Back in the dawn of time, cities developed “building codes” which were designed to make dwellings safe places to live. As well, Insurance companies developed “riders” so that sky lights could be predeclared. I can't stop you from trying to convince your insurance company that you had a sky light but I will predict one of several scenarios:

1: Your insurance company will look at the window laying on the floor and tell you that you are an idiot – result no dollars.

2: They will look at your policy and see that you did not pre-declare a skylight – result no dollars.

3: They will sue your ass for fraud. - result 0 dollars.

I suggest that in your next home, you just drill a hole in the roof.

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STICKY SITUATION by Joel West

JOEL WEST

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I read that if you massage maple syrup into dry hair that it will eliminate frizz. But I find an overwhelming urge to stop at every international house of pancakes I can find. Is this normal?

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JOEL:

Dear Maple

Good grooming is important. If what you need to do to look good is to pour the concentrated, cooked sap of the maple tree onto you hair who am I to judge? If you need to wander around attracting bees and other insects because you read it 'somewhere' then do what you need to do. Keep in mind that many things are written for many reasons and that just seeing it on the Internet doesn't make it true. The real issue is this: Are you getting true syrup or the maple flavored stuff? If IHOP serves the real deal, I say go for it. If they use the lesser stuff, then draw the line. And remember, Caveat Emptor. (Let the buyer beware).

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HOOTERS by Joel West

JOEL WEST

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am very much overweigh & can’t seem to get a job. So I thought I would apply for a job at hooters & then sue them when they don’t hire me. Or, should I go there and burn myself on their wings & sue for that?

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JOEL:

Dear Hootie:

While I understand that this may come as a bit of a shock to you, what you are describing is not called job searching. It has no resemblance to work of any sort. What you are describing is called 'scamming'. Perhaps a small lesson is in order. A 'job' is a place where a person goes every day and does what is commonly called “work” creating goods or providing services. At the end of the week, at a job, the boss gives you something called a 'pay cheque', which you may then take to the bank and deposit to save money, or cash, so as to receive money. This is hugely different than when the lawyer asks you to sign the settlement and then hands you the lump sum payment, which is what it seems you are used to. I suggest that if this is all you have to offer society at this point, that you might start looking at 'jobs' like 'pharmaceutical company guinea pig' or 'sailing ship ballast'.

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VEGAN by Jason Love

JASON LOVE

Dear StupidAssQuestions.com: Recently I become a Vegan.  My only regret about this decision is how much I will miss stopping at Burger King everyday and buying a big juicy burger. I hear tofu takes on the flavor of whatever you put with it. So should I buy a Whopper and put the tofu in the burger?

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JASON: Burger King won’t be your only regret by eating pine nuts and flax seed. You’ll find yourself stooling on people’s windshields. The nice thing about Burger King is that you know when you’re done eating. You could eat 25 pounds of tofu and still crave the Whopper. Bottom line: Friends don’t let friends become vegans.

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ADDICTED by Jason Love

JASON LOVE

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LIAR, LIAR PANTS ON FIRE by Bobbie OLiver

BOBBIE OLIVER

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VODKA OR GIN? by Bobbie Oliver

BOBBIE OLIVER

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BABY DADDY? by Bobbie Oliver

BOBBIE OLIVER

Dear Stupid Ass Questions,

I read in a baby book that my child should be saying words like momma and dada. So far he only says, "When can I use the car". Should I be concerned that he isn’t saying our names?

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Bobbie: I think you should stop asking him "Who's your daddy?"

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JUAN VALDEZ by Bobbie Oliver

BOBBIE OLIVER

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love coffee so much that I just had a mega cup. I want more. Is this normal to want so much? Do you think I was Juan Valdez in another life?

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Bobbie: I don't know about Juan Valdez, but you may have been the donkey. He seemed well-caffeinated.

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CAREERS IN FOOD CONSUMPTION by Bobbie Oliver

BOBBIE OLIVER

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LIQUID PLUMMER? by Mary Tischbein

MARY TISCHBEIN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am parked outside my girlfriend's house right now. She said she was going to bed early but, I just saw a man go in there. Do you think he’s the plummer or something like that?

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MARY: Let's look at the evidence. Your girlfriend said she was going to bed early. She did not say she was going to sleep. You are kind of stalker-y, and don't trust her, so there's a really good chance, you are creepy and needy as well. Of course, that doesn't mean you deserve to be mislead, or lied to. That's why it's important that you not confront her directly, but continue on your current path of passive aggressive behavior. It's a win-win. You will learn things on your own, without relying on an actual direct conversation, and she won't have to be bothered with telling you what is really going on. I am sure he is a plummer. Is that like a plumber? Of someone who does something awesome with plums? If things don't work out with your girlfriend, definitely stay on this guy's tail. There's a story there, dying to be told.

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