BROKEN BUT NOT DOWN by Julie Kitayama

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I fell down my stairs and broke my leg. I really want to sit out in the sun but once I get outside I can’t get back up the stairs. Should I just sleep outside?

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JULIE: It is a summer time and a shame that you'd have to miss most of it stuck inside with a broken leg.  Sleeping outside has its merits but downfalls too.  If you are going to spend the next month or so living outside you have to have the right equipment.  You'll need a tent and unless you live in the dessert and your yard is full of sand, you'll want to have an air mattress.  Dirt is hard.  Renting a port-o-potty is essential.  That costs about $137 a day.  Do you have that extra money?  You'll also need a generator to charge you cell phone which you'll need to call the pizza shop to have all your meals delivered. Perhaps you could get a small refrigerator and have your local grocery shop deliver some groceries.  Keep that in the tent in case it rains.  There is also the insect issue to contend with.  Your leg must be pretty itchy with that cast on it.  If a mosquito were to get down there you'd be in trouble so repellent is essential.  

Sleeping outside isn't your only option.  You can get some sun while enjoying the comforts of your home.  All you need to do is have large sky lights installed in each room of your house.  You'll be able to bask in the sun all day long while watching, “As the World Turns”. Of course as the world does turn you will have to head into other rooms to follow the sun, but at least you won't be stuck down stairs. I know a contractor if you need one.  

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LAWN ART by Julie Kitayama

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My neighbor has been parking his motorcycle out on his front lawn in spite of the fact he has a driveway. Is this a new type of lawn art? Do you think I should be a good neighbor and put a pile of plants on the seat?

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JULIE: If you live in Maine or Tennessee, then this is not lawn art but rather a cultural thing.  For some reason people in these states like to collect old cars and motorcycles that don't run any more and keep them on their lawns.  Quite often they are rusty, tireless and up on cinderblocks. These people are very patriotic and only keep American brands, primarily old Cadillacs in Tennessee and Ford pick up trucks in Maine.  Although they could use some beautification, do not put plants on them.  This is a behavior that should not be encouraged.  If you are not from one of these states then it could very well be lawn art.  The art world is a crazy and complex place where almost anything goes.  My neighbor has a filing cabinet in his yard and when I asked him about it he said that it was an artistic statement against the unnecessary organization of papers.  Who would have thought?  So, as one man's trash is another man's treasure, one man's art is another man's filing cabinet.  Who are we to decide?  So your neighbor has taken it upon himself to create his own art for all to see on his lawn.  You should not add to his art with flowers but rather create your own masterpiece in your yard to also share with the world.  

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ARTSEY FARTSEY by Julie Kitayama

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Art is my passion, my soul, and my one true love. However, after submitting to an art show I received a note back saying that it looked like a preschooler drew it.  What do you think they meant? I’ve seen some pretty good work by preschoolers. Should I write back and thank them?

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JULIE: Being called a preschooler could be considered quite a compliment.  Preschoolers are fresh and wholesome, honest and simple.  Preschoolers have yet to become jaded by life's difficulties and disappointments.  I often call my sweetheart a preschooler, usually after he farts and laughs uncontrollably for several minutes.  Your art must be of the most naive and innocent type to be considered pre-schoolish.  Maybe this is the not only the beginning of your art career but perhaps and entire movement of juvenile art.  Remember the Dada movement?  That was started when a painting was said to look like a father painted it.   As an artist you can't let reviews taint your dream. After all many artists' talents are not truly recognized until well after they are dead.  El Greco's work was considered ridiculous during his life.  One of the most widely known painters, Vincent van Gogh died penniless, an ear short of sane and virtually unknown in the art world. The famous poet Emily Dickenson had only 7 of her almost two thousand poems published before her death.  Sure she locked herself in the house for most of her life and like Van Gogh was considered a bit mad, but don't let poor mental health stop you.  You must pursue your passion at any cost. And no you do not need to send a thank you note.  Although you could dedicate your next scribble to the critic and hope that one day, after you are long gone, that it is worth more that he can afford.  

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COOKING WITH SHAQWEEDA by Julie Kitayama

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love to cook and make up recipes. I’d love to make a cookbook out of all my favorites. Do you think I should change my name to Betsy Crocker? I don't think Shaqweeda May Brown would work so well.

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JULIE: It's all about the demographic you are trying to reach.  Take Jacques Pepin, people buy his cookbooks for French recipes like coq au vin, ratatouille and palmiers.  If you are looking to make Italian food like gnocchi, Osso buco and tiramisu you turn to Mario Batali.  Their names say it all. If you change your name to Betsy Crocker you would probably appeal to the older, more patriotic home cook.  If you keep your name of Shaqweeda May Brown you'd appeal to the more classic, southern home cook.  

I think your recipes can help you decide.  If you've got a great apple pie recipe go with Betsy, if you have a great sweet potato pie recipe, go with Shaqweeda.  Roasted chicken, glazed carrots, dinner rolls and angle food cake recipes...Betsy.  Fried chicken, collard greens, corn bread and red velvet cake recipes...Shaqweeda.  If you want your cookbook to appeal to a broader, more generic home cook you should use the pen name,  Jane Doe-nut.   

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MAMA'S LITTLE BABY by Julie Kitayama

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard that mama’s little baby likes shortnin’ shortnin’, mamma’s little baby likes shortnin’ bread. Is shortnin’ good for babies? I have a 3 month old and will start feeding it to him if it’s ok. Maybe I could melt it down and put it in his bottle?

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JULIE: Boy I'm glad someone is still listening to folk music and taking from it the traditions that have long made this country strong.  Shortnin' bread is good for babies and adults just the same.  The only problem I see is your idea of melting it down.  I don't think that will work.  Shortnin' bread is friend bread dough made of corn meal, flour, baking powder, eggs, hot water and shortnin' so rather than melting it down, you should grind it up in a food processor and then mix it in with your baby's milk a little at a time.  If you don't make your own shortnin' bread just remember, "you can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant, walk right in it's around the back, just a half a mile from the railroad track."  But don't steal it because once they "caught me with the skillet, caught me with the led, caught me with the gal makin' short'nin' bread; Paid six dollars for the skillet, six dollars for the led, Spent six months in jail eatin' short'nin' bread."

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HOLLYWOOD'S NEWEST DIET CRAZE by Caryn Ruby

CARYN RUBY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I hear that if you drink more you will lose more weight. Does it matter if its a particular kind of drink? Like vodka on the rocks, straight scotch or whatever?

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Caryn: Of course it matters what you drink!  How do you think I stay so thin?  Ok, listen closely (well, read carefully then).  Here is the secret that no one in Hollywood has ever shared until now: Before noon, you can only drink gin.  From 12pm-3pm you need to drink rum.  From 3pm-3:15pm drink as much water as you can and eat a salad.  From 3:15pm-7pm strictly tequila, then, wine, then tequila; alternating every 6 minutes.  at 7:30pm go to sleep.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY by Caryn Ruby

CARYN RUBY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My best friends birthday is coming up. She said she wanted a new necklace and earrings but I don’t want to spend the money. She makes necklaces and earrings so would it be ok if I order one from her then just tell her to keep it? And if I do, do I have to pay for it?

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Caryn: I think your friend would be honored that you thought so much of her jewelry line as to buy it for her!  Tell her you would gladly pay her for the jewelry, but since the only *real* cost was for the materials and since she gets to keep them And the related tax deductions anyway, you shouldn't have to pay her back. And don't forget to wish her a happy birthday.

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BABY ON BOARD by Caryn Ruby

CARYN RUBY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is my daughter getting engaged this year? She keeps looking at bridal magazines but she's never had a boyfriend.

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Caryn: No, don't worry.  She already eloped.  Congragulations!  You're going to be a grandmother!

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DRIVE THROUGH by Caryn Ruby

CARYN RUBY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was wondering, Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop? And if I don’t drive thru will I get arrested for loitering?

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Caryn: Well that is just a stupid name. They should seriously rename it, right? (What about drive-in.  Now THAT'S a name that makes sense.  Now part 2 of the question: If you can get to the drive thru, you should be able to go through the drive thru.  If you are on foot, just jump up & down, then it's not loitering.  You should obviously place your order ahead of time so they know what you want, then throw them the money and run by.  Don't expect change.

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SPEED OF LIGHT by Caryn Ruby

CARYN RUBY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a stupid ass question... If you are driving down the road in your car at night and traveling at the speed of light and turn your headlights on, will you be able to see ahead of you???

 

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CARYN: Obviously, when you drive the speed of light you are going backwards, thereby rotating the earth 3 extra degrees which causes the planet to shut down, briefly, before the light explosion; which you will see exactly 4 1/2 feet in front of you. But after that, no.

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STRIP CLUBS by Raymond the Amish Comic

RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am Amish but often frequent strip clubs. I tell my family that I’m going out to the barn and then I hitch a ride into town. I don’t see that this is wrong because I’m not driving there myself. What are your thoughts?

RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC: First of all your family must be lazy because the average Amish makes a trip to the barn every twenty-eight minutes.  You’re lucky they don’t farm more. I think what your doing is fine as long as you tip. Just make sure you don’t get any stripper glitter on yourself or any singles that you’re too cheap to slip into the gee whiz string. If you do get caught with stripper glitter just say that in a moment of weakness you took a tour of the Crayola Factory. It’s easier to explain.

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IPHONE, GOD'S CHOSEN ONE. by Raymond the Amish Comic

RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I Am Amish but secretly bought an iphone. I use it to look up porn and to also buy candy and beer. If my parents find out I will be banished. Do you think the Lord would frown upon this? The apple was in the Garden of Eden, which is why I chose the iphone over all others. I picked (pun intended) the iphone and will only use apple products. So are we good?

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RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC: I’m a big fan of Apple products myself. Although I do become extremely scornful when I purchase the Ipad 2 for $499 and the next day, the new Ipad HD comes out for the same $499 I just paid for my Ipad 2, which is now almost an antique. Apple still offers my tired old Ipad 2 but for the bargain price of $399. So I wallow in self-pity about how much candy and beer I could have ordered online for that one hundred dollars. 

You need to be careful what you use as a shipping address when ordering candy and beer. Telling the UPS man that it’s the house with the wagon wheel doesn’t really narrow it down. I would also caution you to make sure that when you sneak to your city neighbor’s house to plug into an outdoor outlet when they are not home, they do not mistake you for a burglar. Many city folks are quite thrilled to help an Amish person corrupt their lives with technology. You may find that if you knock on their door and say, “Hello, I have an Iphone and I’m Amish, and I have no place to plug it in to charge it” you maybe surprisingly invited in for a beer and a slutty film on Netflix.

As far as downloading porn into your Iphone, you’re just inviting a virus to cripple your network. I think you should ask Siri if God would frown upon your use on an iphone.  

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GAY AMISH by Raymond the Amish Comic

RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am Amish and GAY.  Is this ok? 

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RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC: Define GAY. It is said by the Amish that if you leave the Amish Order, as I have, that you went GAY. Upon my arrival in the city I announced to my new city friends that I went GAY. They were kind enough to drop me off at a GAY bar where I was thrilled to learn there were others like me. I soon learned that GAY in the city has an entirely different meaning. That being said, if you are in fact gay in the city not gay as in you left the Amish, I give you two big rakes way up. The Amish have a sheepish history, and I believe it is hypocritical for them to judge an all-human couple. So take a proud step out of the barn and embrace your Amish gay, you just may have a little trouble getting a date. Back in the day when I was with the Amish, our Amish gays used little signals to let fellow gays know they were available. Some tilted the triangles on their buggies slightly to the left; others wore their hats backwards. The latter is a highly advanced technique that should only be attempted by those who have a keen eye for fashion.

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AMISH DEFECTOR by Raymond the Amish Comic

RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am Amish but I see the Mennonites get to do more stuff. Like use cars. Would it be wrong to switch to being a Mennonite?  They seem to be having more fun. Oh and also we have Amish people who live near us. Is it wrong of me to sneak up and look in their windows? I am sure they are using electrical appliances and I want to catch them. And who should report them to? 

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RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC: You can’t call yourself Amish if you are thinking of joining the Mennonites. This is an Amish outrage. You can’t like The Eagles, The Giants and The Cowboys. You align yourself with one and the rest become enemies. The Amish and The Mennonites are like the Sharks and the Jets without all the dancing, singing, and flamboyant costumes. Also, don’t assume The Mennonites would be anxious to accept an Amish defector. You can’t just flip-flop back and fourth from one to the other. The Amish and The Mennonites are highly exclusive religious cults. They are not Mormons ding-donging at your doorbell trying to recruit new followers. The Amish and The Mennonites don’t even want some of them they have now, hence shunning, which translates to, “Your membership privileges have been temporarily suspended pending a review from the board of conduct”.

It is true that the Mennonites have more fun that plugs in, but the Amish have Rumspringa*. If you have not yet had your Rumspringa break, you may want to take that time to go spy on the Mennonites (an activity you seem to have no problem with) and see how you like it. You risk having the most boring Rumspringa in the history of The Amish. 

As far as sneaking up and looking in their windows, it would be much easier to see if there are any electrical power lines running into their house. You may also be looking through a window of an Amish undercover agent; it could be a set up. You may be risking a shunning of your own in violation of the “judge ye not lest ye be judged” rule. It sounds like you are having the religious version of a sexual identity crisis. Maybe you want to sneak into town and try on some colorful shoes, but beware of someone just like you…watching!

*Rumspringa – A brilliant parental concept where although they know it’s wrong, the Amish acknowledge that everyone should have a few months to run around and get all manure faced on Sauerkraut Slammers, snort cocaine off of Biker chicks bottoms, and when they’re sick of having all that fun, come back and become good Christian farming citizens.

** Footnote to the footnote. I am currently celebrating my 37th year of Rumspringa with no immediate signs of going back anytime soon.

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HEAVEN BOUND? by Raymond the Amish Comic

RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Do you think God would send an Amish person to Hell if they were to injure someone with a pitchfork? Because I think my friend just did. Should I tell my friend to say they fell on it? Please help. This pitchfork was made by Amish hands… the hands of God, well basically.

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RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC: I am extremely skeptical of your whole story starting with the Amish made pitchfork. The Amish don’t have any steel factories; check the pitchfork handle for an ACE Hardware logo or “Made in Taiwan”.  You don’t seem to be a credible witness (pun intended) either your friend injured someone with a pitchfork or they didn’t. No real in between on the pitchfork stabbing.  I’d like to hear from the alleged victim as I’m confident the stabee is 100% sure if they were injured or not. If in fact your Amish friend did injure someone with a pitchfork we must determine if it was premeditated or a farming chore gone horribly wrong. If it was an accident, it is critical that your Amish friend (let’s call him Pitchfork Yoder) apologizes to the alleged victim.  If it was an accident and Pitchfork Yoder apologized to the alleged victim and the alleged victim did not accept the apology, the victim becomes the foolish one. If you tell your friend to lie about falling on the pitchfork instead of saying that he was stabbed, there is a slight chance that you yourself could wind up in Hell while Pitchfork Yoder and the alleged victim are both forgiven.  I also want to add a disclaimer here saying that I am not an official representative of God, and I would never take it upon myself to decide who is going to Hell and who is not. I believe that people who take the responsibility of assigning Hell onto others risk being sent to Hell themselves. I am also not 100% sure that Hell exists. It is possible that Hell is a fictitious place created solely for the purpose of scaring us into behaving nicely and learning to live without stabbing our friends with pitchforks and trying to get our friends to lie about it and say it was an accident and pretending that a pitchfork which was probably made in Taiwan is in fact Amish made. The moral of the story is that some people just can’t handle their pitchforks and should stick with a plastic rake from the your cousin’s son’s Playtime Beach Bucket. 

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HAIR TODAY COMEOVER TOMORROW by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’ve been getting  a lot of grey hairs so I have been pulling them out. I'm noticing bald patches all over my head. Could it be my shampoo?

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GISELE: It’s either that, the attempted roast by a drunk Situation, filing for bankruptcy at least 4 times or getting fired with a birth certificate backfired bid for the presidency.  But still, your hair is your trademark.  So you should probably borrow a few billion to launch your own line of Trump baldness shampoo. We Shall Overcomb.

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RECYCLEABLE OR TRASH? by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I moved into a new apartment and found that someone left a huge crucifix behind. I called the owner and they said they didn’t want it. Should I throw it in the garbage or recyclables? Do you think Jesus will care? Did they recycle back then?

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GISELE: If it were Buddah, it’d be easier - he gladly goes in the recycle bin every time.  But a crucifix is tricky.  The 2nd commandment says it’s trash, but the 4th says not to clean up if it’s the 7th day.  I don’t like to do math, so I’d either call Lady Gaga & tell her to pick up her stuff or take the great commission to Ebay.

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NOT SO CELEBRITY FIT CLUB by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My pants have been feeling a lot looser on me lately. Do you think I lost weight, or did my fat just stretch them out?

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GISELE: Yes K-Fed, you did lose weight on Celebrity Fit Club, but you’ve been Cheetosing on your diet to the point that you’ve stretched out your cargo pants into car-can-go-though pants.  You’re starting to make Val Kilmer look sexy.  It’s time for a reality check & another reality show.

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JELLY BELLY by Gisele Noel

GISELE NOEL

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m a vegetarian who heard that beans are really good for your diet and help you to lose weight. So after Easter I purchased a bunch of discounted jelly beans and have been eating them non stop, but am gaining weight... what is wrong?

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GISELE: Nice try Val Kilmer, but you are what you eat.  So even if you buy Jelly Bellys on sale, after a few years you’re going to get a gooey gut.  To get your figure back, try switching to Hot Tamales & call me when you can do a sit-up again.

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BEANS, GOOD FOR THE HEART by Kelley Lynn

KELLEY LYNN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love eating high fiber bean soup and then washing it down with 32 oz of coffee... Should I be worried?"

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Kelley: No, but your neighbors should be. As you know, beans make you "toot", and coffee takes care of what comes next. With a diet such as this, the constant smell permeating off of you could be alarming for anyone who is in your general area. The solution is two-fold: Get a job working as a bathroom attendant; and rent out a large port-o-potty as an apartment to live in. At work, you can eat all the beans and drink all the coffee you want, and fart up a storm. It's a public bathroom. It stinks like poop. No one will suspect it's YOUR poop. When you go home, you will literally ALWAYS be in a bathroom and never have to worry about "running to the toilet" ever again. Plus, you will save hundreds of dollars on rent, and you can steal all the toilet paper you want from work to bring home to your port-o-potty apartment. Invest in Lysol.

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STUPID ASS QUESTIONS by Kelley Lynn

KELLEY LYNN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Has anyone ever asked a stupid question that you could not answer?

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Kelley: YES.

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WANTED! BRIDESMAIDS by Kelley Lynn

KELLEY LYNN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m getting married soon and I’m kinda freaking out. I need a maid of honor and bridesmaids. But I don’t have any friends. Something about sleeping with all their boyfriends. Anyway, do you think I could put an ad on Craig’s list FRIENDS WANTED ONE NIGHT ONLY? I could offer FREE food and open bar as an enticement.

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Kelley: FREE food and an open bar to people you don't even know and won't give a crap about the day after your wedding?  What the hell is wrong with you?  Your fiance is marring a moron.  Alas, I'm here to hold your backwoods hand and get you through this. Your Craigslist ad should go something like this:  WANTED!   Bridesmaids for my special day. Applicant's must be prepared to endure verbal insults as well as the occasional random physical beating. After all It's MYYY DAY!!!  Applicant's must bring with them no less than 5 different bridesmaids dresses in varying shades of my chosen bridal color: Avacado green with Magenta trim; for my inspection.  Those chosen as bridesmaids will also be required to provide the following : A bridal shower,  DJ , Wedding Planner, Church, Reception Hall, Dinner, Limo, Photographer/Videographer; and; of course; open bar. Contact Mable at the Waffle House Off Route 47 Minot, North Dakota  Next to the Super Walmart.

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