PARKING WARS by Kelley Lynn

KELLEY LYNN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I got a parking ticket while driving a rental car. When I returned the car to the rental agent I gave her the ticket and told her that her car got a ticket. She got real mad and told me I’m an idiot and it was mine to pay. I just left it there and walked away. My question is, should I ever rent a car from them again if they don’t pay their parking tickets?

Kelley: Absolutely not! Sounds to me like your rental company is trying to lay the blame of the ticket solely on you. You wouldn't have even been in that spot had the stupid GPS that they installed in the car not directed you to go there, correct?  Chances are, you are in a city you are not familiar with. I have lived in NYC for years and I STILL don't know what the hell "No Standing" means. I once had a rental car towed because I parked it on the wrong side of the street on a Wednesday. Rent-A-Car  wanted me to pay the tow bill, but it wasn't my fault they rented a car to me on a Wednesday ... Just because I came in on a Wednesday ...and asked for a rental on a Wednesday .... It's just bad customer service; and they aren't even trustworthy enough to take responsibility. Take your business elsewhere.

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ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET by Kelley Lynn

KELLEY LYNN

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I recently took my in laws to be to an all you can eat buffet. My fiance’ got all bent out of shape when I pulled my chair up to the buffet and began eating out of the bowls. She said I was acting ill mannered. Was I suppose to let my fiance’s parents go first?

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Kelley: What you did was exactly correct. We are talking about an "all you can eat buffet" here; not dinner at Trump Plaza. There is no such thing as "manners" when you are involved in such a tacky event. Pulling your chair up and eating from the bowls is actually tame compared to what most people do at buffets. I don't want to gross you out, but let's just say that I once ate a plate of spaghetti that had a strong taste of feet; and some chocolate pudding that resembled sneeze particles. Your fiance' is being unreasonable. What's next? Expecting white-glove service at Sizzler?  The real question here is why the heck are you taking your in-laws to be to an All You Can Eat Buffet in the first place? I know it's a rough economy but come on ... really? It's time to break out the ole' wallet and spring for something a little more classy. Like White Castle.

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THUMBS UP FOR TACO BELL? by Ray Wagner

RAY WAGNER

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TO FAT? by Ray Wagner

RAY WAGNER

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WALMART SAVER by Ray Wagner

RAY WAGNER

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TIME MANAGEMENT by Ray Wagner

RAY WAGNER

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STARBUCKS OR DUNKIN DONUTS COFFEE? by Ray Wagner

RAY WAGNER

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MUSIC MAN by Rose A. Valena

ROSE A VALENTA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Several years ago I was in a local theater production of, The Music Man, and fell in love with the white shoes I wore with my costume. I wear them all the time now and have been ridiculed by those less fashionable for my wardrobe gaffes. When is the appropriate, "season", for wearing white shoes? (I consider myself a bit of a clotheshorse so your answer is important to me).

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ROSE: Before it became The Music Man, the play was called, And There I Stood With My Piccolo. So, in order to be authentic you must buy a piccolo and always carry it while wearing the white shoes. It is a fine tradition and chic theatre fashion. You can tell your critics that your outfit was created by Italian designer, Ottavino. It’s all about taking classy fashion to a whole new level. Think Vivaldi! Those less fortunate than you only wear white shoes during summer - how boring. Anyone with any fashion sense at all can plainly see how well 10” inches of snow in winter compliments white shoes. You are a trend setter, my dear.

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BUSTED by Rose A. Valenta

ROSE A VALENTA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I bought a shirt for my friend as a gift... recently she has been telling me how thin she is and about how much weight she has lost on her weight watchers diet and keeps saying that I should join weight watchers too.  It's really pissing me off that she’s bragging and basically is telling me I'm fat... should I buy the shirt in a size XXL also and switch the tags so that she thinks she's fatter than hell again and will shut up?

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ROSE: No, you should buy her a bra in her old bra size to show her how much of her voluptuous former self she has lost. Tell her you are going on a new Sofia Vergara diet that will not decrease your vixen-like bust size. Then, people won’t point and stare at you asking why you left the twins at home.

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HUMP DAY by Rose A Valenta

ROSE A VALENTA

Dear Stupid Ass Question: They say that Wednesday is the middle of the week, hump day they call it. Does that mean I should be kind to camels or is there some other activity I should be engaging myself in? Also, who is “They”?

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ROSE: You should always respect camels. Just as an example, the US State Department Rewards for Justice Program recently offered $7 million for information leading to the capture of Ahmed Abdi Aw-Mohamed or Mukhtar Abu Zubeir, founder and commander of the terrorist group al-Shabaab; $5 million for Fuad Mohamed Khalaf, an al Qaeda fund raiser; and similar bounties totaling $33 million US dollars in Somalia.  The terrorists retaliated by placing a bounty of 10 camels for information of the whereabouts of President Barack Obama and two camels for information on Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. I’m not sure what their offer was for infidel Rush Limbaugh, who has given at least 20 camels toxic shock syndrome. “They” are the fleas of a thousand camels.

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NO SPIN SYNDROME by Rose A. Valenta

ROSE A VALENTA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why do they call this stuff,(that everybody seems to be doing these days), Dope? These folks that are into it don't seem the slightest bit dopey to me and they are quite calm and at times very knowledgeable.

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ROSE: It is the wrong terminology. The only way to actually plant “dope” is to bury a news anchor. The term originated from airplane glue, when all the airheads sniffed their way into oblivion along with Leslie Nielsen at 40,000 feet. In today’s culture, watching too much Fox News accomplishes the same result. It’s called No-spin Syndrome. You get high and dopey, with a false sense of balance, but don’t really spin out of control unless you are watching Bill O’Reilly bitch-slap an American icon to sell coffee mugs with his picture on them. You have better coffee mugs with your picture on them, but it would cost you $150,000 in airtime to sell them on The Factor.

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CAT NIPPED by Rose Valenta

ROSE VALENTA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My cat has been peeing in my houseplants. I notice that it killed a few but some are thriving! Should I start peeing in them too? It would save on water, or should I fill the pot with kitty litter so the cat knows where to water?

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ROSE: Don’t look now, but your nasty neighbor has been slipping your cat nickel bags of catnip to pee on your houseplants. To get even, gather about 50 Maple seeds and cut off the feathery parts. Crush the feathers until they reduce to powder (itch powder), sprinkle the powder on your neighbor’s lawn furniture and sit back and enjoy the excitement.

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CONGRATULATIONS TO DEL

DEL HARRISON

What's Going Down? July, 2012 In This Issue Long Time No Talk! Reality Rockout Famika vs. The Tea Party Movie Another Sketch Comedy Show Cool Photo! Upcoming Shows TONITE! (7/6/12) Village Lantern @ 11pm Bleecker & Sullivan (West Village) Every Wednesday Xpressions, 3601 Boston Rd, Bronx - Showtime 9:30pm Every Other Thursday MAGNET Sports Lounge 241-05 Linden Blvd, Elmont, NY Next shows: July 12, 26 Every Month Phuket, 701 W. 135th St  @ 12th Ave, Harlem Next shows: Jul 20, Aug 19 Contact  Me Del Harrison For bookings, email:delchong@yahoo.com www.delharrison.com Brooklyn, New York 11216 Hey hey hey! You know every once and a while, I gotta send you an email.  I keep saying I'm going to start sending these things out regularly but I'm not.  Hey, my bday just passed and as I get older, I'm telling myself the truth more.  Anywhoo, so much to tell you, so much going on!  First of all,how are youuuuuuu?  I hope you are fabulous and using every minute in the day to celebrate your blessings.  God is SO Good!  I got the lead role in an independent feature film debuting this fall, called "Famika vs. the Tea Party" (sneak preview below); I'm hosting a pilot episode called The Reality Rockout, and Another Sketch Comedy Show is still tickling everybody's funny bone. Plus, I'm sharpening my vocal cords preparing to sing my heart out on some major stages soon and OF COURSE, I'm still doing standup.  You know I ain't NEVA quitting that.  You know as people I know pass away, it has really made me realize how precious life is as well as "up'ed" my determination to enjoy every minute of it.  It has also encouraged me to get busier.  And I'm happy to be getting that accomplished.  Life is great, if you let it be and I hope you know this too.  Check out all the goings-on below. Mwahhh, Del The Reality Rockout (RealityRockout.com) Love and Hip Hop Atlanta - Reality Rock Out - Episode 2 Okay, so I responded to a casting from MC3 Studios.  They were looking to build a pilot show, starting as a webisode, around someone who is a host and producer.  So, of course, I responded with a "you got the right one ba-bay~~~"!  Reality Rockout gives you the funny scoop on what's going down with the popular urban reality shows.  We are focusing on Love & Hip Hop ATL, first and more as we work out the kinks.  I'm having so much fun though and I love the way it's turning out. Let me know what you think.  Famika vs. the Tea Party Famika vs. the Tea Party "CAN ONE WASHED UP FLYGIRL STOP THE TEA PARTY TO SAVE OBAMA?" (Maija DiGiorgio, Del Harrison, Greer Barnes, Jim Norton, Rich Vos, Jim David, Vanessa Hollingshead, Heather McConnell, Antonio Nigro and more ) Click here for a SNEAK PEAK http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151064362511075  This movie is hilarious.  Set in the year 2008, Famika vs. the Tea Party is about a washed-up fly girl who is trying to blow up in effort to keep her boyfriend but gets entangled with some members of the Tea Party--who want to keep the "minorities" aboard their tour, so people won't think their racist.  I'm playing Famika's best friend Shaqwanda, Sister Souljah flygirl-turned ACLU attorney who has to come and save her.  It is super funny and we've already shot a lot of the scenes but HERE'S WHERE I NEED YOUR HELP!  I NEED YOU TO LIKE THE FACEBOOK PAGE ASAP. WE NEED THE HITS and it only takes a sec.Here's the link: http://www.facebook.com/famikavstheteaparty     AnotherSketchComedyShow.com is still on & popping.  Check out some of our sketches and please subscribe!  We're trying to get a million hits so we can get it on TV.  Can you please help by subscribing?  New sketch coming this week but until then: here's some blast from the past!   Lil Kim vs Nicki Minaj Breath Mints that will get you the job (featuring Bill Bellamy) Tyler Perry's For Colored Girls Please subscribe. Comment. Share. Thank you  I can't thank you enough for how you have supported me over the years and how you have believed in me, advised me, booked me, encouraged me and always sent me your positive energy.  Thank you for your love.  May God Bless Continue To Bless You, Del

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LIQUOR IS QUICKER by Del Harrison

DEL HARRISON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I joined a book club because I heard they serve food and alcohol. This past week I was asked to host a book club event. I don’t want to because I’d have to supply food and alcohol. Should I start  stock piling some of the food and alcohol from others until it’s my turn? I could bring a big bag with some Tupperware containers. They always have leftovers so I’ll be doing them a favor.  

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DEL: DON’T DARE DO THAT!  Instead, break into a liquor store in a neighborhood close to the person that hosted the last event.  Before you break in, be sure to be dressed like that person with a bag over your head (and it’d be great if you could steal their car first).  Get the finest liquors and knick knacks and then leave their car parked outside the liquor store.  At the next event, you will wait for someone to ask you where’s that person and explains how it’s so sad they’re in jail and how you just never “know” a person.

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ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS, IT TOLLS FOR THEE by Del Harrison

DEL HARRISON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I hired a woman to clean my house. When she arrived I gave her an outfit to wear while she cleaned. It is one of those black uniforms with a white apron and hat. You know like what they wore in the deep south. She put it on but half way through she got furious and left without finishing the job. I don’t want to lose the next person so I want to get your advice. Did she leave because I kept ringing a bell every time I wanted something or was the outfit I gave her too small?

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DEL: She left because she’s inconsiderate of YOUR needs.  Who wouldn’t want to relive a moment of slavery/Mrs. Bently?  Actually, I think she left because that bell may have reminded her of the bell that was hanging around her dog’s neck before he got hit by a car.

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EYE OF THE BEHOLDER by Del Harrison

DEL HARRISON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My family and friends don’t think that I’m beautiful. What could I do to convince them? Should I pay a waitress to say something about my looks the next time we go out to eat? 

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DEL: If your smart enough to come up with such an ingenious plan then, you must be beautiful. Everyone knows they go hand in hand. If your family and friends can’t see it for themselves then it’s time for new family and friends. Open a myspace account. You can meet all kinds of great people on there.

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ORPHANED by Del Harrison

DEL HARRISON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: While I’m at work I go online and look at funny sites like yours. It makes me laugh out loud. My boss got real mad at me the other day. He stormed out and said, “If you would stop going online you might get work done on time”. I li  ed to him and said I wasn’t online, I have tourettes syndrome. That lie worked out so well I was thinking of telling him I’m an orphan. What do you think? 

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DEL: Yah, I’d go with it! In fact, don’t just stop there. Tell him the reason you’re an orphan is because your grandparents killed your parents and you’re the last person living to carry on the family name and the doctor said you may not be able to reproduce with your current significant other who may leave you if you guys can’t afford to get some fertility treatment. If that doesn’t work, sue him for discrimination against you because of your “personal confession”. If you lose the law suit, kill your boss.

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WORK IT OUT by Stupid Ass Questions Panel

Stupid Ass Questions Panel

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I drank way too much coffee then went to the gym and worked out real hard for over an hour. Now, I feel sick. Was it wise to stop and pick up a GRANDE coffee on my way home? I heard that coffee settles your stomach.

Panel of Stupid Asses: Dear coffee addict... if you are trying to lose weight then we suggest you throw up the coffee you drink before you go to the gym... then when you leave the gym feel free to pick up that grande because you already will be at negative calories for the day! How about throwing in a few laxatives for good measure too... that’s if you don't have to leave the house.

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ALCOHOLOCS NOT SO ANONYMOUS by Stupid Ass Questions Panel

Stupid Ass Questions Panel

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, “Hi, my name is Bruce, I’m an alcoholic?”

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Stupid Ass Questions Panel: Dear Bruce Ingalls, they call it that because you don’t say your last name. No one knows who you are if you just say your first name...DUH!!! “Oh by the way Bruce, I sent you that information you asked for to your new address. You did say 32 Floyd Street, Whiteenovia, right”?

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IS SILENCE REALLY GOLDEN? by Stupid Ass Questions Panel

Stupid Ass Questions Panel & Kenny Colgin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Wouldn't the world be silent without stupid ass questions? Should I ask a stupid ass question? Will I get a stupid ass answer. Who's ass are we talking about?  I need to know cause that could change the equation. How many stupid ass questions am I allowed? What if I go over the limit? Are you going to answer my questions?

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Stupid Ass Questions Panel: Dear stupid ass... here is your answer.... shut up... lay off the coffee and calm it! Just saying.

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BOTTOMS UP by Stupid Ass Questions Panel

Stupid Ass Questions Panel

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: If I Took an Ex-Lax and Immodium AD at the same time, who would win?

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Stupid Ass Questions Panel: Beer.....We’ve done this before and it works GREAT!. You take the exlax and immodium with a 6 pack... the beer will prevail! It’s a winner everytime. Also on the upside, you'll enjoy a colonic without the big price tag. Bottoms UP!

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