Today's Stupid Ass Question

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My best friend just gave her 7 year old daughter a gift certificate for liposuction for her birthday. My daughters 7th birthday is coming up and I want to get her something comparable. Would labeoplasty be appropriate?

Diane: It’s not only appropriate, it’s a definite must-do if you want your little precious to be popular on the playground. Having her hoo-ha professionally shaped is the perfect way to ensure a nice view for the little boys when she crosses the monkey bars in her mini skirt and Prada pumps. What’s more, when the kids play “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” she’ll be proud of her offering. She could even display her new parts at “show and tell” time for a certain A-p.

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WHATS IN A NAME by Diane Kelly

2012-02-02T08:32:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just read that some guy from Madison Wisconsin changed his name from Jeffrey Drew to, "Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop". I've never liked mine and would like to do the same. How does Do wop do wop ditty ditty do wop sound? Or should I drop one

wop?

Diane: Hmm, given that “wop” can be taken as a slur on Italians, I’d advise that you drop all “wop” references lest you piss off the mafia and end up with a severed horse’s head in your bed. What about something from the song “We Go Together” from the final scene in the movie “Grease?” There’s several lines to choose from:

Rama Lama Lama

Ding a de Dinga a Dong

Shoo bop shoo wadda wadda Yipitty boom de boom

Dip di-dip di-dip Doo-bop a doo-bee doo

Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy Boog-e-dy

Chang chang chang-it-ty chang Shoo-bop

The great thing about choosing from among these options is that nobody will ever forget your name. Once they hear it, the song – and your new cool name - will be stuck in their head!

Go, Rydell High!

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DIRTY DIAPERS by Diane Kelly

2012-02-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have to watch my sister’s baby while she and her husband spend a night away. I can’t stand changing baby diapers so could I just throw a new one on over the old when she needs changing?

Diane: What a perfect idea! Just be sure that you have boxes of progressively bigger sizes to accommodate the growing bulk. You’ll have to switch to adult-size diapers once you’ve got several layers in place. If the baby is particularly productive, you’ll need something even bigger than adult diapers. Might I suggest a garbage bag filled with cotton balls or Styrofoam peanuts?

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WHEEEEEEEEEE! by Diane Kelly

2012-01-31T08:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My grandmother falls a lot and because of such falls has broken just about every bone in her body. Anyway, to get to her car she goes out her back door even though there is a safer way to get to the garage. In the winter the back door way is covered with ice and snow drifts 5 feet high (she’s pretty good at climbing). We are starting to worry that one day we will find a human granny pop. Should we nail the back door shut or just leave a shovel out there and let her dig herself out?

Diane: Neither. Everyone will be happy if you take this simple suggestion. Get some of those big plastic tubes that they use for the children’s play areas and build Granny a colorful plastic all-weather route from her back door to the garage. Since she’s broken so many bones, I assume she’s shrunken and stoop shouldered and will have no trouble walking through the tubes. If gerbils and hamsters can get the hang of it, so can she. Snow and ice will be no problem, and you won’t have to worry about the granny pop! Maybe even add a slide to make things more fun!

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AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES ACT by Diane Kelly

2012-01-30T06:25:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard on TV that woman who are pregnant are now covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act. Would it be dumb if I get pregnant so I too can get special treatment and premo parking?

Diane: It would be dumb not to! Of course the downside to going this route is that you may be forced to pee on a stick to prove eligibility and you’ll only get nine months of benefits. Once that baby is born, you’ll be back to parking at the end of the earth and trudging through pot-holed parking lots. Of course breastfeeding that new baby can lead to saggy breasts, and if your boobs sag low enough that you trip over them you could re-qualify as disabled.

Another option would be to have someone take a sledgehammer to your feet and “hobble” you like Kathy Bates did to James Caan in the movie “Misery.” What are a few months of excruciating pain compared to a lifetime of prime parking spots? If you don’t own a sledgehammer, another option would be to have someone chop off some of your toes with an axe. That’s what Clyde Barrow of Bonnie & Clyde did to get out of hard work detail at a Texas prison. These proven techniques can work for you, too!

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IN THE DARK by Joel Richardson

2012-01-27T08:55:00.000-05:00

Joel Richardson

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have always wanted to be a dentist, but, lack the funds. My brother works for a mortician and said I could practice on the corpses’ at night. He said he would sneak me in but I would have to keep the lights off so as not to disturb folks. I’m a little leary of his offer because I am afraid of the dark. Do you think I would get better lighting with a flashlight or a lantern?

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Joel: I think you should find other ways to pursue your dreams. If you were in a horse race, you'd be the long shot. Working in the dark is the least of your problems. Your brother is a kind person, but sounds like you both lack intelligence. If a flashlight or lantern is your question at hand, shouldn't you be thinking twice about dentist school? Just saying.....

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MILK, IT DOES A BODY GOOD by Joel Richardson

2012-01-26T08:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I had my first date the other night and before I left my father says, "Don't give away the milk or he won't buy the cow". Was I suppose to bring milk and charge him for it?

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Joel: Your father is a gem. He was questioning the morals of his little princess. I'm pretty sure if your father knows you, he shouldn't have to remind you. Unless your father has a good sense of humor? Sounds like he might have heard been the rumors floating around town about you. Never charge for milk, you'll get arrested and have bigger problems on your hands....

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FESTIVUS FOR THE REST TIVUS by Joel Richardson

2012-01-25T08:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I noticed this year that the government buildings in my area added Kwanza decorations. I celebrate Festivus and was wondering if you think they'd add a Festivus pole as well. They could use a broom handle to save on the cost of a real Festivus pole. AND the best part, NO decorations needed. Thus very cost effective.

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Joel: You should probably use the advice: Pick and choose your battles. If not having a pole up is the worst of your worries, you're doing just fine. Nothing's stopping you from hanging one in your home. Just don't bother the rest of us with your Festivus comeback!

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ART HURTS by Joel Richardson

2012-01-24T07:46:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I need your advice. So I invite a few old friends from back in the day over. They were part of my Tribe when I was way young. I offer them a painting each, of mine, and begin to sign the back for them, but none of them want to take their piece home with them this night. Should I be insulted? Should I take offense and not offer them the paintings? Am I like an art delivery service that should bring it to them? Two of them don't even live in NYC? What is up? Signed, Plucked in NYC

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Joel: YES! Your friends are insulting you. But many of your friends are a bunch of followers and if one person said they weren't taking it home, they all followed suit. It's even worse that you signed the back. Dig the knife a little bit further into your back. That hurts. Good thing they are friends from back in the day, do you have new friends yet?

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LOST AND FOUND by Joel Richardson

2012-01-23T08:57:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I bought a pair of pants recently and when I was taking off the tags I discovered that they have a hidden pocket. Do you know how to find it?

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Joel: If finding a hidden pocket on your pants has excited you, you're WAY ahead of the game in life. You are a simple person that should be very happen for years to come. And looks like you have a new favorite pair of pants. Congrats.

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CAN'T SEE THE FORREST FOR THE TREES.

2012-01-20T09:15:00.002-05:00

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YOU WILL READ THIS by Forrest Haigh

2012-01-19T08:40:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am addicted to psychic stuff. Psychic hot lines, psychic fairs. You name it psychic and I’m addicted. Problem is, it’s getting very costly. Sometimes I can’t feed my children. Are there rehabs for people like me? Or should I open my own psychic hotline to pay for my habit. Sometimes I know things so maybe I am psychic.

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Forrest: I say just keep calling. Call as much as you can. There is absolutely no down side at all. Not even a little. Have the psychics told you that you will be homeless and all of your kids will starve to death? No. I bet they haven’t, and seeing that you are talking to people who know what the future is, I would say you are fine. Don’t you think they would tell you that if it was in the cards? Of course they would. Even if it meant they would lose money. Psychics are powerful, all-knowing beings and they are not on the same spiritual plane as us, so there is no way that they would keep bad news a secret. You should use their services for all of your decisions no matter how small. “Should I eat breakfast?” Call a psychic. “Should I even wake up today?” Call a psychic. “Should I call a psychic?” Call a psychic.

About the second part: Should you open you’re own psychic hot-line? No! You are not psychic. The fact that you had to ask this questions proves it. Trust me, psychics know other psychics, and I don’t know you. This reminds me, by they way, that I have recently open my own psychic hot-line. The all seeing Forrest Haigh can tell you what the future holds and and anything else you will pay to hear. Just send you questions to my twitter account. Plus, for the sake of validity, pretend I have a Jamaican accent and a crystal ball. That seems appropriate.

Lastly, remember this old axiom: “If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?” Forrest knows. Call a psychic. Call Forrest the Great.

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STORM DRAIN METH LAB by Forrest Haigh

2012-01-18T09:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Question: The meth lab we opened in the city’s storm drain was recently shut down. They called what we were doing with highly-toxic, highly-addictive chemicals in a plastic bottle a one-pot or shake-and-bake method. Would we have been shut down if we used 2 pots & called it mix and stir?

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Forrest: I get this question all the time and I will give you the answer I have given the countless thousands who have asked me before you. Yes. There is a third option, though. A slightly less known solution that has been tried-tested and, at this point, is as legal as lollipops. Let me explain. You know what I like about cooking meth? I am sure I speak for everyone when I say the good old fashioned gettin’-it-done-atude. Being indoors in a damp smokey room, spending time with the kids and passing down the trade, cleaning the dentures we all need, and, most importantly, making quality product that not only am I proud to distribute but also that I am proud to pass around the Christmas table to really bring the family together. It’s just magical. How do I get this done legally? I call it the “James Bond Meth-od.” I make my meth shaken, not stirred. This may be confusing. I am sure you are asking, “What’s the third option? I’ve already tried shake and bake and got shut down!” The difference is that I don’t bake. I sell bags of the meth mixture and then I let the client do the baking. This absolves me of all legal liability and more importantly personal ethics. I just sell cough syrup mixed with rat poison to what I believe are fine upstanding business owners and children. What those junkies do with it is there demon. Maybe they have a cold and a rat problem. That’s what I’m saying at the pearly gates. See you at the Chinese buffet parking lot; that’s my territory.

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GOOD SANDWICH OR GOOD SEX? by Forrest Haigh

2012-01-17T08:47:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: So, one of my Stupid Ask Questions is, it being the Jewish New Year, we have to fast (yes, I'm a Jew in showbiz, how odd). Anyway, one of the rules on Yom Kippur is no bathing, no oils, no deodorant, no washing. So, my questions is, who would WANT to have sex?

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Forrest: Men! In general we want that. Little rule of thumb I picked up. I was in a truck stop restroom in Santa Fe a little too close to midnight when I learned that lesson. I guess it would be more accurate to say I was taught. Never mind that.

Plus, homeless people. Homeless people have sex all the time with way worse conditions. No bathing? No oils? Mo problem. That’s their everyday. Ask the same question again and end it with “in broad daylight in a park on a pile of empty Cheetos bags” and you might start to gain an understanding of their life spiral. You see nightmare and they see a romance novel with the side benefit of marking one’s territory. So I don’t know who this Yom Kippur fella is, but men and homeless people don’t get it. The only thing that limits the sex of these two groups is opportunity and, in the case of the homeless, a good sandwich. Actually, the sandwich thing applies to both groups. Forrest Haigh signing off.

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IS LIFE REALLY LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES? by Forrest Haigh

2012-01-16T08:56:00.003-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Was the movie, “Forest Gump” written about Forrest Haigh but his last name was changed to protect the innocent?

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Forrest: You’ve just stumbled upon the greatest government secret of all time. Crafty one you are. Who have you been in contact with? Tabitha? Did she tell you anything about the rendezvous? Did she make any comments about the quiche I brought? Good or bad? Don't answer that. You already know too much. Have you checked the lines for taps? My side is clear. OK. Tell me what you know?! Oh. Pulling the old “Not gonna say anything and wait for the other guy to make the first move” trick. I've seen it once I've seen it a thousand times. I could counter with, ”Guy pretends that he gets a call and then must take that call so that he can slip away in a really awkward scenario” switch-a-maroo but I won't. We're both gentlemen, for god's sake. I'll go first.

Its the the late 1990's. The project was code named “Pandas Be Shoppin'” or, on the streets, P.B.S.. PBS had employed a young janitor named Forrest Haigh. At least that's what we thought. We couldn't have been more wrong. He was strong as ten men and could balance any number of things at once. He had so much beauty that it emitted light out of the top of his head so that, even though he had a long flowing mane of lochs so smooth and curly that he looked a brunnette disco ball, he forever looked bald and still somehow pulled it off. He's cool, this Forrest Haigh, and he had a secret. Yes, he was good at ping pong. Yes, he had seen the movie Forrest Gump. And finally he did know some one named Jennifer. We even believe that it could sound like Jeni if said with the proper accent and dialect. Could it be, my friend, that Forrest Haigh was written about Forrest Gump? We don't know. We haven't made up enough evidence as of yet but I'll tell you this - if he is what we think he is (and you better hope that he isn't), we are in for quite the treat. And you can write that down, SON!

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CANDY, CANDY, CANDY... and BREATHMINTS. by Christian Saslo

2012-01-13T08:29:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just found out that there are people out there who clean your teeth called dental hygenist. My question... I've been brushing my teeth on my own so do I stop doing that now and only get it done twice a year?

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Christian: Dear Gummer Your answer is YES! Why waste the money on toothpaste, toothbrushes, dental floss and listerine when you could be buying CANDY!!!! LOTS AND LOTS OF CANDYYY!!!! PS..... we also suggest you buy some breath mints & face mask.

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BEEFCAKE? by Christian Saslo

2012-01-12T08:49:00.002-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband just found out he has high blood pressure & was told to loose weight. I don’t know how to cook so well so I started watching Paula Deen on the food network. Mostly because my husband says she’s gotta be the best chef he ever saw and if I loved him I’d help him. So I started using her southern fried foods along with her doughnut hamburger. He said I cook great. But last visit he had gained another 25 lbs. Am I cooking it wrong?

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Christian: Dear Stupid Ass,What do doctors know, the worlds heaviest man weighed in at 1225 pounds, now that’s a goal! Double all the sugar, butter, and breading in Deen’s recipes and get that boy on “Weight Gain 4000!” Get him a tight tank top that says “BEEFCAKE,” and he’s sure to be featured in one of those “freaks of Wal-Mart” emails soon

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CHEATING SPOUSE by Christian Saslo

2012-01-11T09:35:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband and I go to Crispy Cream almost everyday & share ½ dozen donuts. When I weighed myself I had gained 30 lbs and he gained 50. All, in 2 months time. I don’t know how this happened. We always share & never get our own. What’s wrong?

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Christian: Dear Stupid Ass, Don’t have that “glazed” look in your eye, he’s cheating on you girl. Just when you thought it was all “sprinkles,” he was getting his “cream filled” on the side. You need to put that Donut hole “ho” in check and maybe you can come out on top like Kobe Bryants wife, and get “frosted.”

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MASTER BASTER by Christian Saslo

2012-01-10T08:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just read in a magazine while waiting in my gynocologist office about a woman who inseminated herself using a turkey baster & her gay friend’s sperm. I really want a child but can’t afford what the doctor would charge. My question is two fold. One, is gay sperm better than hetero sperm and two can I use the turkey baster after for our thanksgiving turkey?

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Christian: Dear Stupid Ass, Some may not believe me, but I don’t care. I honestly was raised by two men. My biological father truly is gay, and I turned out to be a right winged, evangelical, Christian, republican who does stand up comedy and tricks for cash (magician) while staying up late watching fox news, so… I’m “pro-homo.” As far as the turkey baster goes, I say “pass me some dark meat, yum yum.”

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HOOT MON by Christian Saslo

2012-01-09T08:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My local grocery store is running a sale on liver at a dime a pound, with no limits. They do this once a year to bring in business. Should I buy 2 cartfuls and make my family eat it for the next 3 months? Actually, I find liver disgusting but at that price I’ll save enough money to buy myself flank steak and make my family eat the liver. Do you know any good liver recipes?

Christian: Dear Stupid Ass, Ahh Liver, when cooking, it smells like the arm pit of a sweaty Samoan man. Don’t fall prey to the propaganda of the “Big Liver” corporations my friend. Instead try “Haggis.” It’s a tasty treat, made of sheep viscera minced with oatmeal, suet, and onions; and boiled in the animal's stomach. This is sure to be a big hit with the family and is vegan friendly. Bon Appetite.

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THANK YOU LEAH DUBIE

2012-01-07T08:30:00.000-05:00

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DO BE OR NOT DO BE? by Leah Dubie

2012-01-06T08:35:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is it true that Leah Dubie invented MaryJane? And if she did do you have her contact info? Its not for me its for someone else.

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Leah: You heard correct. Leah Dubie the comedian is also a well respected marijuana chef and shoe designer. She smokes one while sketching retro versions of the other. Kids in the east village find her creations wearable and shareable. You can contact her only by old school pager.

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HANDSOAP by Leah Dubie

2012-01-05T08:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: If a deaf person swears...does his mother wash his hands with soap? I have one more question for you…

"Is Winnie the Pooh diabetic?

Leah: Wow, these are two wildly unrelated questions. You are a special person to care about disciplining the deaf while also being concerned about Pooh’s glucose levels. I’ll deal with deaf first. Probably the best part about being deaf is that you can get away with flipping off mom. Another benefit, you are allowed to be totally unimpressed with Marlee Matlin. Big deal! Where’s my Oscar?! I’m glad you mentioned Winnie The Pooh’s health. He’s in trouble and Piglet hasn’t done jack about it. Tigger just wants to stand on his honey-filled stomach and that closeted homosexual Christopher Robin wouldn’t touch a carbohydrate if his life depended on it! Instead, he chooses to live (in the closet) vicariously through Pooh no matter what the cost to Pooh’s health. Poor Winnie The Pooh! There’s a rumbly in his tumbly and it’s heading towards his small intestine!

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DEER CROSSING by Leah Dubie

2012-01-04T08:47:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: How do they get the reindeer to cross at the “Deer Crossing” signs?

Leah: There are stiff penalties for not adhering to all signs along the Christmas route. Reindeer in general make about half as much as their human counterparts. It’s a glass ceiling that isn’t fair and I don’t have the time to get into it here. Those poor reindeer cannot afford to waste any more coin on traffic tickets. Not when they’re blowing most of it at the reindeer lodge on booze and does.

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NORTH POLE OR BUST by Leah Dubie

2012-01-03T08:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband and I want to take our children to visit Santa at the North Pole. We’ve looked all over the map but can’t seem to find his workshop at the North Pole. Do you have directions? Also, will we need snowshoes to get there & does Rudolph’s nose REALLY light up? The children are asking, I think I already know the answer.

Leah: As a rule, I don’t give out directions. I don’t work for you! Find directions yourself!! I’m not going to hold your hand anymore and neither is the Claus family. Additionally, if you don’t already have a personalized invite to kick it with those midgets in the workshop, you should probably consider it a subtle hint. Sorry, Christmas just got real.

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REST IN PEACE SANTA by Leah Dubie

2012-01-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My children have begun asking me if Santa is real. I don’t like to lie to them but I enjoy the excited look they get on Christmas morning when they see what Santa left them. My husband thinks they are getting of the age where they should be told the truth. He says that 13 and 15 is way to long to keep up the sham. How did you handle telling your children?

Leah: Well, clearly you are home schooling your kids which is way weirder than a 15 year old believing in Santa. Think about prom. But as far as breaking bad news to children goes…I think it’s best to pair it with something more terrible that isn’t true. It makes the truth sting less. “We’ve legally changed your name to Santa. There’s no such thing as Santa. Santa’s dead.”

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CAUGHT ON CAMERA by Shari Linick

2011-12-31T08:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My ex girlfriend, who I still have feelings for, showed up in a chat room with camera's the other night with the man she dumped me for sitting next to him. Was she trying to get back together with me? Should I go over there and find out?

Shari: It appears to me that your ex is secretly looking for one of the exes to have a manage-a-trois with, and you appear to be the perfect candidate, considering you're going into a chat room with a camera. It's obvious that you are promiscuous. I say go for it! you should go over there..of course, bringing some tissues to cry into.

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BIRDS OF A FEATHER by Shari Linick

2011-12-30T09:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am an 80 year old woman who loves to feed birds in my local park. On a recent outing to feed my feathered friends I was surrounded by a swat team and arrested. When I asked why I was being arrested they said. "Because your feeding the birds bread". Was I feeding them the wrong kind of bread? Are birds into artisan bread? I'm old and on a budget and eat cat food myself so I can't go overboard.

Shari: Mazel tov on being an Octogenarian. I hope the park is not on Sesame Street, It's rumored that a certain Big Bird is taking money from the other birds for "protection". He dislikes the artisan bread and prefers filet mignon. You think you're on a budget now? This problem can be easily solved about your budget and giving your other fine feathered friends their Artisan bread. Make sure you are eating the catfood NEAR them in the park, while making the sounds "pssst psst psst.."here kitty kitty er birdie birdie". I guarantee your problem will be solved.

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SAVE MONEY LIVE BETTER @WALMART by Shari Linick

2011-12-29T09:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Question: Recently, the meth lab I was working for got shut down by the cops. Do you think I could just make it in the bathroom at Walmart? Have you ever seen the chamber of secrets, Harry Potter? And do you remember where they make that potion in the girls bathroom? Well... that was illegal and they didn't get caught!

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SHARI: Unfortunately, that was in the UK. They overlook those types of things when it involves an underage party. Let's just say pounds talk. Truth be told, the potion was actually a feminine product made strictly for Hermione when it was you know, "her monthly visit". If you should decide to make the meth in the bathroom at Walmart, you're going to have to make it in extra large quantities, enough to kill a family of 10. Sam Walmart is long dead and gone, so he'll never know...

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STOLEN ID by Shari Linick

2011-12-28T08:56:00.002-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I'm having trouble with buying things online. Whenever I go to purchase an item it says, "Press Any Button To Continue". I can’t find the ANY BUTTON on my key board. Do you know which one it is?

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SHARI: Have you considered using the N&E keys? Nonetheless, I think you should just call and forget about buying things online. Your information will only wind up going to another server, where your identity will then be stolen, including your social security number. You will then fight for the next 10 years to get your identity back, after losing EVERYTHING, including your wife, kids, house, due to being declined credit cards, line of credit, equity, where you then will not be able to afford anything and will find yourself homeless and jobless because your stolen identity claimed you served time in jail.

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DUMBO and THE DRUG CARTEL by Shari Linick

2011-12-27T09:22:00.000-05:00

SHARI LINICK

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just watched the movie “Dumbo” for the first time and learned a very "valuable" lesson. I learned that if you package it right you can sell ANYTHING to ANYONE. So I was wondering... do you think I could bottle up a room freshener and call it Money in a Bottle? With all this Law of attraction stuff I thought I could make a killing. I mean look at Dumbo. He thought holding a feather could make him fly. But he couldn't really fly. Could he?

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SHARI: Dumbo, ALWAYS flew. Just not in the way you thought. You See, you THOUGHT that feather was a feather, when in fact, it was just a metaphor for something else that could not be shown to Disney Audiences. Sorta like Puff the Magic Dragon, who lived by the sea for a reason -- it avoided suspicion and it was a place police could not easily access. Folklore has it that that's where the other Dragon, belonging to Pete lived. Ditto for Little Jackie Paper. Puff actually lived on the side of the Mexican Border where his puffs are protected by the drug cartels - by the sea of course. Many of drug cartels corpses have been thrown in there.

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BROKEN BUT NOT DEFEATED. by Julie Kitayama

2011-12-21T08:41:00.001-05:00

JULIE KITAYAMA

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I fell down my stairs and broke my leg. I really want to sit out in the sun but once I get outside I can’t get back up the stairs. Should I just sleep outside?

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JULIE: It is a summer time and a shame that you'd have to miss most of it stuck inside with a broken leg. Sleeping outside has its merits but downfalls too. If you are going to spend the next month or so living outside you have to have the right equipment. You'll need a tent and unless you live in the dessert and you yard is full of sand, you'll want to have an air mattress. Dirt is hard. Renting a port-o-potty is essential. That costs about $137 a day. Do you have that extra money? You'll also need a generator to charge you cell phone which you'll need to call the pizza shop to have all your meals delivered. Perhaps you could get a small refrigerator and have your local grocery shop deliver some groceries. Keep that in the tent in case it rains. There is also the insect issue to contend with. Your leg must be pretty itchy with that cast on it. If a mosquito were to get down there you'd be in trouble so repellent is essential.

Sleeping outside isn't your only option. You can get some sun while enjoying the comforts of your home. All you need to do is have large sky lights installed in each room of your house. You'll be able to bask in the sun all day long while watching As the World Turns. Of course as the world does turn you will have to head into other rooms to follow the sun, but at least you won't be stuck down stairs. I know a contractor if you need one.

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JUST DESSERTS by Grant Cooper

2011-12-20T09:04:00.000-05:00

GRANT COOPER

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DIS-ORIENTED? by Kevin Bartini

2011-12-19T08:31:00.000-05:00

KEVIN BARTINI

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m of Asian decent and very proud of it. The other day a friend of mine told me that she heard if you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, they become dis-oriented. How do I find out if this is true? I am going to a theme park for my birthday and want to go on the rides.

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KEVIN: Dear Of Asian Decent, What your friend told you was a joke. You see, the Asian continent and surrounding areas are commonly known as the Orient. Therefore asking if you spin an Asian will he become “dis-oriented” is what we call a play on words or a pun. To be disoriented can mean both to become dizzy or to lose ones Orientation. Get it? Another pun. I don’t blame you for not picking up on the sly use of the English language. I’m sure that if your friend had asked that question in the form of a math problem that you would have gotten it, lickety-split. Happy birthday! The year of which animal were you born in? I think I was born in the year of the dog. But I can’t be sure. I don’t have a placemat nearby. You’re going to love going to the theme park to celebrate! I don’t think you really need to worry about getting disoriented on the rides. But you should check ahead. Many of the rides will have a height requirement.

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DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS by Stupid Ass Questions Panel.

2011-12-16T09:35:00.000-05:00

STUPIDASSQUESTIONS.COM

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I bought my cat his christmas presents and would like to display them under the tree. But, I'm afraid he'll open them before it's time. Should I take them to my friends house until Christmas or hid them in the hall closet?

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Our first question to you is... do you realize he’s a CAT? But more important than that, does he still believe in Santa? If you answer yes to either of these 2 questions then we say take the gifts to your friends. If you answer no to the first but yes to the 2nd... seek therapy. Should you answer yes to the first and no to the 2nd... then why bother hiding them. Sit down with you cat and tell him that it’s fun to look at the gifts under the tree and leave them the hell alone and let you enjoy at least ONE thing in your life.

A MEAL IN A MINUTE by Stupid Ass Panel

2011-12-15T04:50:00.001-05:00

STUPIDASSQUESTIONS.COM

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HOLLYWOOD WEIGHT LOSS SECRET REVEALED by Caryn Ruby

2011-12-14T04:27:00.002-05:00

CARYN RUBY

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I hear that if you drink more you will lose more weight. Does it matter if its a particular kind of drink? Like vodka on the rocks, straight scotch or whatever?

Caryn: Of course it matters what you drink! How do you think I stay so thin? Ok, listen closely (well, read carefully then). Here is the secret that no one in Hollywood has ever shared until now: Before noon, you can only drink gin. From 12p-3pm you need to drink rum. From 3-3:15 drink as much water as you can and eat a salad. From 3:15-7pm strictly tequila, then, wine, then tequila; alternating every 6 minutes. at 7:30pm go to sleep.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY STUPID ASS QUESTIONS

2011-12-12T09:12:00.000-05:00

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CAN A SQUARE PEG FIT IN A ROUND HOLE? by Jennifer Anderson

2011-12-09T07:33:00.001-05:00

JENNIFER ANDERSON

IS IT THE CLOTHES THAT MAKES THE MAN OR THE MAN THAT MAKES THE CLOTHES? by Jennifer Anderson

2011-12-08T08:51:00.002-05:00

JENNIFER ANDERSON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I enjoy designing clothing. I'm straight so does this mean that I'm gay now? Should I tell my wife?

Jennifer Anderson: Yes. You are gay. How can you not know? I doubt you have to tell your wife. She knows too. You must make a lot of money, or she would have left you by now.

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COW TIPPING vs. BAD TEETH by Jennifer Anderson

2011-12-07T06:26:00.005-05:00

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Jennifer Anderson

SUPER HEROES! by Jennifer Anderson

2011-12-06T06:29:00.002-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Question: Who is behind the identity of .... Stupid Ass

Questions, and do you have to wear a Superhero uni-tard?

JENNIFER: Ummmmm…if you knew their secret identity, then it wouldn’t be a secret would it? And by the way, I have it on good authority they all wear uni-tards under their blue jeans and target t-shirts, not because they have to, but it feels good.

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ADDAMS FAMILY vs. THE MUNSTERS by Jennifer Anderson

2011-12-05T06:36:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Can you settle a dispute between my wife and me? I maintain that "The Addams Family" was way funnier than "The Munsters." My wife says, "Why should I listen to the opinions of a man dumb enough to drop his Blackberry in the hot tub?"

JENNIFER: Ok..let me explain. The Addams Family was a wonderful 1960 comedy that showed the typical American Family, with all its’ typical American values as men would like them to have been. A sexy wife who stays home and takes care of his every need, two children who refer to him as “Father” and hang on his every word as if it were full of wisdom. He also had living in his perfect, opulent, home, his favorite Uncle and his Mother. They defer to him as the head of the house and always side with him. He has a butler to do all the work. On top of that, he’s incredibly rich! Pretty nice life, huh? That’s why men loved that show. That’s why it was a comedy and it only lasted a few years. Now you have the Munsters, who live in a crumbling home, a guy with a blue collar job at the mortuary, a father-in-law who, oddly enough, is a vampire, so he sucks the life out of you, a son who knows his father is an idiot and a wife who, in spite of everything, still loves her husband, knowing all the while he is the biggest boob in the world and so dumb he can’t be trusted to put the toilet paper up right, let alone with a Blackberry. This is why women love the Munsters. It is, in fact, a reality show and it lasted many years longer than the Addams Family, and even went into movies.

THIS WEEKS COMEDIAN, Jennifer Anderson

2011-12-04T06:42:00.000-05:00

Jennifer Anderson

THANKS MARV ELLIS

2011-12-03T07:43:00.002-05:00

LAW SUIT? by Marv Ellis

2011-12-02T07:35:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: While helping my husband on a construction job I fell and hurt my shoulder. He didn't even ask me if I was ok he just said, "Good thing that didn't happen to someone else or they'd sue me!" Should I teach him a lesson and sue?

MARV ELLIS: Many lessons to be learned here by this gross miscarriage of injustice! First off, your husband actually put you to work on a construction site!? MAN CARD REVOKED!!!! Women don't belong on a construction site for any other reason that to be heckled by men with cat calls and whistles! It's an OSHA standard!!! I have found that "Hey chicky mama!" is the most effective cat call at gaining the arousal of women on construction sites. Follow up with a well intentioned, heart felt "Damn you fine bitch!" and a couple of low pitched, tapering whistles and you will win her over a bar stool every time! That's a lesson for you men out there! :D

Now as far as asking if you were OK, what do you think he is!? A bleeding heart, pansy ass, puppy dog loving, poetry writing, son of Art Garfunkle or something!? NO!!!! HE'S A CONSTRUCTION WORKER!!!! As long as you were breathing you're fine! Shake it off!

As for teaching him a lesson and suing him-- on that point I have to say-- GO FOR IT!!!! He broke OSHA standards by letting you be anything other than eye candy and he has it coming! I'd sue him back into the stone age, take over his construction business, then put the men in his company to work building latrines and portable showers for the Occupy Wall Street people. They're starting to stink :(

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OVINE vs. BOVINE by Marv Ellis

2011-12-01T07:32:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friend's mother just had gastric bypass surgery. I said "That's great your mother won't look like a fat pig anymore but she'll still be dumb. My friend won't answer my calls. Should I have said "fat cow" instead?

Marv Ellis: Ahh, the age old "Ovine vs Bovine" question! Boy if I had a dime--- anyhow-- There are very serious issues when categorizing your friend's mothers in association with less than desirable (though tasty!) farm animals. First off, stating that your friend's mother is of the ovine persuasion puts her in a category of being shunned by two major religions known on this planet. Stating that she is of the bovine persuasion leads people to believe that she is prone to Mad Cows, or foot and mouth diseases. Either or could cast her in a negative light.

As my experience with overweight mothers has been limited to my ex mother-in-law, I can only offer this option: try calling her a "Demonsterative hurricane ball of hate force of evil". It's a universal outcry that has come to symbolize the anguish all men feel at the hands of Satan incarnate. Sure, you can throw out "Cruel" and "Vindictive" and "Smothering" and "Wish the blob would just drop dead" if you'd like, but "Demonsterative hurricane ball of hate force of evil" should sum it up nicely.

As far as your friend not answering the phone, maybe he / she is as dumb as her and doesn't know how to? Try to be compassionate and take all possibilities into consideration :)

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IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT COUNT by Marv Ellis

2011-11-30T07:19:00.004-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I hear that woman should carry pepper spray around with them in case of an attack. I was thinking of making my own with cayenne pepper. My question is, would it make the pain easier to take if I added a hint of lavender or perhaps rose? I’m not into hurting anyone but if I have to at least it won’t be totally unpleasant right?

MARV ELLIS: I'm assuming you were not born prior to the 80's as I have yet to see your face on a milk carton-- That said, I applaud your compassion. 4 out of 5 rapists and murderers polled have stated that they miss that the most from their victims. The other 20% cited money-- this economy has hit everyone hard.

This brings us to your ingenuity! Pepper spray is just a name, as it's not REALLY made up of pepper. It's made up of harsh chemicals that eat away at soft membranes causing excruciating pain to someone trying to end your life. (Gee, sounds like I have experience in the matter :P) Your concoction sounds like something I'd spray in my bathroom after eating chili, polish sausage, corndogs, salsa, broccoli, and a pound of cheese to bunch me up for a week after. As you can imagine, that turned out to be quite a lingering odor!!!

So here's my advise, seeing as you have a bleeding heart death wish-- stay inside your home and manufacture your new product "Extreme Odor Deatherizer!", become a multimillionaire, and order out for all your meals. That way you'll never have to worry about being out in public with all us--- er, them murderers and rapists that you don't want to hurt. :)

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WHEELCHAIR FRIENDLY? by Marv Ellis

2011-11-29T07:16:00.002-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Recently I became friends with someone who is in a wheelchair. Does this mean I can’t make fun of the disabled anymore?

MARV ELLIS: Well first off, we have to define the word "Disabled". My dictionary is at the shop for a tune up, so I called my friend Dick Johnson at the Division of Definitions in Peoria. According to Dick, the term "Disabled" is subjective to say the least. One person may feel you have to be in a coma with no arms or legs before being so much as partially "Disabled". Another person may just think you have to listen to Kenny G. His advice, if you still want to make fun of disabled people, is to become a full fledged member of the Republican Party. Then you can make fun of your friend in the wheelchair calling him / her a "Lazy Bastard" for wanting to be wheeled around instead of getting off his / her fat ass and walking like the rest of us!! And to top it off, you don't have to worry if you offend fat, lazy bastards, cuz it's not like they're going to chase you down and beat you to a pulp or something-- they're fat, lazy bastards.

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SMALL TOWN HICK OR REDNECK by Marv Ellis

2011-11-28T06:55:00.001-05:00

Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I design websites for a living. I just finished the design of a web site with super cool fonts and graphics. I showed it to my client and he said he didn't like it. So I said what the hell do you know. Your just a small town hick. He got mad and asked for his money back. Was I supposed to call him a redneck? I don't know how things work in the back woods.

Marv Ellis: I don't know how things work in the back woods either, so I sent my Amish friend Billy Joe Jedidiah Jacob undercover to investigate. He reported back to me a couple days ago with this e-mail:

Billy Joe Jedidiah Jacob
GO BUTTER TILLERS!!!!!!!!
OK, so I've taught him how to use a mouse and send an e-mail-- next step, the keyboard! So I drove over to his barn to see what he came up with. Here's what he had to say:"Well, I recon that fella perturbed that other fella by callin him a "Hick". Seems that mighta been acceptable practice back in the 60's or even early 70's before everyone got all "Touchy-Feely" about how they's bein addressed! When they's moved on to "Redneck", well, they's still feelin mighty slighted by the reference, so they all got together and settled on a term that they's can all live with. I waited with breathless anticipation-- no, seriously, I did-- I SWEAR!!! "Seems the term "Rose-Tinted Vertebrates" is what they recon they's wants to be called from now on! It's references a sweet smellin flower, and somewhat includes them in the human race. WHAT!?!?!?!? I screamed! INCLUDE BACKWOODS HICKS IN THE HUMAN RACE!?!?!?! ARE YOU NUTS!?!?!?
Geez, what's next I thought?? Include comedians in the human race too!? What in God's name is this world coming to??????
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IT'S WHATS FOR DINNER by Logan Lee

2011-11-24T08:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I over heard my boss talking to his wife about having eggplant for dinner. I really love eggplant. Could I just show up at this house around dinnertime and act like I was invited. He doesn’t have such a great memory & I’ll bring a package of cool-aid to make it look like it was my contribution.

LOGAN LEE: Well, eggplants usually cost less than $5 so if you have a job and transportation you shouldn’t need to scam your way into a meal. Also, there are several ways to ruin eggplant so there’s no guarantee it will taste good.

If you do decide to trick your senile boss into feeding you, it would be appropriate to bring something more substantial than a package of Kool-Aid. You should at least have the courtesy of preparing the Aid before you arrive (water is free)!

In addition to being an awkward houseguest, you could face home invasion charges for using a false premise to enter their home. So if you’re looking at $5 for your own eggplant or 10 years with Butch turning you inside out, it really just depends on how lonely you are!

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WORKERS COMP by Logan Lee

2011-11-23T08:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I got hurt on the job but don’t feel like going to the Dr. because they are so expensive. My sister is a vet and offered to x-ray me and put me on painkillers for dogs. Do you think I have to pay her for this?

LOGAN LEE: Well there’s a fantastic thing called workers compensation which means that if you get hurt at work, even if it’s your fault, they have to pay for your doctor and medication! I suggest going to see a human doctor since they are more capable of addressing your needs, especially if it relates to your tail or snout. You’ll also avoid a mandatory neutering!

If you decide to use your vet sister as your primary care physician you will not be required to pay her for her services. It would be illegal for her to practice medicine on a human and according to Ms. Manners you are not required to pay back ally doctors for their services and may even blackmail them for future free procedures! Make sure she puts those bows behind your ears!

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HAIR-LICIOUS by Logan Lee

2011-11-22T08:18:00.002-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard that peanut butter is loaded with protein and that protein is good for your hair? So I used it as a shampoo but it seemed a bit greasy. Do you think it was the brand I used? Also, I should wear a hat when I leave the house to ward off a squirrel attack? I mean I hear they love peanuts. Is that an old wives tale and they’re getting a bum wrap?

LOGAN LEE: You are quite right; peanut butter does have a high protein content, however, like all other foods you need to eat it with your mouth in order to absorb all its nutrients. Rubbing peanut butter in your hair does moisturize but in no way cleans it and should not be left in when you leave the house. In technical terms you can’t use it as a shampoo but rather as a lubricant. Once your hair is peanut buttered you can feel free to stick your head between stair banister posts or perform an old-timey jailbreak!

There’s no need to fear a squirrel attack while you have peanut butter on your head, as squirrels are raw-foodists and are uninterested in peanuts in processed forms. However, you are likely to be a victim of their pointed ridicule! Neighborhood squirrels will most likely gather to gawk at you for using over processed/high fat forms of the legume! They are notorious for their harassment of people who are slaves to the big nut corporations!

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GRAND CANYON BOUND by Logan Lee

2011-11-21T08:09:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friend is in a wheelchair but she only has MS. Why doesn’t she get up, it’s not like she’s paralyzed. Should I hide her chair? I told my mother that I was thinking of this and she said I’m being insensitive. I think I might be doing her a favor. What do you think?

LOGAN LEE: While I applaud your advocacy for physical fitness and pushing your friend to her athletic peak, though in this case she’d be better off in the wheelchair. Your friend has been given the ultimate life accessory! Let me explain; accessories have been proven to give the wearer perks, for example a watch lets you tell time, a diaper lets you pee your pants, and a set of giant black plastic glasses allow you to infiltrate the hipster clan undetected!

The handicapable community has their own accessories, and a wheelchair is firmly atop that list! Crutches are cool if you’re in high school and sprained your ankle; they’re a great way to get attention. However, as an adult the novelty wears off and you realize that person’s ailment can probably be cured with ice. Prosthetics, while a miracle, are usually hidden requiring the wearer to point it out like a douche to get sympathy. Where as a wheelchair receives instant sympathy garnering unsolicited favors from strangers as well as free rides from people and gravity!

Video:If you have the ability to splurge on your wheeled mobility device I suggest you get a motorized wheelchair! Not only will you not have to worry about having appropriate upper body strength but as long as your battery has juice you can travel on any level surface you want! They even have chairs straight out of “Transformers” that will put you in a standing position if you are no longer able to rely on your muscles to do so…or just did a bunch of lunges!

Also, due to the nature of your friend’s disease if you were to get her standing and walking around, her brain might not be able to send the signal that she is supposed to continue standing thus leaving her to fall into a number of dangerous scenarios. There’s also a chance her balance is effected and at any minute the wall could become the floor!

Best to just leave all healthcare/handicapable style decisions between your friend and her doctor!

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HANDI-CAPPABLE by Stirling Gardner

2011-11-18T09:03:00.002-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My mother needs a wheelchair to get around so she has a handicap sticker for the car. The other day she asked me if I would go to the mall to pick some things up for her. So I took the sticker & went to the mall. Some idiot lady yelled at me for using the handicap parking. I said, “You idiot, it’s for my handicap mother. She said well then where the hell is she? I said at home I’m getting something for her. She said your not suppose to use those unless your handicapped. I yelled, “Well she is”. She then threatens to call security if I didn’t get in my car and move. So I did and as soon as she was in the mall I backed my car into her’s. Sheezzee, what a dope… right?

Stirling Gardner: Is that your question? You spend all that time setting up this story to ask me if I think this lady is a dope? I think everyone’s a dope. You’re a dope, she’s a dope, everyone’s a dope dope. Old McDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o. and on his farm he had a chick that set up a really long situation to finally get to a question that is inane and stupid, e-i-e-i-o. With a dope dope here and a dope dope there, here a dope, there a dope, everywhere a dope dope. Speaking of dopes, I’d like to let you know that your mother is not crippled and actually doesn’t need a wheelchair. She’s just manipulative and lazy and wants to make you get shit for her. This has been true since you were born. Who’s the dope now???

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EVICTION by Stirling Gardner

2011-11-17T09:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Recently, my landlord served an eviction notice on me. It’s for failing to pay rent for the past year. I told him 6 months ago that I didn’t have the money. My question is, do you think he’s hard of hearing? He is old so … Oh and do I have to leave? If I do, do you think he could store my stuff until I find a place?

Stirling Gardner: Actually, I happen to be a landlord myself so I can answer this with no problems. He is not hard of hearing. He is currently entering your apartment when you aren’t home and rooting through your underwear drawer looking for your “period panties” – the ones you wear one weekend a month. I he then takes them and stores them in his oven where he bakes panty cakes and sells them on eBay. He can make way more $$ than you pay in rent so it’s in his best interest not to kick you out.

Just search eBay under “slacker tenant underwear pastry” – you’ll find it.

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THOU SHALT NOT STEAL ny Stirling Gardner

2011-11-16T08:55:00.014-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I found $50 in my husband’s car and I think it belongs to him. I took it and spent it, on lunch with my boyfriend. Was that considered stealing? I’m a Christian and I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

Stirling Gardner: That’s the beautiful thing about being a Christian – you can never do the wrong thing. You can be a one-eyed serial killer having sex with and chopping up autistic toddlers your entire life, but so long as you take Christ as your savior before you kick the bucket yourself, you are not wrong. It’s convenient as hell. Pun intended.

As for the $50, what did your BF have for lunch? This is an important consideration, because if it made him sick and you can reclaim any of that food, then no. If he ate it all down and crapped it out on your chest, it also negates the thievery because you are in fact, a whore that loves scat and then it’s even-steven.

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HISTORY REPEAT'S ITSELF by Stirling Gardner

2011-11-15T08:51:00.001-05:00

Stirling Gardner

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard that they did a lot of coke in the 70's. Can you define a LOT? And I hear history repeats itself so, where should I be when the 70’s repeats it self?

Stirling Gardner: It seems to me that what you are really asking for here is to star in the real life remake of Scarface. Maybe make it a reality show set in current day Miami, but instead of hanging out with someone cool, like a young Al Pacino, you have to do blow with David Caruso, the weirdest redheaded mother fucker on earth. You guys can snort bath tubs full of cocaine, look at each other, remove your sunglasses and say some less-then-witty catchphrase like, “That’s why… pelicans are pink!” before the title sequence rips into The Who song now being covered for you lame show by Justin Beiber. So yeah, a lot = the size of Joe Paterno’s balls for not reporting a molestation crime. And make it Miami. They have terrific Cuban sandwiches.

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THE LITTLE BLUE PILL by Stirling Gardner

2011-11-14T09:22:00.002-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why am I the only one with a brain?

STIRLING: Because you took the blue pill, you moron. Everyone else knew to take the red pill, but you had to be different. Had to separate yourself from the crowd. Well, guess what? Turns out you are indeed the only one with a brain, but you have to hang out with you, your ass and your elbow, while the rest of us bandy about in ignorant brainless bliss. Good luck with that fellowship grant.

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BRAINS by Stirling Gardner

2011-11-14T08:35:00.001-05:00

Stirling Gardner

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why am I the only one with a brain?

STIRLING GARDNER: Because you took the blue pill, you moron. Everyone else knew to take the red pill, but you had to be different. Had to separate yourself from the crowd. Well, guess what? Turns out you are indeed the only one with a brain, but you have to hang out with you, your ass and your elbow, while the rest of us bandy about in ignorant brainless bliss. Good luck with that fellowship grant.

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ECO FRIENDLY by Merc the Coms

2011-11-11T08:57:00.002-05:00

DEAR STUPID ASS QUESTIONS: Someone broke into my house and stole all my earrings. I hate the thought of going to work without any. I just feel naked. How do you think it would look if I stick some painted macaroni noodles to my ears with double sided tape?

MERC THE COMS: That would be stupid. I don’t think you should do it. That's some junk a child would do. What’s wrong with you? -Rodmerc

Bad. -Nikmerc

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IMPORTANT EMAIL by Merc the Coms

2011-11-09T08:57:00.001-05:00

DEAR STUPID ASS QUESTIONS: I just got an important email from Barak Obama! I had no idea he even knew I existed. Do you think that we are pen pals? I signed up to be pen pals with someone while I was in high school, maybe it was him. Maybe he'll hire me as the new vice president! I'm so excited that he wrote me!!! Should I quit my job right away? I want to be ready to go when he calls me to the oval office. Maybe I should pack now. Wait… first should I write back and see when he wants me to leave?

MERC THE COMS: Don’t mess with that dude. Just don’t mess with that dude.

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FREE ADVICE by Merc the Coms

2011-11-08T05:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m a counselor and when people find out they are always asking me for free advice. It drives me nuts. Should I tell them that I lost my hearing? I could buy fake hearing aids on Ebay and wear them. Then, when people start in I could just keep yelling out "WHAT?! WHATTT?!"

MERC THE COMS: As a counselor you shouldn't be asking other people for advice.

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S'ING THE D OF TPTB by Merc the Coms

2011-11-07T07:58:00.001-05:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m new to this country and recently I’ve heard much talk about day light savings time.  Do you know why they are saving it and where do they keep it?

MERC THE COMS: As Professional Bad Coms Mercs, we merc Bad Coms. If said Bad Coms is S’ing the D of TPTB, we will merc them out. The whole Daylight Savings Time is clearly the work of TPTB.

METER MADNESS by Nick Cobb

2011-11-04T07:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: If I park in a 20 minute parking spot and I am there more then 20 minutes, will the 20-minute parking police come and get me??

Nick: Yes, but fortunately 20-minute meter maids are fewer and farther between than ever before. They are of the old guard. They've been replaced by the 7-minute and 8-minute (jettisoned from the Abs video company) , and THEY can't touch you. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly cheeky (I'm in the UK right now - forgive me), I stand outside my car at the 8 minute mark and taunt them. When they get close enough to see the meter with 12 minutes left, I can watch them cry and wish they stayed in parking school.

Don't forget about the 30-minute parking police who can only stand-by and wait, looking at their watches, while ultimately being disappointed.....as you'll never go ten minutes past. Of course the 30-minute police are a sad lot and should be pitied. Now the 45 are a whole different story...crazy sons of....

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WORKOUT OR EAT OUT? by Nick Cobb

2011-11-03T08:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am on a diet but I can't stop eating when I watch tv. Would it be better if I watch a workout show while I eat?

Nick: First off, how can these work-out people be so happy? Working out is boring and tedious and looks ridiculous to objective parties. I can't walk past a gym without pointing and laughing and eating donuts at these miserable people. Working out is awful and I don't believe these hosts on workout shows are happy. Not for a second. Second, yes, eat while you watch workout shows. I can't get through a Bioflex infomercial without a bucket of chicken or a couple bratwursts and a poptart (with frosting). Third, stop working out. People who work out are secretly miserable and just want to get you into their unhappy tribe on constant one-upmanship. In fact, the only happy people on television are the Food Network cooks/hosts. They are delightful. You will not find a single depressed host on the Food Network. So if you're going to work-out, do it watching the Food Network. At least you won't detest who you're watching.

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HAIR, MY CROWNING GLORY by Nick Cobb

2011-11-02T09:57:00.000-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: This winter has been so cold that my heat was constantly on. Because of this my hair has gotten extremely dry and also seems to be falling out. Can I sue my electric company?

NICK: Dear Sir --- I don't know if you can but sue anyway. Who cares? Robbers, murderers and kidnappers sue their victims all the time, and they're terrible people. You're just a spoiled brat that can't handle a little baldness in December. The worst that can possibly happen? Judge Judy yelling at you on national television. My "Judy Judy-Appearance" advice to incite sympathy: when they fly you out for Judge Judy do NOT stay in the nice hotel they will provide for you. Go sleep on a park bench somewhere in the Bronx next to a questionable man with a large cooler (though don't complain to the homeless about your heating issue). To win this case, you need to look as terrible as possible. It wouldn't hurt to roll into the courtroom in a wagon or talk with a stutter. Yes, these are completely unrelated to your heat problem but that doesn't matter. It would help if you could find some BEFORE pictures as well, or maybe some former partners who can vouch that you used to be much better looking. Basically, character/hair witnesses.

Also, talk AROUND the issue. Go watch ol' George Bush Jr answer questions about Weapons of Mass Destructions. Take notes. Before long you'll have enough money for a wig or a scrunchie or something. Of course, your dignity will be lost forever. Having said that, I really support you in this one. I think I'm going to sue my mom for having me under the Pisces sign. It's the lamest sign on the calendar. She couldn't have had me a day or two earlier? How beautiful would my life be as an Aquarius?!

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ANOTHER WORTHWHILE STUDY by Nick Cobb

2011-11-01T08:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is it true that a new study just determined that married people are more likely to get divorced than single people ?

NICK: I have no doubt that this is true and I have no doubt that people in elevators everywhere are reading that embarrassing factoid on a computer screen and making jokes about where our tax dollars go. I'm not above this "Average Joe" stance. If this statement is true, it is beyond pathetic. Americans are no longer ashamed of anything. And now even our research has suffered. Where is the shame that scientists used to face when he/she walked into a patent's office with a block of wood with a piece of felt on it? "It's a time-table." "No it's crap!" they would say (in Irish accent). Is this really where "progress" has led us to? Now that middle class folks can go to the moon over a three-day weekend and a three year old can divorce his parents and marry his dog?! Is there nothing else to explore, explain, exploit, discover or discredit? Just idiot "research" my bagel-making friend Antoine "The Bone" Timms could have told me after he got married twice during spring break?! And all that took was a study abroad program, a karaoke night and three silver bullets (his favorite).

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UNI-BOOBS? by Bob Kitson

2011-10-31T06:22:00.001-04:00

BOB KITSON

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I notice a lot of those tank tops for sale. You know, the ones with the built in bra that make you look like you are sportin a uniboob? Is this look suppose to be attractive? Couldn’t I just wrap myself in duct tape and get the same effect? A whole roll of duct tape is only a dollar at the dollar store unless you go to the Dollar General. Then it could be a dollar or more.

BOB: Chicks in Duct Tape bras are pretty hot even if you’re not a redneck hillbilly. Enough Said!!

THANKS JORDAN WIELEBA!!!

2011-10-29T10:12:00.000-04:00

Thank you Jordan for being our guest this week on StupidAssQuestions.com. We have had many requests for your future services. Guess you must have helped a few people out there with your good advice and all. If any of you have missed Jordan you can visit StupidAssQuestions.com to catch up. When Jordan isn't helping us you can find out where he is performing at Fried Nothing.

GOOD ADVICE by Jordan Wieleba

2011-10-28T07:19:00.000-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: As a doctor I find people always asking for free advice and it's really making me mad. Should I give them the wrong advice to teach them a lesson?
JORDAN: From what I understand, you are wanting to give people fake advice to teach them a lesson? If you are reading, have read, or are planning on reading any advice I have given to people on StupidAssQuestions, you will learn that fake advice is the best advice. My suggestion? Trick it up a little. Give them a recipe for parmesan-crusted tilapia or teach them how to change a spark plug. When they look back at you with a blank stare, just tell them you learned it from a drunken squirrel wearing pajama jeans and eat a banana with your ear. Then maybe they’ll stop asking your advice.
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Jordan Wieleba approached to do public service announcement for scams directed at the elderly.

2011-10-27T08:31:00.001-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Michelle Obama just called me on the phone. She asked me for my credit card information. It seemed fishy, I mean it just didn’t sound like her and I said I didn’t believe it was her. That is until her husband, Barack got on the phone. He assured me it was her and, that I could give her my information with confidence. He said they were becoming a more hands on administration. Well, after he asked me how things were going he handed me over to Michelle to complete everything. The only thing is, she asked me to send a signed blank check so she could verify my identity to Pakistan. Are they on vacation AGAIN?

JORDAN: What are you, un-American? Of COURSE you should give the Obamas all of your credit card information. While you’re at it, give them your social security number, your bank account numbers, your cell phone contacts, your mother’s maiden name, where you went to elementary school, what your top score on Angry Birds is, what you thought of the ending of “Lost”, how many olives you can put on your fingertips and how many times you watched “Jersey Shore” and thought “Man, if those drunken idiots can get on TV, why can’t I!?” But that’s it. Don’t give them any more information or you might get bamboozled. To quote Mr. President-Pants: “Yes we can… take all yo’ money, sucka”!

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A NOSE BY ANY COLOR WOULDN'T PAINT AS SWEET Or something like that by Jordan Wieleba

2011-10-26T08:48:00.002-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Question: I saw on the news the other day an elephant that painted and they were selling his paintings for thousands of dollars. Do you think I could splash paint around and say my cat did it? I bet I could make a killing on ebay! Maybe paintings would go for more money if I stick a paint brush in my nose like those people with no arms. I could be the world’s first Rhino artist. I could call myself Pinocchio. Or is that already taken? It sounds vaguely familiar.

JORDAN: I’m going to let you in on a little secret… that elephant? It’s me. All me. I came up with the idea in 1994 and since then I have sold 142 paintings under the guise of a big, stinky, wrinkly elephant. And don’t tell me you seen a video of this elephant in action. Bear in mind that you can do a lot with CGI effects these days and I’m formally trained in the ancient art of B.S. In fact, that’s where all my painting money goes. To pay back the student loans I incurred at the National Institute of B.S. So before you go all willy-nilly and decide to steal my thunder, remember this: an elephant never forgets. The… advice he’s giving… to… people. Put THAT on your canvas and smoke it. Ha! But you can be a rhino if you want. I don’t care. Halloween is close.

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BLIND AMBITION by Jordan Wieleba

2011-10-25T08:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love the shows where they do home makeovers. I bet you can earn sweet money doing that, but it seems like something anyone could do. Would it fly if I make a resume for myself and say I worked on “Extreme Make Over Home Edition” and start charging for my services? And do you think it matters if I’m colorblind? Well, actually I’m blind. But I could feel my way around the room and I am good at telling different colors apart if someone tells me what they are. My seeing-eye dog could help me move things around. He does great doggie tricks too.

JORDAN: May I remind you of a little someone named Stevie Ray Charles? That guy was completely blind and managed to fool the whole entire world into thinking he was actually two different people. He even fooled Michael Jackson, the greatest trickster of them all. So who is to say you can’t live your dream even though you can’t see it? However, instead of using “Extreme Make Over Home Edition” you might be better off putting a show like “Hoarders” on your resume. The more crap you can fill a room with, the less the person you’re designing for will be concerned about the little things like color or smell. I have 20 five foot tall stacks of newspapers from the early 1980’s in my apartment – they go GREAT with my armoire. I say go ahead and become an interior designer. As for your dog… get a cat.

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FIRST DATE FAUX PAS by Jordan Wieleba

2011-10-24T06:15:00.002-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I went on a blind date last night and got trashed. It was so bad that when I talked I couldn't form words properly. I'm upset cuz I'd like to go out with him again. Do you think he’d believe me if I call and say that I was speaking German all night in preparation for an exam the next day?

JORDAN: First off, it’s common practice to get absolutely blitzed on a first date. Alcohol brings out the very best in people – don’t be afraid to show your true drunken colors! I recommend a healthy dose of Petron with a Pabst Blue Ribbon chaser (in some countries that’s known as a “brain enema”). If you are that concerned about your slurred speech, perhaps you should get trashed every time you see this guy so that way he thinks you have a speech impediment. Practice makes perfect. You might even be able to park in handicapped parking. In the off-chance this guy actually speaks German, just remember a little Deutsch saying: “Wo ist meine hose? Gleich um die ecke!” and you will have a partner for life. FOR LIFE!

WHERE'S CANADA? by Barb Best

2011-10-21T09:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Yah, Hi.... Ummmm Could you tell me what street Canada is on?

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BARB: Uh, Ummm, Yo. I get that question all the time. And I will not blow you off by telling you “Google it, dude.” Canada is on the UN sunny side of the street under mile-high snowdrifts and ice mounds. BTW, the only one who has actually seen Canada is a polar bear named Monty. He took this photo:

FIVE STAR CAMPING by Barb Best

2011-10-20T04:20:00.001-04:00

BAR BEST

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I went to Yellowstone Park’s website to check things out before I take my whole family. You know, to be prepared. Anyway after viewing everything I got quite worried. On their map they have all the entrances marked with signs, but they have no exit signs. How will we get out?

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BARB: Simple. When you’re ready to leave the park, flag down one of Yellowstone’s many ravenous Grizzlies or resident serial killers - they’ll “direct” you! Congratulations, nothing says “I love my family” like dying a gory death in the Godforsaken wilderness. Camping is not for the faint of heart, the flimsy of spine, or the meek of stomach. An alternative to Yellowstone: Pitch an AeroBed on the balcony of a five star hotel, pop a bottle of bubbly, and pig out on Smores ‘til the cows come home. BTW: For me, a weekend away from L.A. or NYC. is camping.

PEOPLE OF WALMART by Barb Best

2011-10-19T09:04:00.000-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Question: Why does Walmart have like 20 checkouts but only 2 lanes that are open? Isn't this false advertisement? Doesn't it give the shopper a false sense of get out fast security? Should I call my congressman and report them?

BARB: Yes, by all means call your congressman and bitch a blue streak. Your guy in D.C. told me just yesterday that he doesn’t chew the fat enough with scintillating constituents like you. BTW, if he sounds like he’s distracted while you’re bending his ear, he’s probably just multitasking – you know - taking screenshots of his itsy bitsy teenie weenie private parts so he can sext them to horny Cub Scouts and slutty interns on his Twitter list.

BTW NEWS FLASH: WalMart is not exactly known as the Nascar of tacky discount stores. You want customer service? Try Saks Fifth Avenue.

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HARVEY! by Barb Best

2011-10-18T08:33:00.001-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Recently while on Facebook a "friend" said to me, "Next time I go to the lake I'll take you". It's been a month now and he hasn't called. Should I just show up at his house with my family? Do you think I should bring food or will he have everything prepared? And does it matter that I really don’t know him?

BARB: Sure, honey. Knock yourself out all day in the hot kitchen. Spare no expense. I would also invite ALL your FB friends and their families, too. While you’re at it, add your other social network pals to the guest list. The more the merrier!

BTW, “he” isn’t your friend. He doesn’t have a cool house on the lake. He probably isn’t even a “he.” Geez, it used to be that only clinically lonely kids and certified psychotics had imaginary friends. Now every sad goofball on Facebook has a bevy of BFFs. “Harvey” ring a bell?

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CELEBRITY SMILE by Barb Best

2011-10-17T09:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My best friend let me use her car. Well, after being out at my local bar I accidentally hit a phone pole. She would be so mad if she knew I went out that night and got drunk without her. Would it be ok if I ditched it somewhere and said it was stolen?

BARB: Great question. Ditch the crappy car in your local junkyard, then dump your dopey friend. She says you can’t drink and drive without her? Who does she think she is - Lindsay Lo? Sounds way too clingy! You may be cultivating a stalker in that sicko relationship. BTW, aren’t you thrilled you’re not a celebrity and didn’t get your very stupid ass arrested and your skeezy mug shot splashed all over TMZ for the entire world to enjoy? Friends don’t let friends be stupid asses – unless, of course, they are, too.

For your amusement, watch “Smile!” and weep!