Tuesday, October 30, 2012

CASPER, THE NOT SO FRIENDLY GHOST by Joanne Filan


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a neighbor that I find very annoying. I figure that Halloween is the perfect time to get back at him for all the annoying things he does. Should I dress up as Casper the Ghost and when he opens the door just punch him in the face and steal the bowl of candy? Everyone knows Casper was always getting in trouble.


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Dear Casper, Well you're certainly on the right track. But perhaps you should step it up a notch. Try ringing his doorbell and when he answers, punch him in the face with a knife instead. Then lay your Casper costume over his dead body and the cops will just figure Casper was "getting into trouble" again as you said. Or they may just blame it on "those meddling kids" from Scooby Doo. Either way you're in the clear to enjoy your bowl of candy! 
Happy Halloween!
Your spiritual guide,
Joanne

Monday, October 29, 2012

EAT YOUR VEGGIES by Steph Inglesfield



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a stomach ache and I just can't understand why. Do you think that eating 2 lbs. of candy corn cold have anything to do with it? I thought that since it was made from a vegetable it would be ok, right?


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With all these ghoulies, eyeballs, gut jellies, zombie feasts... You think your stomach ache is due to Candy Corn! You fool! I say, eat Candy Corn till you puke, it's only Halloween once a year, right?
Now, I had to look up Candy Corn on Wikipedia since you insular passportless Americans just assumed that me, a sophisticated, Chanel perfumed French lady would know such a tasteless, palate insulting little treat. The wee suppository shaped sweet in question is made mostly of wax. Considering its body friendly shape, I can only imagine it is earwax we are dealing with here. You transatlantic folks are gross.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

IF IT'S ON SESAME STREET THEN.....by Jeffrey Jena



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was watching Sesame Street with my child the other day and they were showing a woman breastfeeding her baby. Now, my child is constantly pulling open my shirt while saying, “Milk, milk, milk”. I never breast fed my baby and actually have felt guilty that I didn’t. I don’t want my child to blame me later in life for their oral fixation with things. Do you think I should start now or is it too late?

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Jeffrey:
Dear Lactose Intolerant,
You neglect to tell us two important facts that we need before we can give you an answer. First, are you a woman or a man? Second, how old is your child? If you are a man and your child is now 25 your problems are now beyond my help. If you are a woman and your child is under the age of two, give it a shot! No pun intended! However, remember if you are going to breastfeed in public you should bring enough for everyone! 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

ICE CREAM, THE OTHER WHITE MEAT by Jeffrey Jena


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is it so wrong that all I want to do is eat ice cream all day long? My wife seems to think so but I don’t see the problem. After all, doesn’t everyone eat ice cream?

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Dear Butterfat,
The only reason your wife has an objection to your constant clogging of your coronary arteries is that you are the main breadwinner. She fears watching you keel over and becoming a single mom with no future. Buy a nice twenty five year term life policy with a 2 million dollar payout and soon she’ll be serving up endless bowls of Haagen-Dazs with a side of lard! Bon Appetit! 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I'M FULL by Jeffrey Jena



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I made cookies today for my children to have after school. However, I ate all except for a few crumbs and burnt ones. Should I save that for them or throw them out…… I'm full.

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Dear Crumbsucker,
Your first mistake was having kids, but since we’re way past there let’s talk about cookies. If you leave the burnt cookies out on a plate your kids will turn up their nose. Make them eat the burned cookies. NO MILK! Repeat this scenario for several weeks. Soon your kids will be asking for carrot sticks and that healthy crap they are being brainwashed with at the government school down on the corner. Soon you are munching down trays of Fudge Stripes while they are anorexic teens counting the calories in a Wheat Thin. Thank you Dr. Pavlov. 

Friday, October 5, 2012

DUMB ASS QUESTION by Joseph Conklin


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I know you are busy, but let me run this one by you. If it's called corn on the cob, why then, does everyone insist I eat my, corn on the curb?


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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner,

  I am very busy and I am a little worried how you knew that, however since this seems incredibly important to you so I will take time out of my way more important life to address your corn based dilemma in which you are wondering exactly why you’ve been directed by everyone else in your life to consume your corn on the cob, on the curb and point out to you that the answer is quite obvious…

No one likes you because you bother them with dim-witted questions about things like where to eat corn.  Now go sit on the curb, I have better things to do.

Your Friend and Mine,

Thursday, October 4, 2012

WHEN PUSH COMES TO PULL by Joseph Conklin


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I want to open my own rickshaw business in India. I noticed that everyone there pulls their rickshaws and I want to step outside the box… be different than all the rest. Do you think pushing them would make me a good buck or would I make more money selling ice to Eskimos?

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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner,

First off you’re ridiculous. You don’t have a snowballs chance in Hell of making a single dime selling ice to Eskimos. They live where ice grows. Terrible idea.
Which leads me directly into your Rickshaw scheme.  I mean, I applaud you on going for the ironic novelty of an American immigrant driving a taxi in India (it’d be even better if you gave up a doctorate to do it), but I find flaw in your plan to push instead of pull.  You see, you’ll just be fulfilling a worldwide stereotype of wealthy out of touch with reality American’s approach to other countries by always seeking to Push them around rather than tow them along behind us.  If you go to India and start pushing people around they’re gonna protest peacefully and stop eating.  While this may make pushing them around easier, it’s going to make your hipster friends back in America get upset and protest you online for your business practices for at least a week which is long enough to cause your wealthy parents to get embarrassed at their last name trending as a hashtag, pull your funds and you’ll find yourself pulling your own weight in your Rickshaw business, which isn’t really the kind of thing you’re seeking out of a job and you know it.  
Go back inside the box where it’s safely funded and leave the hard work to the professionals.

Your Friend and Mine,

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

ITALIAN BREAD DIET by Joseph Conklin


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My diet says I can have one slice of bread a day. I bought a loaf of un-sliced bread and cut it in half. Then I ate half cuz that's one slice. I keep gaining weight. Is it because I should be using whole wheat?

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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner,

  Nooooooo, that’s the last thing you want to do - whole wheat is one of the most fattening breads when eaten in half loaf slices! What you need is a loaf of French Bread. The good news about having to eat this Italian bread knockoff is that you won’t even have to cut it just in half, you can slice just a bit off the end and the entire loaf will simply surrender to your every demand!
  Then all you have to do is order it to betray its own content and you can have as much bread as your gluten based gluttony desires without worrying about gaining anymore weight in this world (just ask the Germans)
  By the way, just a personal opinion – any diet that tells you what to do isn’t the diet for you. You need a diet that accepts you for who you are and finds a measure of compromise to both your needs. Just sayin.

Your Friend and Mine,

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

ALIEN ABDUCTION by Joseph Conklin


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I fear I've been the victim of an alien abduction and don't know how to be sure of it. They left no visible marks or evidence of, "probing", however my head feels a little fuzzy and I want to sleep real close to the tin foil drawer in the kitchen. Any suggestions?


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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner,
The most obvious two signs of an alien abduction are a fuzzy feeling head and the fear that it’s actually happened.  As far as the sleeping near tinfoil thing, you could possibly be leftovers seeking acceptance but I’m not a culinary psychologist so I’ll just stick to what I am qualified to help you out with and that’s extraterrestrial paranoia. 
  The fuzzy feeling in your head is a symptom of coming into contact with a level of technology you are simply not capable of understanding which leads directly to the second symptom, the fear that it has actually happened. 
  The fear brought on by contact with a technologically advanced peoples is common with the preferred victims of “aliens” when they’re out probing folks – Rednecks.
  So, I suggest the next time you feel abducted you immediately write down the details like a savage with a pen and piece of paper and try to remember what the “aliens” were wearing, like a uniform that said “Best Buy” on it or something.

Your Friend and Mine,

Monday, October 1, 2012

LOST IN SPACE by Joseph Conklin


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a friend whom I chat with, etc. on a social network and well…I think she may be an alien. She's not green or anything like that (at least if she is she photoshops her pictures), but she says silly things now and then like, "easy peasy lemon squeezee" and the like.) I thinks these phrases are some type of code to her real friends in space. How should I proceed?

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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, Well done…not many have been able to open up their minds to the most sinister portal for an actual alien invasion to take place – via our online social networks! While everyone watches the sky for UFO’s aliens are slipping into our society via friend requests and retweets. They are planning on taking us over one adorable cat picture at a time while distracting us via motivational meme’s that we read all the while sitting on our butts in front of the computer doing nothing but reading about how we should do things other than sit on our butts. Well played aliens!
  I suggest you proceed by fighting fire with fire!  The first thing you should do is start a podcast on the topic that you can over promote to your friends and have them start to hate the online you, this will deter the aliens from being interested in you because they are attention whores and the less friends you have the less likely you are to be socially probed.  The next thing you should do is make a series of Youtube videos documenting the conspiracy you have now found yourself wrapped up in.  This will ensure that no one online will ever want to be your friend again unless they are exactly like you and are just as uninteresting to these social aliens.  Then you can all form a community together and be totally safe from the alien invasion and anything else interesting in real life, like someone that’s a “she” willing to talk to you in the first place. Just don’t call this collective “World of Warcraft” because someone beat you to it and your parents will be real mad if you got sued for something you did in their basement…again.

Your Friend and Mine,