Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My grandmother falls a lot and because of such falls has broken just about every bone in her body. Anyway, to get to her car she goes out her back door even though there is a safer way to get to the garage. In the winter the back door way is covered with ice and snow drifts 5 feet high (she’s pretty good at climbing). We are starting to worry that one day we will find a human granny pop. Should we nail the back door shut or just leave a shovel out there and let her dig herself out?
Diane: Neither. Everyone will be happy if you take this simple suggestion. Get some of those big plastic tubes that they use for the children’s play areas and build Granny a colorful plastic all-weather route from her back door to the garage. Since she’s broken so many bones, I assume she’s shrunken and stoop shouldered and will have no trouble walking through the tubes. If gerbils and hamsters can get the hang of it, so can she. Snow and ice will be no problem, and you won’t have to worry about the granny pop! Maybe even add a slide to make things more fun!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard on TV that woman who are pregnant are now covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act. Would it be dumb if I get pregnant so I too can get special treatment and premo parking?
Diane: It would be dumb not to! Of course the downside to going this route is that you may be forced to pee on a stick to prove eligibility and you’ll only get nine months of benefits. Once that baby is born, you’ll be back to parking at the end of the earth and trudging through pot-holed parking lots. Of course breastfeeding that new baby can lead to saggy breasts, and if your boobs sag low enough that you trip over them you could re-qualify as disabled.
Another option would be to have someone take a sledgehammer to your feet and “hobble” you like Kathy Bates did to James Caan in the movie “Misery.” What are a few months of excruciating pain compared to a lifetime of prime parking spots? If you don’t own a sledgehammer, another option would be to have someone chop off some of your toes with an axe. That’s what Clyde Barrow of Bonnie & Clyde did to get out of hard work detail at a Texas prison. These proven techniques can work for you, too!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have always wanted to be a dentist, but, lack the funds. My brother works for a mortician and said I could practice on the corpses’ at night. He said he would sneak me in but I would have to keep the lights off so as not to disturb folks. I’m a little leary of his offer because I am afraid of the dark. Do you think I would get better lighting with a flashlight or a lantern?
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Joel: I think you should find other ways to pursue your dreams. If you were in a horse race, you'd be the long shot. Working in the dark is the least of your problems. Your brother is a kind person, but sounds like you both lack intelligence. If a flashlight or lantern is your question at hand, shouldn't you be thinking twice about dentist school? Just saying.....
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I had my first date the other night and before I left my father says, "Don't give away the milk or he won't buy the cow". Was I suppose to bring milk and charge him for it?
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Joel: Your father is a gem. He was questioning the morals of his little princess. I'm pretty sure if your father knows you, he shouldn't have to remind you. Unless your father has a good sense of humor? Sounds like he might have heard been the rumors floating around town about you. Never charge for milk, you'll get arrested and have bigger problems on your hands....
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I noticed this year that the government buildings in my area added Kwanza decorations. I celebrate Festivus and was wondering if you think they'd add a Festivus pole as well. They could use a broom handle to save on the cost of a real Festivus pole. AND the best part, NO decorations needed. Thus very cost effective.
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Joel: You should probably use the advice: Pick and choose your battles. If not having a pole up is the worst of your worries, you're doing just fine. Nothing's stopping you from hanging one in your home. Just don't bother the rest of us with your Festivus comeback!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I need your advice. So I invite a few old friends from back in the day over. They were part of my Tribe when I was way young. I offer them a painting each, of mine, and begin to sign the back for them, but none of them want to take their piece home with them this night. Should I be insulted? Should I take offense and not offer them the paintings? Am I like an art delivery service that should bring it to them? Two of them don't even live in NYC? What is up? Signed, Plucked in NYC
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Joel: YES! Your friends are insulting you. But many of your friends are a bunch of followers and if one person said they weren't taking it home, they all followed suit. It's even worse that you signed the back. Dig the knife a little bit further into your back. That hurts. Good thing they are friends from back in the day, do you have new friends yet?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I bought a pair of pants recently and when I was taking off the tags I discovered that they have a hidden pocket. Do you know how to find it?
Joel: If finding a hidden pocket on your pants has excited you, you're WAY ahead of the game in life. You are a simple person that should be very happen for years to come. And looks like you have a new favorite pair of pants. Congrats.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am addicted to psychic stuff. Psychic hot lines, psychic fairs. You name it psychic and I’m addicted. Problem is, it’s getting very costly. Sometimes I can’t feed my children. Are there rehabs for people like me? Or should I open my own psychic hotline to pay for my habit. Sometimes I know things so maybe I am psychic.
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Forrest: I say just keep calling. Call as much as you can. There is absolutely no down side at all. Not even a little. Have the psychics told you that you will be homeless and all of your kids will starve to death? No. I bet they haven’t, and seeing that you are talking to people who know what the future is, I would say you are fine. Don’t you think they would tell you that if it was in the cards? Of course they would. Even if it meant they would lose money. Psychics are powerful, all-knowing beings and they are not on the same spiritual plane as us, so there is no way that they would keep bad news a secret. You should use their services for all of your decisions no matter how small. “Should I eat breakfast?” Call a psychic. “Should I even wake up today?” Call a psychic. “Should I call a psychic?” Call a psychic.
About the second part: Should you open you’re own psychic hot-line? No! You are not psychic. The fact that you had to ask this questions proves it. Trust me, psychics know other psychics, and I don’t know you. This reminds me, by they way, that I have recently open my own psychic hot-line. The all seeing Forrest Haigh can tell you what the future holds and and anything else you will pay to hear. Just send you questions to my twitter account. Plus, for the sake of validity, pretend I have a Jamaican accent and a crystal ball. That seems appropriate.
Lastly, remember this old axiom: “If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?” Forrest knows. Call a psychic. Call Forrest the Great.StupidAssQuestions.com
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Question: The meth lab we opened in the city’s storm drain was recently shut down. They called what we were doing with highly-toxic, highly-addictive chemicals in a plastic bottle a one-pot or shake-and-bake method. Would we have been shut down if we used 2 pots & called it mix and stir?
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Forrest: I get this question all the time and I will give you the answer I have given the countless thousands who have asked me before you. Yes. There is a third option, though. A slightly less known solution that has been tried-tested and, at this point, is as legal as lollipops. Let me explain. You know what I like about cooking meth? I am sure I speak for everyone when I say the good old fashioned gettin’-it-done-atude. Being indoors in a damp smokey room, spending time with the kids and passing down the trade, cleaning the dentures we all need, and, most importantly, making quality product that not only am I proud to distribute but also that I am proud to pass around the Christmas table to really bring the family together. It’s just magical. How do I get this done legally? I call it the “James Bond Meth-od.” I make my meth shaken, not stirred. This may be confusing. I am sure you are asking, “What’s the third option? I’ve already tried shake and bake and got shut down!” The difference is that I don’t bake. I sell bags of the meth mixture and then I let the client do the baking. This absolves me of all legal liability and more importantly personal ethics. I just sell cough syrup mixed with rat poison to what I believe are fine upstanding business owners and children. What those junkies do with it is there demon. Maybe they have a cold and a rat problem. That’s what I’m saying at the pearly gates. See you at the Chinese buffet parking lot; that’s my territory.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: So, one of my Stupid Ask Questions is, it being the Jewish New Year, we have to fast (yes, I'm a Jew in showbiz, how odd). Anyway, one of the rules on Yom Kippur is no bathing, no oils, no deodorant, no washing. So, my questions is, who would WANT to have sex?
Forrest: Men! In general we want that. Little rule of thumb I picked up. I was in a truck stop restroom in Santa Fe a little too close to midnight when I learned that lesson. I guess it would be more accurate to say I was taught. Never mind that.
Plus, homeless people. Homeless people have sex all the time with way worse conditions. No bathing? No oils? Mo problem. That’s their everyday. Ask the same question again and end it with “in broad daylight in a park on a pile of empty Cheetos bags” and you might start to gain an understanding of their life spiral. You see nightmare and they see a romance novel with the side benefit of marking one’s territory. So I don’t know who this Yom Kippur fella is, but men and homeless people don’t get it. The only thing that limits the sex of these two groups is opportunity and, in the case of the homeless, a good sandwich. Actually, the sandwich thing applies to both groups. Forrest Haigh signing off.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Was the movie, “Forest Gump” written about Forrest Haigh but his last name was changed to protect the innocent?
Forrest: You’ve just stumbled upon the greatest government secret of all time. Crafty one you are. Who have you been in contact with? Tabitha? Did she tell you anything about the rendezvous? Did she make any comments about the quiche I brought? Good or bad? Don't answer that. You already know too much. Have you checked the lines for taps? My side is clear. OK. Tell me what you know?! Oh. Pulling the old “Not gonna say anything and wait for the other guy to make the first move” trick. I've seen it once I've seen it a thousand times. I could counter with, ”Guy pretends that he gets a call and then must take that call so that he can slip away in a really awkward scenario” switch-a-maroo but I won't. We're both gentlemen, for god's sake. I'll go first.
Its the the late 1990's. The project was code named “Pandas Be Shoppin'” or, on the streets, P.B.S.. PBS had employed a young janitor named Forrest Haigh. At least that's what we thought. We couldn't have been more wrong. He was strong as ten men and could balance any number of things at once. He had so much beauty that it emitted light out of the top of his head so that, even though he had a long flowing mane of lochs so smooth and curly that he looked a brunnette disco ball, he forever looked bald and still somehow pulled it off. He's cool, this Forrest Haigh, and he had a secret. Yes, he was good at ping pong. Yes, he had seen the movie Forrest Gump. And finally he did know some one named Jennifer. We even believe that it could sound like Jeni if said with the proper accent and dialect. Could it be, my friend, that Forrest Haigh was written about Forrest Gump? We don't know. We haven't made up enough evidence as of yet but I'll tell you this - if he is what we think he is (and you better hope that he isn't), we are in for quite the treat. And you can write that down, SON!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just found out that there are people out there who clean your teeth called dental hygenist. My question... I've been brushing my teeth on my own so do I stop doing that now and only get it done twice a year?
Christian: Dear Gummer Your answer is YES! Why waste the money on toothpaste, toothbrushes, dental floss and listerine when you could be buying CANDY!!!! LOTS AND LOTS OF CANDYYY!!!! PS..... we also suggest you buy some breath mints & face mask.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband just found out he has high blood pressure & was told to loose weight. I don’t know how to cook so well so I started watching Paula Deen on the food network. Mostly because my husband says she’s gotta be the best chef he ever saw and if I loved him I’d help him. So I started using her southern fried foods along with her doughnut hamburger. He said I cook great. But last visit he had gained another 25 lbs. Am I cooking it wrong?
Christian: Dear Stupid Ass,What do doctors know, the worlds heaviest man weighed in at 1225 pounds, now that’s a goal! Double all the sugar, butter, and breading in Deen’s recipes and get that boy on “Weight Gain 4000!” Get him a tight tank top that says “BEEFCAKE,” and he’s sure to be featured in one of those “freaks of Wal-Mart” emails soon
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband and I go to Crispy Cream almost everyday & share ½ dozen donuts. When I weighed myself I had gained 30 lbs and he gained 50. All, in 2 months time. I don’t know how this happened. We always share & never get our own. What’s wrong?
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Christian: Dear Stupid Ass, Don’t have that “glazed” look in your eye, he’s cheating on you girl. Just when you thought it was all “sprinkles,” he was getting his “cream filled” on the side. You need to put that Donut hole “ho” in check and maybe you can come out on top like Kobe Bryants wife, and get “frosted.”
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just read in a magazine while waiting in my gynocologist office about a woman who inseminated herself using a turkey baster & her gay friend’s sperm. I really want a child but can’t afford what the doctor would charge. My question is two fold. One, is gay sperm better than hetero sperm and two can I use the turkey baster after for our thanksgiving turkey?
Christian: Dear Stupid Ass, Some may not believe me, but I don’t care. I honestly was raised by two men. My biological father truly is gay, and I turned out to be a right winged, evangelical, Christian, republican who does stand up comedy and tricks for cash (magician) while staying up late watching fox news, so… I’m “pro-homo.” As far as the turkey baster goes, I say “pass me some dark meat, yum yum.”
Monday, January 9, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My local grocery store is running a sale on liver at a dime a pound, with no limits. They do this once a year to bring in business. Should I buy 2 cartfuls and make my family eat it for the next 3 months? Actually, I find liver disgusting but at that price I’ll save enough money to buy myself flank steak and make my family eat the liver. Do you know any good liver recipes?
Christian: Dear Stupid Ass, Ahh Liver, when cooking, it smells like the arm pit of a sweaty Samoan man. Don’t fall prey to the propaganda of the “Big Liver” corporations my friend. Instead try “Haggis.” It’s a tasty treat, made of sheep viscera minced with oatmeal, suet, and onions; and boiled in the animal's stomach. This is sure to be a big hit with the family and is vegan friendly. Bon Appetite.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is it true that Leah Dubie invented MaryJane? And if she did do you have her contact info? Its not for me its for someone else.
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Leah: You heard correct. Leah Dubie the comedian is also a well respected marijuana chef and shoe designer. She smokes one while sketching retro versions of the other. Kids in the east village find her creations wearable and shareable. You can contact her only by old school pager.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: If a deaf person swears...does his mother wash his hands with soap? I have one more question for you…
"Is Winnie the Pooh diabetic?
Leah: Wow, these are two wildly unrelated questions. You are a special person to care about disciplining the deaf while also being concerned about Pooh’s glucose levels. I’ll deal with deaf first. Probably the best part about being deaf is that you can get away with flipping off mom. Another benefit, you are allowed to be totally unimpressed with Marlee Matlin. Big deal! Where’s my Oscar?! I’m glad you mentioned Winnie The Pooh’s health. He’s in trouble and Piglet hasn’t done jack about it. Tigger just wants to stand on his honey-filled stomach and that closeted homosexual Christopher Robin wouldn’t touch a carbohydrate if his life depended on it! Instead, he chooses to live (in the closet) vicariously through Pooh no matter what the cost to Pooh’s health. Poor Winnie The Pooh! There’s a rumbly in his tumbly and it’s heading towards his small intestine!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: How do they get the reindeer to cross at the “Deer Crossing” signs?
Leah: There are stiff penalties for not adhering to all signs along the Christmas route. Reindeer in general make about half as much as their human counterparts. It’s a glass ceiling that isn’t fair and I don’t have the time to get into it here. Those poor reindeer cannot afford to waste any more coin on traffic tickets. Not when they’re blowing most of it at the reindeer lodge on booze and does.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband and I want to take our children to visit Santa at the North Pole. We’ve looked all over the map but can’t seem to find his workshop at the North Pole. Do you have directions? Also, will we need snowshoes to get there & does Rudolph’s nose REALLY light up? The children are asking, I think I already know the answer.
Leah: As a rule, I don’t give out directions. I don’t work for you! Find directions yourself!! I’m not going to hold your hand anymore and neither is the Claus family. Additionally, if you don’t already have a personalized invite to kick it with those midgets in the workshop, you should probably consider it a subtle hint. Sorry, Christmas just got real.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My children have begun asking me if Santa is real. I don’t like to lie to them but I enjoy the excited look they get on Christmas morning when they see what Santa left them. My husband thinks they are getting of the age where they should be told the truth. He says that 13 and 15 is way to long to keep up the sham. How did you handle telling your children?
Leah: Well, clearly you are home schooling your kids which is way weirder than a 15 year old believing in Santa. Think about prom. But as far as breaking bad news to children goes…I think it’s best to pair it with something more terrible that isn’t true. It makes the truth sting less. “We’ve legally changed your name to Santa. There’s no such thing as Santa. Santa’s dead.”