Saturday, December 31, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My ex girlfriend, who I still have feelings for, showed up in a chat room with camera's the other night with the man she dumped me for sitting next to him. Was she trying to get back together with me? Should I go over there and find out?
Shari: It appears to me that your ex is secretly looking for one of the exes to have a manage-a-trois with, and you appear to be the perfect candidate, considering you're going into a chat room with a camera. It's obvious that you are promiscuous. I say go for it! you should go over there..of course, bringing some tissues to cry into.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am an 80 year old woman who loves to feed birds in my local park. On a recent outing to feed my feathered friends I was surrounded by a swat team and arrested. When I asked why I was being arrested they said. "Because your feeding the birds bread". Was I feeding them the wrong kind of bread? Are birds into artisan bread? I'm old and on a budget and eat cat food myself so I can't go overboard.
Shari: Mazel tov on being an Octogenarian. I hope the park is not on Sesame Street, It's rumored that a certain Big Bird is taking money from the other birds for "protection". He dislikes the artisan bread and prefers filet mignon. You think you're on a budget now? This problem can be easily solved about your budget and giving your other fine feathered friends their Artisan bread. Make sure you are eating the catfood NEAR them in the park, while making the sounds "pssst psst psst.."here kitty kitty er birdie birdie". I guarantee your problem will be solved.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Question: Recently, the meth lab I was working for got shut down by the cops. Do you think I could just make it in the bathroom at Walmart? Have you ever seen the chamber of secrets, Harry Potter? And do you remember where they make that potion in the girls bathroom? Well... that was illegal and they didn't get caught!
SHARI: Unfortunately, that was in the UK. They overlook those types of things when it involves an underage party. Let's just say pounds talk. Truth be told, the potion was actually a feminine product made strictly for Hermione when it was you know, "her monthly visit". If you should decide to make the meth in the bathroom at Walmart, you're going to have to make it in extra large quantities, enough to kill a family of 10. Sam Walmart is long dead and gone, so he'll never know...
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I'm having trouble with buying things online. Whenever I go to purchase an item it says, "Press Any Button To Continue". I can’t find the ANY BUTTON on my key board. Do you know which one it is?
SHARI: Have you considered using the N&E keys? Nonetheless, I think you should just call and forget about buying things online. Your information will only wind up going to another server, where your identity will then be stolen, including your social security number. You will then fight for the next 10 years to get your identity back, after losing EVERYTHING, including your wife, kids, house, due to being declined credit cards, line of credit, equity, where you then will not be able to afford anything and will find yourself homeless and jobless because your stolen identity claimed you served time in jail.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I fell down my stairs and broke my leg. I really want to sit out in the sun but once I get outside I can’t get back up the stairs. Should I just sleep outside?
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JULIE: It is a summer time and a shame that you'd have to miss most of it stuck inside with a broken leg. Sleeping outside has its merits but downfalls too. If you are going to spend the next month or so living outside you have to have the right equipment. You'll need a tent and unless you live in the dessert and you yard is full of sand, you'll want to have an air mattress. Dirt is hard. Renting a port-o-potty is essential. That costs about $137 a day. Do you have that extra money? You'll also need a generator to charge you cell phone which you'll need to call the pizza shop to have all your meals delivered. Perhaps you could get a small refrigerator and have your local grocery shop deliver some groceries. Keep that in the tent in case it rains. There is also the insect issue to contend with. Your leg must be pretty itchy with that cast on it. If a mosquito were to get down there you'd be in trouble so repellent is essential.
Sleeping outside isn't your only option. You can get some sun while enjoying the comforts of your home. All you need to do is have large sky lights installed in each room of your house. You'll be able to bask in the sun all day long while watching As the World Turns. Of course as the world does turn you will have to head into other rooms to follow the sun, but at least you won't be stuck down stairs. I know a contractor if you need one.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m of Asian decent and very proud of it. The other day a friend of mine told me that she heard if you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, they become dis-oriented. How do I find out if this is true? I am going to a theme park for my birthday and want to go on the rides.
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KEVIN: Dear Of Asian Decent, What your friend told you was a joke. You see, the Asian continent and surrounding areas are commonly known as the Orient. Therefore asking if you spin an Asian will he become “dis-oriented” is what we call a play on words or a pun. To be disoriented can mean both to become dizzy or to lose ones Orientation. Get it? Another pun. I don’t blame you for not picking up on the sly use of the English language. I’m sure that if your friend had asked that question in the form of a math problem that you would have gotten it, lickety-split. Happy birthday! The year of which animal were you born in? I think I was born in the year of the dog. But I can’t be sure. I don’t have a placemat nearby. You’re going to love going to the theme park to celebrate! I don’t think you really need to worry about getting disoriented on the rides. But you should check ahead. Many of the rides will have a height requirement.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I bought my cat his christmas presents and would like to display them under the tree. But, I'm afraid he'll open them before it's time. Should I take them to my friends house until Christmas or hid them in the hall closet?
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Our first question to you is... do you realize he’s a CAT? But more important than that, does he still believe in Santa? If you answer yes to either of these 2 questions then we say take the gifts to your friends. If you answer no to the first but yes to the 2nd... seek therapy. Should you answer yes to the first and no to the 2nd... then why bother hiding them. Sit down with you cat and tell him that it’s fun to look at the gifts under the tree and leave them the hell alone and let you enjoy at least ONE thing in your life.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I hear that if you drink more you will lose more weight. Does it matter if its a particular kind of drink? Like vodka on the rocks, straight scotch or whatever?
Caryn: Of course it matters what you drink! How do you think I stay so thin? Ok, listen closely (well, read carefully then). Here is the secret that no one in Hollywood has ever shared until now: Before noon, you can only drink gin. From 12p-3pm you need to drink rum. From 3-3:15 drink as much water as you can and eat a salad. From 3:15-7pm strictly tequila, then, wine, then tequila; alternating every 6 minutes. at 7:30pm go to sleep.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I enjoy designing clothing. I'm straight so does this mean that I'm gay now? Should I tell my wife?
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Question: Who is behind the identity of .... Stupid Ass
Questions, and do you have to wear a Superhero uni-tard?
JENNIFER: Ummmmm…if you knew their secret identity, then it wouldn’t be a secret would it? And by the way, I have it on good authority they all wear uni-tards under their blue jeans and target t-shirts, not because they have to, but it feels good.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Can you settle a dispute between my wife and me? I maintain that "The Addams Family" was way funnier than "The Munsters." My wife says, "Why should I listen to the opinions of a man dumb enough to drop his Blackberry in the hot tub?"
JENNIFER: Ok..let me explain. The Addams Family was a wonderful 1960 comedy that showed the typical American Family, with all its’ typical American values as men would like them to have been. A sexy wife who stays home and takes care of his every need, two children who refer to him as “Father” and hang on his every word as if it were full of wisdom. He also had living in his perfect, opulent, home, his favorite Uncle and his Mother. They defer to him as the head of the house and always side with him. He has a butler to do all the work. On top of that, he’s incredibly rich! Pretty nice life, huh? That’s why men loved that show. That’s why it was a comedy and it only lasted a few years. Now you have the Munsters, who live in a crumbling home, a guy with a blue collar job at the mortuary, a father-in-law who, oddly enough, is a vampire, so he sucks the life out of you, a son who knows his father is an idiot and a wife who, in spite of everything, still loves her husband, knowing all the while he is the biggest boob in the world and so dumb he can’t be trusted to put the toilet paper up right, let alone with a Blackberry. This is why women love the Munsters. It is, in fact, a reality show and it lasted many years longer than the Addams Family, and even went into movies.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: While helping my husband on a construction job I fell and hurt my shoulder. He didn't even ask me if I was ok he just said, "Good thing that didn't happen to someone else or they'd sue me!" Should I teach him a lesson and sue?
MARV ELLIS: Many lessons to be learned here by this gross miscarriage of injustice! First off, your husband actually put you to work on a construction site!? MAN CARD REVOKED!!!! Women don't belong on a construction site for any other reason that to be heckled by men with cat calls and whistles! It's an OSHA standard!!! I have found that "Hey chicky mama!" is the most effective cat call at gaining the arousal of women on construction sites. Follow up with a well intentioned, heart felt "Damn you fine bitch!" and a couple of low pitched, tapering whistles and you will win her over a bar stool every time! That's a lesson for you men out there! :D
Now as far as asking if you were OK, what do you think he is!? A bleeding heart, pansy ass, puppy dog loving, poetry writing, son of Art Garfunkle or something!? NO!!!! HE'S A CONSTRUCTION WORKER!!!! As long as you were breathing you're fine! Shake it off!
As for teaching him a lesson and suing him-- on that point I have to say-- GO FOR IT!!!! He broke OSHA standards by letting you be anything other than eye candy and he has it coming! I'd sue him back into the stone age, take over his construction business, then put the men in his company to work building latrines and portable showers for the Occupy Wall Street people. They're starting to stink :(
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friend's mother just had gastric bypass surgery. I said "That's great your mother won't look like a fat pig anymore but she'll still be dumb. My friend won't answer my calls. Should I have said "fat cow" instead?
Marv Ellis: Ahh, the age old "Ovine vs Bovine" question! Boy if I had a dime--- anyhow-- There are very serious issues when categorizing your friend's mothers in association with less than desirable (though tasty!) farm animals. First off, stating that your friend's mother is of the ovine persuasion puts her in a category of being shunned by two major religions known on this planet. Stating that she is of the bovine persuasion leads people to believe that she is prone to Mad Cows, or foot and mouth diseases. Either or could cast her in a negative light.
As my experience with overweight mothers has been limited to my ex mother-in-law, I can only offer this option: try calling her a "Demonsterative hurricane ball of hate force of evil". It's a universal outcry that has come to symbolize the anguish all men feel at the hands of Satan incarnate. Sure, you can throw out "Cruel" and "Vindictive" and "Smothering" and "Wish the blob would just drop dead" if you'd like, but "Demonsterative hurricane ball of hate force of evil" should sum it up nicely.
As far as your friend not answering the phone, maybe he / she is as dumb as her and doesn't know how to? Try to be compassionate and take all possibilities into consideration :)