Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The Librarian by Dana Jy Bein
Dear Stupid Ass Questions:There is this super hot librarian that I’d like to hit on. What's the best way to hit on them because you can't really talk.
DANA: You can’t hit on your librarian because I can’t really talk?
First of all, why would you base who you can and can’t hit on based on my ability to talk? Second of all, I can talk. I talk frequently and loudly and accurately. I even support the words I use with hand gestures and facial expressions. Thirdly, there is no such thing as a super-hot librarian. They only exist in movies. Fourth, you probably wouldn’t know that because hot librarians only exist in movies about libraries, in pornography and in pornography about libraries, and I assume you don’t watch those types of movies. This means you are either lying to me or you are confused about where you are. You might be an actor in one of those types of movies. Fifth, are you an actor in one of those movies? Sixth, if you are an actor, can you get me a job? Finally, if you can’t give me a job because you aren’t an actor, the best way to hit on a hot librarian is to shush people for her. It shows library chivalry, or, as I call it: libralry. Make sure you put your pointer finger over your lips perpendicular to the ground and avoid spitting. Otherwise, it’s pointless. Obviously.